The practice which gets me on the go again
I just had a full day. Long service which required me to be down at church at 520am and the finished at about 1130a, then back up my room and then out again at 1pm for a lunch and then back at 4p for meal prep. I have to conduct service at 8p -12a.
i got off the phone with a friend and just realized I've got to talk myself through times when i feel all subjective and weak.
Much like I talked myself through morning service I realized now I just need townvthis stuff and see it for what it is and breath and process and move forward.
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Had a full day but it hasn’t ended yet. We have vigil for world peace tonight from 9-12. I’m tired and just trying to find something virtuous in myself that says to me ‘you can take care of yourself.’ To quell the nerves. As much as I find safety here, the times when it makes me feel ill at ease, i feel kind of trapped by my illness, age etc..and toggle between a sense wanting to free myself and also the idea of sanctuary.
I know I enjoy working out ideas in art snd writing and I like the challenge of effectively communicating something with them. Anyways, I’ve got to rest before setting up church at 8p. Xo
I’m home from vigil, and I’m getting ready for bed. It’s 144am! I’m tired but proud I did it. I’ve made a place for me here as being the most reliable priest and worker. I show up for everything and the other priests hardly ever show up for anything. But earlier on in the evening
I was feeling like I was sinking into being trapped here at the monastery. Like I was being beaten down by the diversity and crabby nuns and feeling too reticent about making a move and finding no possibility for gainful employment. But that’s probably because I was tired. I think we can all go about making some observation making something bigger than it is when we’re tired. Yet I was reminded of the tune ‘Hotel California’ .. ‘you can check in any time you like but you can never leave.’ I think though what keeps me here is the community I have gotten used to but am not 100% about.. This made me ask myself and think what is it that satisfies a personal mystery in me to keep with it? I think in fact it’s in part the monastic form of vanity, intellectual vanity. It’s created a safety place where I can live in my mind with a sense of grace about my day and musings. I was inspired to this thought because of one of the saints we read about, Saint Basil. His prayers really hit me the other day for some reason. Well, I’ve never read them but once before this time. But his idea that is about vanity and worshiping God or receiving the ideas of God really makes it seem like, as I garnered, there’s vanity in the outside world there’s vanity in their religious world just in a different form. And really worshiping God or really having a spirituality beyond that is really plain and appealing. That’s how I’d like to aim for.
The vanity in me and safety of keeping here wher I am nearly a perfect match for them is in part risk aversion and maybe too at keeping at being ‘right’ or safe or part of an ancient tradition. in some weird sense of safety way… (another detail of vanity perhaps). The monastery lured me in. I couldn’t verbalize why but it did. I was tempted to come and stay. They wanted me, remember, and I needed a place to live and work too. That was part of it. To have a big community and fellowship was enticing. In Los Angeles there was not so much of that for me.and it was way out of my budget.
All these thoughts and rememberences made me look at all I was doing here. Another night of picking at my navel maybe or just the ‘download’ with you guys and myself (my significant others:)The place has really ground me down in a way, learning so many lessons and I know there’s more I want out of life.. Things are good though. Having this place has really been amazing. I’m going to bed now and I’m grateful:). Good night DS!!
Reading this, I felt a lot of steadiness coming through. I really felt the honesty of the tension you’re naming, sanctuary and rest on one hand, and the quiet question of “what else might there be?” on the other. It didn’t read as ingratitude to me at all, but as someone who’s paying close attention.
What also struck me was how gently you’re observing yourself, without judgment, especially when you’re tired. That kind of awareness feels like real practice to me. I also loved that you ended the night with gratitude after such a long day.
Thanks Bob!!! Peace!