the party's over
I guess it should come as no shock that I am deeply depressed today.
Have a lot to do. I'm going to NJ to stay with a friend for about a week. I've gotten several offers from people to come and visit/stay with them a while, but I know most of them will try and distract me or cheer me up. Brian knows I need to grieve, and he will not only let me, but encourage it. Bri's (sadly) in a unique place amongst my friends--he lost a son as an infant, lost 2 wives to cancer. He also has another son with addiction problems. He knows a lot of what I'm feeling, so when he told me (not asked me, told me) to come and stay with him I knew it was the right thing to do. I can see some other friends/family while I'm there. Maybe go to the beach (or the boardwalk--Leslie loved the boardwalk), but I am also going to need to cry, yell, scream, pound pillows, whatever, and Brian will let me do that as much as I need to.
When I get back I need to start packing for my move--probably in early October. I have an apartment lined up in another city--closer to my son's family (my grandkids). And not here. Too many memories here, both sad, and happy ones that now have become painful. Try and start over again.
My therapist warned me not to expect that moving will solve everything. Of course not, it will not, but it will give me new places, new people, fewer painful memories. Everyone I've talked to about it agrees--I need to do this.
I was approved for the apartment Monday morning. Was happy--it was the apartment I wanted--but at the same times sad for all the reasons I am leaving here.
Oh well. Want to clean, run some errands, pack. Busy day. Although I just want to stay in bed and cry right now.
Replies
Hello my friend, it sounds like moving will bring lots of mixed emotions and that is completely understandable. May your new apartment be a good and healing place for you.
Enjoy your time with Brian. He certainly has been through a lot too so he can definitely empathize with your need to grieve.
Sending love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda
It sounds like a well thought out plan and one that works for you, so I commend you on your decision. What a gift to have a friend who truly "gets it" and allows, and even as you said, encourages you to grieve in your own way. I'm sorry too for the losses Brian has had to suffer. My prayers for both of you as you spend this time together, crying, sharing, remembering, and even laughing at times as the happy and funny memories flood your minds.
Congrats on the new apartment!
Safe travels,
Teri
You are doing what is best for you now and that is all any of us can ever ask of ourselves. Our loss follows us wherever we go and somehow we each learn how to live with it. A move can be a fresh start indeed and going without too many expectations was best for me when we moved. The one relief that I did find immediately was that no one "knew" and I could share as I felt ready to when asked, "How many children do you have" etc. It can still lay me flat out and other days the lump in my throat is not as large, so this becomes our path, our work I believe.
Something that really helped me in the early days/weeks was to envision a closet with many boxes. I had my grief box and I could take it down, pull everything out, soak the contents with my tears and then put the lid back on the box and place it on the shelf. It was always there for me to take down and BE with, yet there were times in my day when I needed a respite, a pause without feeling the guilt that I wasn't allowing it to be my every thought. In the beginning it needs to be and then slowly, over time, it doesn't become the "first" thought and then that brings a myriad of emotions and feelings too.
Gentle and loving care as you move about your days and tend to your heart dear Sue, I'm with you with SO much understanding.
XO Joanie