The Principle
The point of co-dependency is the belief that one feels dependent on someone else, or something else, for the feelings they are unaware that they are choosing.
The need for a co-dependent type to feel obsessed with controlling every facet of a "relationship" is possibly for a need to control their own feelings.
The real problem may be that they correctly feel they are not controlling their own feelings. It's also important to understand that it is not that they cannot control, and be responsible for, their own feelings, it is that they won't. They probably haven't been taught how, or even been told that it is possible. Perhaps they have never been told that they actually have a choice.
It is possible that their fears and anxieties about their feelings is due to the fact that they allow anyone except themself to choose how they feel.
They may be allowing themself to feel like a victim because their feelings are based on someone else, or their environment, and it scares them to not be able to "control" anyone else, no matter how hard they try, or even their environment. The truth is: They cannot control anyone else; their thoughts, feelings, or actions. They can only control their own. EVERYONE resists manipulation! In fact, the anger, frustration, and often depression may be traced back to how the co-dependent person is feeling "manipulated" because of their own choice to be dependent on others for their feelings!
The "neediness" component of co-dependency is the belief that "one 'needs' to control OTHERS, in order to control their OWN feelings". I suggest that this belief is not true! The co-dependent, and they alone, control and create, their feelings, from inside; not outside. NO ONE can MAKE anyone feel anything. They are always choosing their own feelings, based on their beliefs. They may ALLOW themselves to be manipulated into choosing, but the allowing is still a choice. Until they learn that they are choosing their feelings, and that those choices are not really as "automatic" as they have been led to believe, they will not be able to take responsiblity for which ones they are creating themselves and feeling. Blaming anyone else for how they feel is a sign that they are not being responsible for choosing the feelings they want, and are being dependent on OTHERS for what they can really do for themselves, and either aren't aware of it, or refuse, or are not ready, to learn how to do it yet.
My belief is that Step One in recovering from co-dependency is to learn to stop blaming everyone else, and anything else, for how I am CHOOSING to feel; especially ABOUT MYSELF!
The need for a co-dependent type to feel obsessed with controlling every facet of a "relationship" is possibly for a need to control their own feelings.
The real problem may be that they correctly feel they are not controlling their own feelings. It's also important to understand that it is not that they cannot control, and be responsible for, their own feelings, it is that they won't. They probably haven't been taught how, or even been told that it is possible. Perhaps they have never been told that they actually have a choice.
It is possible that their fears and anxieties about their feelings is due to the fact that they allow anyone except themself to choose how they feel.
They may be allowing themself to feel like a victim because their feelings are based on someone else, or their environment, and it scares them to not be able to "control" anyone else, no matter how hard they try, or even their environment. The truth is: They cannot control anyone else; their thoughts, feelings, or actions. They can only control their own. EVERYONE resists manipulation! In fact, the anger, frustration, and often depression may be traced back to how the co-dependent person is feeling "manipulated" because of their own choice to be dependent on others for their feelings!
The "neediness" component of co-dependency is the belief that "one 'needs' to control OTHERS, in order to control their OWN feelings". I suggest that this belief is not true! The co-dependent, and they alone, control and create, their feelings, from inside; not outside. NO ONE can MAKE anyone feel anything. They are always choosing their own feelings, based on their beliefs. They may ALLOW themselves to be manipulated into choosing, but the allowing is still a choice. Until they learn that they are choosing their feelings, and that those choices are not really as "automatic" as they have been led to believe, they will not be able to take responsiblity for which ones they are creating themselves and feeling. Blaming anyone else for how they feel is a sign that they are not being responsible for choosing the feelings they want, and are being dependent on OTHERS for what they can really do for themselves, and either aren't aware of it, or refuse, or are not ready, to learn how to do it yet.
My belief is that Step One in recovering from co-dependency is to learn to stop blaming everyone else, and anything else, for how I am CHOOSING to feel; especially ABOUT MYSELF!
Replies
I\'ve really been working on my co-dependency this past year and it has led to a very scary, lonely place at times. Learning to look at me and deal with me/my feelings instead of \"outside myself\" has been a really challenging journey. I have been thru every emotion I think that exsists and now I am at a point I truly am beginning to \"forgive myself\" for all \"myself\" has done to me over the years........It\'s truly been a gift. A very difficult, scary, frightening place to because it can be very challenging to look \"inside\" instead of \"outside\" then, forgive ourselves for all the judgments we made of others and mostly made of ourselves...........I am proud of me and you should be proud of you! Taking that inward plunge is very brave! Kudos to you!
Thanks, and the same to you. Learnig to take care of ourselves, our thoughts and feelings and actions is a gift; no doubt about it. And as you say, it\'s not easy. It\'s not easy to stay on top and aware of your own feelings constantly in order to learn how we are hurting ourselves out of habit and blaming others for our choices of feelings.
Also blaming certain events as causing my choice of feelings, It\'s the same co-dependent thinking behavior. Part of it is learning how it works by making mistakes and then recovering by using what you\'ve learned: I con trol all my feelings, thoiughts, and behaviors; I am choosing them, and I have no one to blame but myself if I\'m choosing to feel \"bad\", unhappu, angry, anxious, etc. All feelings come from inside. Some are based on conscious thughts and beliefs and some are unconscious. The WORK is in bringing the un conscoius ones to awareness and consciousness. And we do that through diligent effort by allowing our feelings as they come, and then \"tracking\" them back to their creation. Sometimes it\'s enough to just stop doing it, without analyzing it; just by CHOOSING a better feeling because you know you can. And that\'s not easy to do. Sometimes I will go for days upset and only then begin to work the system again.
The greatest break I ever had was in choosing to make it okay for me to make a mistake.
One good lesson came this Sunday when a friend instructed me to \"Feel the feeling I want, experience it, BEFORE I get what I desire, and not put it off until AFTER I get what I want. It goes back to one of my mantras: \"How do you prefer to feel?\"
As far as lonliness, being satified with myself helps; that and being an Introvert, and a male. \"In God I trust\" is a good slogan to remember for me; and \"I trust God\'s Grace\" for getting the things I get, and am learning to be thankful for getting (without correction or judgement).
Couldn\'t have said it better myself! Yes, the lonliness has pretty much subsided since I am learning to love and accept myself warts and all. Setting me free, has in turn allowed me to set others free! And that is \"PEACE!\" Have a blessed day!