THE PHONE CALL

Exactly 3 years ago today the phone rang, "is this Jason's mom?"  "Yes it is".  "YOUR SON IS DEAD".  Those 4 words changed my life forever and stole all my future joy and happiness.  They echo in my mind every single day and I cannot erase them from my memory.  The caller was a woman calling from the hospital and her bedside manner was greatly lacking.  Jason was in Florida visiting friends and they found him slumped over in his car dying from a brain hemmorage.  The nurse later told me the doctors had worked on Jason for 5 hours trying to bring him back, but he finally let go when his angel came to escort him to Heaven.
The next few days were such a blur that I didn't have time to really grieve for my son.........Making arrangements to bring him home, choosing a casket, cemetery, burial plot, headstone, etc. etc.........family (I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters) and friends arriving in town, neighbors and Jasons friends dropping by (Spring break was happening and all of Jason's friends and classmates were home from college).  My husband was inconsolable....I had to call our family Pastor to come by and help him cope with the loss.
Somehow, I have felt cheated these last 3 years that I didn't take enough time to sit with Jason in the funeral home, and hold him and touch him more than I did.  There were so many people coming and going that I regret not being alone with him more.  I try to make up for this by visiting his gravesite several times a month, and have found some peace and comfort in doing this.
People say time heals, but it does not - it only enables you to learn to live with the sadness and the loss.  There is no healing.  Life goes on, but the sadness is never far away.
           To be continued.......
 

Replies

Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Oh, my friend, the day that your world changed as you had known it. This is such a tender narrative of a tragic day and how those words are etched forever in our hearts. I understand what you are describing about all the busyness and not having the time that you so needed. It was a blur and almost as if we were suspended somewhere out of our bodies in order to be able to make these big decisions. Not sure how any of us truly did it? I\'m thinking of you and sending so much gentle care as you honor and remember your son, Jason. Thank you for your openness in journaling on this fragile day. Love and hugs, Joanie
KandL
KandL

Dear Katrina, I am so very sorry for the passing of your precious son. How old was he when he passed?
Those 4 words ring in my head too. I was at work when Ken (fiance) called and said that I needed to come home right away. Then he said, \"your son is dead!\" I screamed, \"no he\'s not!\"
But he was. Ed died of a heart attack at the age of 37. He was asymptomatic. And my life changed forever. I agree. We just learn to live with the sadness. I say your son\'s name out loud with much reverence and respect on this his 3rd angel date. Jason.....
Love and gentle hugs, Linda
katrina39
katrina39

Joanie and Linda, thank you for your loving comments. Jason was just 20 years old when he died, our only child. My sadness over losing our beloved Barbara has made this a double sad day. I think we will all miss her terribly but our children have gained a wonderful friend to enjoy in Heaven.
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

Oh those phone calls. They are so painful and hard. I often relive mine as well. There is simply no good way to get the news. My experience was the polar opposite of yours ~ the phone rang at midnight from the camp where my daughter Corrie was a counselor, 3000 miles from home. It went something like this ~ \"Is your husband at home? (he was working in another state). Again I was told I cannot talk to you unless your husband is there too. And then finally, your daughter was out with some fellow counselors at a forbidden spot off camp grounds. She may have had a beer or two. [her blood alcohol was later found to be zero]. Theres been a terrible terrible accident. Your daughter, your daughter I was forced to utter the unthinkable words youre trying to tell me my daughter is dead. As I said ~ no good way to get this unthinkable news. I am so sorry that the hospital official you heard from was so unfeeling and terse in her words.

You have said it all, as did Rose Kennedy: \"It has been said, \'time heals all wounds.\' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.\"

Sending much love and tight, tight hugs on this third angel date for sweet Jason ~ Debbie
DianaLynn
DianaLynn

hugging u tight my friend....i know and unstand the awful phone call...mine still bounces in my head and it will b 5 yrs this june 20th....i also agree time doesnt heal...u just learn to walk forward alil bit more...i will also say jason out loud!!
NoraMc
NoraMc

I am so sorry... another year has passed for you without Jason... I am on my way to light a candle for him...we visit Morgan every Sunday,, going there does bring peace, keeping things cleaned up, or shoveled off is all I can do for her,, but it is something.. peace to you ,,Nora
Leosmommy
Leosmommy

No matter how many years pass these days are so hard. I\'m sorry.
Abotsd
Abotsd

It\'s too terrible to lose a child, an only child at that. Really I am so sorry for your loss. I didn\'t believe the phone call when it came and my husband had a time convincing me that our boy was dead. It\'s only been a year, so I do understand, and it\'s so cumulative, one death and then another, a whole lump of sorrow in our throats. My condolences go out to you, abby
KimRW
KimRW

Katrina, I understand those feelings so much. I often think about my son\'s funeral and how I just go through it, greeting everyone, talking to everyone, and sometimes I wonder how we did it. I wish I could have held my son a little bit longer. We also just passed the 3 year anniversary. My heart is with you. Love, Kim
biowoman
biowoman

Those anniversaries...so hard...and how terrible the way this person told you...they have no idea the power of words. I hope that today you will be able to find a bit of peace. Love and hugs...Karen
l8gra
l8gra

You journal touched my heart. How awful it must be to be the one to tell a Mom that her child is deceased, but what an unfeeling way in which you were told!!!! I say your son\'s name in honor and memory of him. Two years after my son died, my youngest sister\'s son also lost his life. The only hope I could give her was that though the pain never went away, the situation became more tolerable with the passage of time. Hugging you tight...Lynn
deleted_user
deleted_user

I feel your anquish to. My youngest son called me as I was in the grocery store. He was crying and said \"there was an accident mom, we lost Nathan\". \"lost\" that means a lot of different things, and I didn\'t want to accept this \"loss\" meant \"death\". I asked him finally straight out, Josh, is Nathan dead? And he said yes. I will never forget it, It\'s almost been two years. Holding you tight to. Danette
katrina39
katrina39

It must have been terrible pain for your Josh to tell you his brother was dead. I can only imagine the agony you felt at hearing this from him. Unfortunately, there is no time limit on the grief and pain we feel at the loss of our child. I send soft hugs and love to you and Josh.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You took the words out of my mouth and heart. When Audrianna was dying at our home our entire community was here and those 15 days were overwhelming and exhausting. We had all arrangements made because we had time to prepare. I don\'t know how you were able to do it all in three days because it took me three weeks to finish it all. I cry everyday because I did not spend enough time with her after she died in my arms, I went into crazy mom mode and french braided her hair and put bows in to match her outfit. Had to have her warm and looking beautiful before she left our home for good. I wish I would have rocked her one more time and took the time to smell her hair and just cherish her. At the funeral home, I begged my husband to just let me lay down. There were so many people there and I was so tired (in shock) and just wanted it all to be over. I truly did not realize how final everything was. When they were closing the casket my mom grabbed me told me to hold her hands smell her hair and kiss her because this was it. I am so glad that she did that because I got to take it all in. I cry as I think of it all and look back at ther mistakes I made because I was in so much pain. I agree that the heartache never gets better? It was four months Friday since our precious Audrianna passed away and I am just trying to keep breathing and function everyday. I pray for death everyday because this heartache is the worst thing in the world. I don\'t want to live without Audrianna and I am struggling. I love my family but they never needed me the way Audrianna did and I miss being needed. Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one with regrets. I really thought I was the only one.
katrina39
katrina39

You have come to the right place to receive support for your grief and heartache. Every mother on this site has experienced the same feelings you are having now. Losing a child is the greatest pain that can be imagined and it stays with us forever. Time does dull the grief and we do learn to live with it. Some simbilence of joy will eventually return to your life, but we are here for you until that time comes. I send hugs and love to you. Katrina