the pretend game

it's all about sunday.  as the day draws nearer i pay more attention to the details in my home.....tidy up, check the plants for yellowing leaves.....do they need a little dusting...extra tlc?  i think about things i should do for when they visit.  the visits that never come.......never meaning so rare that it happens only in the movies.  i do hint ....i say how much i miss them, how much i love them, how are they....are they ok. 

the way they don't do things, include me in a plan to eat a meal or go for a walk or call just to catch me up......i have to draw them out.....often they have to go .....i hear the hints of irritation and think back.  when did i talk to them with that kind of impatience or subtle disdain......the whiff of criticism about my inabiilties.  i thought i encouraged them, listened to them and gave them a lot of love and patience.  did i do enough?  too much?  my failure rises to the apparently so status sunday after sunday after sunday, but hope dies hard. 

for a few minutes when i wake on sunday i still think they will want to come by for a visit or they will call.......and then reality settles in, they don't come, they don't try to come, they don't want to come.  they are grown, busy, so busy that the cat's in the cradle.  the phone doesn't ring ......there is a little slot always filled with self recriminations and some tears.  am i weak? foolish.....stupid to hope?

they can't be all about their aging parents.....but what % is feasible for time spent together? 

i showered, dressed.....in comfy clothes, soft black cotton pants, a black tunic t and a blue/pink & black plaid flannel shirt...still in slippers.  padding around doing chores.  keeping busy until it's time to be still.  surprised that my church is gathering inside for the second sunday in a row.  i miss them but not enough to take that risk.  the numbers are still high.......the church is trying to minister not only to it's flock but to the reality of our little church going under.....without support from us it can't sustain indefinitely.  times are tough.

the bed looks nice.....with the new white duvet cover, it has subtle soft blue flowers, very cottagesque.......lovely with the recovered pillows in white eyelet material and two pillows rescued from the great upstairs.  they are taupe with lace sewn on the front for added beauty/visual interest.  it really gives the room a fresh inviting feel.  it says, "ahhhhh, here you are safe........here you have sanctuary."

i got a white plastic tub from the garage, filled it with all the displayed perfume bottles, lotions and crystal pieces.  let them soak in warm soapy water, gave them a wash and now they are air drying like little clean sparkly soldiers on the kitchen counter.  emptied the trash, laundry working..........dishes done.

the pot roast has been in the oven since 9 am.  i will add creamy mashed idaho potatoes and a veggie.  maybe baby peas or ?  hmmmm........we'll see.  i've had a craving for pot roast for awhile but figured they would be too costly.  but still it can't hurt to look right?  so i rode my cart over and found a 2.2 lb roast for a little more than $8.  with ground beef in the $4 range it seemed feasible to upgrade to a roast beef dinner plus a leftover meal of a hot roast beef san with gravy and the rest will have bbq sauce added in for sandwiches.  i should be able to get 4-5 meals out of that roast beast.......

i let my pals know about the roast beef sale.......the man behind the counter pointed out the sale they were having.......the bigger roasts were almost 50% off.......they had a $17.48 roast on sale for $9.51.  a good deal i thought.......i considered buying another one for the freezer but decided against it. 

i write about inconsequential things often i know, my life is quiet........not life changing, is this loneliness talking or just a normal person living alone in need of conversation?  i wonder..........and wish it wasn't something that i worried about.  how much has all this alone cost me as a person?  am i the needy one.........nothing will ever be enough?  i try so hard to be self sufficient and capable in so many ways but maybe i am only fooling myself?

it's about time to start putting some of the outside in the garage for winter......the patio umbrella, the outdoor pads and pillows.......but not today.  today i think i will cut out fleece for another neck pillow.  sew it maybe and make another microbead mess out on the patio.

i fixed my dyson, they sent a second part, sam convinced me i could manage it.......and it was really simple once i got over my own head talk.  all i had to do was remove two screws, take off the battery, add the new part, screw the screws back in, pop on a couple of vacuum pieces and let it charge.  the machine works again, it's back on the job.  it's been down since june........i was down for two months and didn't contact dyson.  then dyson needed a lot of email conversation before they were satisfied that i met their criteria for replacement parts.  each time.......thought they were not only driving me to the cliff of frustration but happily pushing me off........but now...after a mere four months and another vacuum purchase later to cover the bases i am back in business. 

i had a singer vacuum for 23 years.......then i bought a refurbished kenmore at a yard sale and had it for more than two decades......and then hello dyson.  a lightweight cordless vacuum that died in nine months, was finally replaced and the second one died only five months in........what does this say about dyson and today's technology.  i want less disposability and a more reliable machine.

i want a lot......i want more time with my kids, i want life to be more uplifting, i want machines to work......i want visitors on sunday.  i want to share more than one meal a month with another human being.  a greedy girl am i--- or am i?