The Perfect Doormat
I’ve tried so hard over the years to be there for all of the people in my life. I’ve sacrificed a tremendous amount of personal peace- tremendous amount. I can’t really describe the amount I’ve sacrificed in words. And what do I get when I push the envelope with these people? These people that I’ve sacrificed myself for time and time again- what do I get? What the fuck do I get? I get denial, I get insulted, I get dismissed, I get patronized. I’m sitting here crying and alone.
I’m filing for bankruptcy. I’m not proud of it. In fact I’m really ashamed. But I told my father about it b/c I keep fucking trying to have a relationship with him. I keep telling myself that if I only work harder, do more- then I can heal him. But I can’t. I just talked to him on the phone and he’s like “so how’s it going with the bankruptcy thing?” and I got upset. I told him how hard it was for me to file bankruptcy- like I’ve told him many times before- and he started yelling at me “OKAY OKAY- I’m not saying it’s not hard for you- I’m just making conversation”. Then I started to cry and he said “What??? Are you angry?” I said “No I’m upset I just have to go” and then he hung up on me. It’s important if you’re reading this to really sense the tone of voice. Things like tone are especially important to note when it comes to the abusers in my life. See I’m a touch chick- so the ordinary, run of the mill, screaming in my face abuse- just doesn’t work on me. No- my abusers have to step up their game a notch. So whenever my father speaks to me he has this tone of voice that portrays how incredibly disgusted he is that he has to be saying whatever it is he’s saying. See he views me as inherently flawed because I show emotion. I’ve noticed that all my abusers share that trait: Disgust in me as a result of me showing human emotions- such as sadness and anger and frustration. These are unacceptable emotions. Anger is definitely one of the most unacceptable forms of emotion. See all these people- and there are only about 3/4 at any given time in my head or in my life or both- they claim to love me. That’s how they get me. Every single one of them tell me how much they love me. But they don’t love ME. They love what they think I should be. Somewhere in their head is a version of me that never complains, that is never upset- the perfect doormat. In their heads I’m the perfect doormat- that’s who they love. The doormat- not me. I’m not a doormat- and when I show emotions it makes them all too aware of that and they don’t like it. B/c they realize they’re abusing an actual person. So they yell at me and try to push me down into being their doormat again. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t and I won’t. I’m not a fucking doormat. Fuck them all. Never again.
I’m filing for bankruptcy. I’m not proud of it. In fact I’m really ashamed. But I told my father about it b/c I keep fucking trying to have a relationship with him. I keep telling myself that if I only work harder, do more- then I can heal him. But I can’t. I just talked to him on the phone and he’s like “so how’s it going with the bankruptcy thing?” and I got upset. I told him how hard it was for me to file bankruptcy- like I’ve told him many times before- and he started yelling at me “OKAY OKAY- I’m not saying it’s not hard for you- I’m just making conversation”. Then I started to cry and he said “What??? Are you angry?” I said “No I’m upset I just have to go” and then he hung up on me. It’s important if you’re reading this to really sense the tone of voice. Things like tone are especially important to note when it comes to the abusers in my life. See I’m a touch chick- so the ordinary, run of the mill, screaming in my face abuse- just doesn’t work on me. No- my abusers have to step up their game a notch. So whenever my father speaks to me he has this tone of voice that portrays how incredibly disgusted he is that he has to be saying whatever it is he’s saying. See he views me as inherently flawed because I show emotion. I’ve noticed that all my abusers share that trait: Disgust in me as a result of me showing human emotions- such as sadness and anger and frustration. These are unacceptable emotions. Anger is definitely one of the most unacceptable forms of emotion. See all these people- and there are only about 3/4 at any given time in my head or in my life or both- they claim to love me. That’s how they get me. Every single one of them tell me how much they love me. But they don’t love ME. They love what they think I should be. Somewhere in their head is a version of me that never complains, that is never upset- the perfect doormat. In their heads I’m the perfect doormat- that’s who they love. The doormat- not me. I’m not a doormat- and when I show emotions it makes them all too aware of that and they don’t like it. B/c they realize they’re abusing an actual person. So they yell at me and try to push me down into being their doormat again. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t and I won’t. I’m not a fucking doormat. Fuck them all. Never again.
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