The past few days

The past few days have been tough. Really really tough. I have cried for hours. This isn't fair. A 34 year old man should not have a heart attack and die. A 27 year old woman should not be, for lack of a better word, a widow. My kids shouldn't be left without their father and stepfather. Life isn't suppose to be like this. Why did this happen? Why did this happen to us? After years of struggle, trying to figure out what role we played in each others lives and trying to figure out what worked for us we finally found it, but only for a short time. We went through hell, I went through hell. This was the light at the end of my tunnel. My "reward" for all the pain and work we put into this relationship. And then it's just ripped away. I had my family, I didn't need anything else in life. I just needed them. And now that's gone. I wasn't suppose to be alone. None of this is fair. And I am so angry about that. My son's teacher sent home his journal today. They write in it every Monday. I read through all of the ones from September through December. All of them were very happy and "I had a great weekend" on every single one of them. Then I got to January. The first journal entry for the year when they got back from break. "This week I was sad because Brad died" I broke down into tears. He loved his stepfather so much. And Brad was such a strong influence on his life. We struggled with Evan's behavior in school throughout his early years. Preschool, Pre-K, and the first part of Kindergarten. But all that turned around when we moved in together. Every bit of the change in my son was because of Brad. We went from talking about putting him in the special education program to today his progress report came home and he's had all A's all year long. He's above average in most areas and he's reading at a 3rd grade level (he's in 1st). He wouldn't be there if it wasn't for Brad. We had been in a fight and hadn't talked for 6 weeks when I got called by the school for the 5th time since school started to come pick my son up because of behavior. I was literally at the end of my rope. I was ready to give up, I couldn't do this. So that day I sent him a text, I don't remember exactly what it said but it was something to the effect of i'm about to loose it and your the only one who's ever been able to talk me down, and talk some sense into me. That was early September of 2012. That was the beginning of us getting back to where we were suppose to be. It was that December that we decided to move in together again. And it is with out a doubt one of the best decisions I ever made, besides giving him my number of course. The quote from the Notebook "I love you, I am who I am because of you, you are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had. and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours" is exactly how I felt, still feel. Actually I put that quote as the wallpaper on his computer days before he died. He was my knight in shinning armour, my prince charming. And I don't know how to go on with my life without him.