THE PHONE CALL
Exactly 3 years ago today the phone rang, "is this Jason's mom?" "Yes it is". "YOUR SON IS DEAD". Those 4 words changed my life forever and stole all my future joy and happiness. They echo in my mind every single day and I cannot erase them from my memory. The caller was a woman calling from the hospital and her bedside manner was greatly lacking. Jason was in Florida visiting friends and they found him slumped over in his car dying from a brain hemmorage. The nurse later told me the doctors had worked on Jason for 5 hours trying to bring him back, but he finally let go when his angel came to escort him to Heaven.
The next few days were such a blur that I didn't have time to really grieve for my son.........Making arrangements to bring him home, choosing a casket, cemetery, burial plot, headstone, etc. etc.........family (I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters) and friends arriving in town, neighbors and Jasons friends dropping by (Spring break was happening and all of Jason's friends and classmates were home from college). My husband was inconsolable....I had to call our family Pastor to come by and help him cope with the loss.
Somehow, I have felt cheated these last 3 years that I didn't take enough time to sit with Jason in the funeral home, and hold him and touch him more than I did. There were so many people coming and going that I regret not being alone with him more. I try to make up for this by visiting his gravesite several times a month, and have found some peace and comfort in doing this.
People say time heals, but it does not - it only enables you to learn to live with the sadness and the loss. There is no healing. Life goes on, but the sadness is never far away.
To be continued.......
The next few days were such a blur that I didn't have time to really grieve for my son.........Making arrangements to bring him home, choosing a casket, cemetery, burial plot, headstone, etc. etc.........family (I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters) and friends arriving in town, neighbors and Jasons friends dropping by (Spring break was happening and all of Jason's friends and classmates were home from college). My husband was inconsolable....I had to call our family Pastor to come by and help him cope with the loss.
Somehow, I have felt cheated these last 3 years that I didn't take enough time to sit with Jason in the funeral home, and hold him and touch him more than I did. There were so many people coming and going that I regret not being alone with him more. I try to make up for this by visiting his gravesite several times a month, and have found some peace and comfort in doing this.
People say time heals, but it does not - it only enables you to learn to live with the sadness and the loss. There is no healing. Life goes on, but the sadness is never far away.
To be continued.......
Replies
I\'m late getting to your journal post, Katrina, but I wanted to tell you that I can understand your pain. I am sorry you were told of Jason\'s death in such an insensitive way. I used to feel cheated that I never had a chance to say goodbye or even to go to my own family\'s funeral or even have them buried near me instead of my mother-in-law. After all these years tho, I\'m starting to wonder if maybe in the long run, for me, it was better that way. I only saw them \"alive\" and realize now there was no reason to say \"goodbye\" because they are only separated from me physically, not spiritually, and that for just a short time in the grand scheme of things.
But I\'m afraid I\'m going to have to be \"\'odd man out\" here as they say. I do not feel any more \"pain\" after 26 years. In fact, today is Lisa\'s earth birthday and she would have been 27 years old. (I last saw her at age 9 and1/2 months). I miss her physical presence, but I DON\"T feel like I\'m merely existing, having learned to just kind of stuff it (my grief) and tolerate a \"new normal.\" I did used to feel that way for a long time. Then it seemed to morph into a state of pain-free gratitude for what I had, what they DIDN\'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH, and what joy they have now--that way of thinking! And knowing that each day I am one day closer to joining them in Paradise. I no longer look at joining them out of desperation (like before) but now it\'s more of joyful anticipation. There is nothing special about me. No superwoman. Nothing different about me. Just perhaps having the 26 years on the journey and having so little human consolation I, out of necessity (and to preserve my sanity!) turned to God very earnestly for His help.
Of course I still miss them but I cannot say it is painful! And I enjoy my life as much as I did before my world got turned upside down.now. I give full credit for that to the Lord Jesus\' influence in helping me and holding me every step of the way. ((Love +Hugs))
Thank you for your kind and loving words. You have such a good way of expressing the place where we all, hopefully, will one day be in our grief. It is a long road, but as you said, we can all be there one day with the help of our Lord Jesus. Love and hugs right back to you.
Katrina, how heart wrenching. Sorry I cannot think of any words of comfort or wisdom. My experience was similar - the \"suddeness\" of it all. It was hard to connect those horrible words to the reality of it all and then what followed: sympathy cards, flowers, arrangements, nonstop people coming to the house, etc. Such a blur. I have often told my husband that I cannot imagine the pain of missing your child hurting any less - you must just do better at learning to live with it. Maybe the busyness and fog we experience initially keep us from loosing our minds.
Isabellah, thank you for taking time to read my journal. All the \"busyiness\" does indeed cause us to lose sight of the fact that we wont have a second chance to sit with our child, touch his face, stroke his hair, talk to him, but perhaps it does help us to keep from losing our minds with the overwhelming grief we are experiencing. I send you hugs and love. Katrina
Katrina, how well I remember the midnight call....I threw away our phones...never wanting to hear that particular tone ring through our house again. I do know the horrid, sick feeling of losing a child. We just passed the second year mark and I still have very bad days....I know the good days only means a bad one is on the way. You are so right....we will never get over this loss but I know that with our Lord....we can have a peace that passes all understanding. I cling to that hope and the assurance of seeing my son again.....and we will!! Love to you my new friend...although, this is no way to meet a new friend.....God bless...dale, brandon\'s mom
I also remember \"the phone call\" and being so in control as to \"get everything right\" and not taking the time I needed for \"her\" and for \"me\". But I did the best I could under the circumstances and just look forward to the day when I can tell my daughter, I\'m sorry, I tried to do my best and I think she\'ll understand. Hugging you tight, truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
I was in the middle of a store, when I got the call. \"They couldn\'t save him\"!! We lost him!! The shock will be with me, until I die. Even in death my son looked so handsome. I wanted to tell him to wake up and lets go home. I am so sorry for your pain and I know that I will never be the same. (((HUGS)))...Julia
When my son was in the hospital, I started a letter to him. I had hoped to be able to give it to him when he woke up and got out of the hospital. Instead, I had to finish it, all 12 pages, and read it to him after the funeral services were over. I asked to be left alone with him and sat beside him in his casket and read the letter to him. I left it with him in the casket so he could read it himself in Heaven. Sometimes I regret that because it would be nice to read it myself. But I\'m not sure I would be able to. So maybe that was the best decision. Hugs to you!
Penny