the paradox

sometimes i can feel so confident and 'together', like i have a good handle on life

and then will faulter in not knowing how to handle a certain change in direction

for finding some goal or some project to act on in my day.

At a certain point I have to clinically ask myself if not having a day full

of work or socializing is really the best thing for me. ?

I question all that I have done so far today and I've done a lot - but in the quiet

of my home I can't seem to find my pride anymore outside of the looming

judgement that I haven't done enough. I questioned that today and I recounted

what I had done - woke, showered, made chai, cleaned after Blue, cleaned the kitchen,

went to the Staples, paid a bill, went to the post office and mailed it,

balanced my check book, went to Starbucks, wrote in my accounting book, played with Blue...fed Blue his treats,

did a load of laundry and folded it... That's what I remembered as of 1215pm...- and all the while

I was thinking about things about life and feeling pretty happy while moving along in my morning. Humbled and considerate of the idea

that we each face certain challenge areas to our psychological make up and so I wasn't

focusing on 'being just so'. I was just flawed but 'happy and humble.'

Then when I was finally faced with this paradox that I mention of not knowing what to do with my day after all that

- and feeling like I had

the energy, massive amounts and talent too, but 

like I had no right to think about or even conceive of what to do.  The paradox I guess is more the dual nature

of it - like how could I handle things sometimes but not others??

I then thought about a couple of things.

My therapist said to me, 'when you don't know what to do wait a little while and it will come to you' :).

I love that.. I guess I can seem like a full person at times (for lack of a better way to describe it)

but then the reality that we're all imperfect will face me in a total non -functional sense - and so my outlook might just need

a reexamination of the day's events. It's just really hard to dismantle my self and it seems to

so get in the way of what seems to be good health. Anyways - like anything I have to do in my life

maybe this is an area (as I said in the beginning) that I have to question like a doctor and think

about what is helpful to me and a useful practice for encouraging myself, once again, to get back to

productive and happy times. You guys know I have oratory hallucinations quite often.

What I heard today while resting on the couch in a stalemate as to what to do was

my mom's voice (who passed in 1996) saying "Mark feels such pressure to be perfect

that starting something new really challenges him." I think it was my mom - but for the first

time in a long time the voice that I heard had something compassionate and useful to 

give. So maybe it's all just a mix of what I just wrote. Maybe now I just have to focus

on taking care of myself in a way that's good for me - some may say it's selfish,

some may say it is not graceful or beautiful - but essentially I am doing a good job at life

and taking good care of my loved ones and friends and Blue. Sometimes you just gotta look

after yourself and be that person.