The past
What is it about us that makes us think about someone who doesn't want us or still want someone who has made their choices so clear>? Yes you can stop all contact no longer put yourself in the situation anymore and tell yourself you are done because you have done that. Yet when your mind is still in constant thought of them and emotionally so attached it does feel like this person is still apart of your life.
I cant get rid of him. he is everywhere. In my thoughts in my memories. Every place I turn around I see something that triggers a memory of us. I see my kitchen table and think of the meals we cooked. I drive down the street and remember how many times we came back home from this street together. I feel like there is a ghost haunting me at all times. Cutting him out was painful but I really felt once I did that things would make a steady incline in progress. I figured by now he would be someone who casually entered my mind and thoughts but I would be okay.
I have severe attachment issues and I am unable to take rejection very well. This is something I am learning about myself. I have started therapy again with a new therapist and I hope I can finally be more honest about my past and the things that have happened to me in actual detail this time. Some of the things that occurred when I was younger were so painful and traumatic I never have been able to discuss them. Maybe this is why im in pain. Maybe because I am carrying around all this weight and baggage from the past that has stuck around in other ways. I don't even know if I miss my ex or just miss someone to make me feel okay. Since all the trauma from the past I have developed extreme obsessive attachments to feel safe again and I can see that now.
I am not a religious person but I have turned to starting to pray at night. Maybe when you have nothing else to turn to all its the only thing that there is left. It is so hard for me to show my emotions to anyone in my real life. This is the only place I truly break down and can be 100% who I just really am and say everything I am feeling. I don't know why I feel so ashamed to let anyone see my down I don't know why it feels humiliating to show how much I am hurting to a single person in my life. I don't know how to let anyone see pain.
I know that something is just not right with me. I think what occurred to me when I was younger has stunted my ability to cope with things in life. I think it took away a giant part of my youth and stole a piece of my soul along the way. I wish I had dealt with this years ago maybe had I been able to accept this I would have been able to form healthy relationships maybe I would understand what is acceptable and what isn't in a relationship.
I cant get rid of him. he is everywhere. In my thoughts in my memories. Every place I turn around I see something that triggers a memory of us. I see my kitchen table and think of the meals we cooked. I drive down the street and remember how many times we came back home from this street together. I feel like there is a ghost haunting me at all times. Cutting him out was painful but I really felt once I did that things would make a steady incline in progress. I figured by now he would be someone who casually entered my mind and thoughts but I would be okay.
I have severe attachment issues and I am unable to take rejection very well. This is something I am learning about myself. I have started therapy again with a new therapist and I hope I can finally be more honest about my past and the things that have happened to me in actual detail this time. Some of the things that occurred when I was younger were so painful and traumatic I never have been able to discuss them. Maybe this is why im in pain. Maybe because I am carrying around all this weight and baggage from the past that has stuck around in other ways. I don't even know if I miss my ex or just miss someone to make me feel okay. Since all the trauma from the past I have developed extreme obsessive attachments to feel safe again and I can see that now.
I am not a religious person but I have turned to starting to pray at night. Maybe when you have nothing else to turn to all its the only thing that there is left. It is so hard for me to show my emotions to anyone in my real life. This is the only place I truly break down and can be 100% who I just really am and say everything I am feeling. I don't know why I feel so ashamed to let anyone see my down I don't know why it feels humiliating to show how much I am hurting to a single person in my life. I don't know how to let anyone see pain.
I know that something is just not right with me. I think what occurred to me when I was younger has stunted my ability to cope with things in life. I think it took away a giant part of my youth and stole a piece of my soul along the way. I wish I had dealt with this years ago maybe had I been able to accept this I would have been able to form healthy relationships maybe I would understand what is acceptable and what isn't in a relationship.
Replies
Praying and beginning a personal relationship with God is not religious. It is what you were created to do. Pray hard and pray often. Tell him what you are feeling, though he already knows, he is waiting for you to tell him yourself. Dealing with past hurts is tough, but it is necessary in order to move on. Sounds like you are on the right track. In order to get the most out of therapy, you definitely have to be honest with your counselor, so do. Start with the little steps and pretty soon you will be running towards a better you. You got this. Prayers and hugs to you.