The other night
I feel like there is a part of me hell bent on self destruction. This part is strong and consumes me at times and I am not sure why and I’m not sure what the fuck I can do to stop it. I went to an ACA meeting tonight and I felt so amazing. I missed last week and I really felt bad about it- I couldn’t help it- I had a work obligation. Anyway – I felt this extreme sense of gratitude tonight. I felt so close to these people. Like I’ve known them all my life and in a way I have. I saw myself in some and saw members of my family in others. But not in a resentful manner- just a genuine empathy and understanding.
So then I leave. I smoked on the way home. I feel a sense of shame about ever exposing the fact that I smoke- but I feel like that shame leads me to do self destructive things. So I gotta be honest. Even if I’m only talking to a screen- I feel like it’s a step in the right direction b/c people can read what I wrote- so its not a secret anymore. Anyway- I was going to go back to work and I did end up doing that b/c I had to charge my phone. But I felt this incredible urge to get more weed and fucking BINGE. I probably will end up getting some weed so I can sleep and because I’m an addict. I feel like its necessary to say that as much as possible. I’m an addict, I’m an addict, I’m an addict. B/c I need to understand why I do this- it’s a disease and the only way to cure it is to abstain from it. And being an addict doesn’t make me a loser. It doesn’t make me a bad person. It just means I’m sick. But- anyway- the binging part is what’s going to make me wake up hating myself tomorrow. I’ll feel sick and going to work will be really hard for me. So why? Why do I feel the need to hurt myself? Why can’t I accept good things and closeness? Is it b/c Janis Joplin was right- Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. I think I feel like if I have nothing to lose than I’ll be free. Free from my fucked up mind. I think maybe I equate closeness with suffocation and enmeshment and eventually abandonment. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I hugged the leader of the meeting tonight. I asked her if I could hug her first. She said of course. She has the kindest spirit. She’s older and so unbelievably cute. And you can tell she prides herself on still being active. Anyway- I asked her- right- she said yes- so that’s healthy right? I mean I wasn’t pushing myself on her. Was I? I guess that’s me guessing at what normal is b/c my family didn’t really provide me with that definition. However- they fucking locked crazy down for me- and knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you want.
I know now that I have to leave my house. I can’t stay there and that’s really hard to accept bc financially right now its impossible to leave but in the near future it will just be very financially burdensome to leave. But I gotta go. I put in all the work I can to make that place more bearable. But I just can’t do it. B/c its not me anymore. I don’t belong there. I say that with a sense of guilt b/c I feel like I’m abandoning my ma. But my friend said that I’m not abandoning her I’m making a conscious choice to take care of myself. She chooses her when she drinks. I have to choose me. Guilt fucking BLOWS.
Wow- I feel so much better. I’m gonna try my best to keep writing when I feel crazy instead of hurting myself. I deserve it. Maybe that’s like the addict thing- maybe if I keep saying it I’ll start to actually believe it- I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it. I believe it now more than I ever have. That’s a really good thing
So then I leave. I smoked on the way home. I feel a sense of shame about ever exposing the fact that I smoke- but I feel like that shame leads me to do self destructive things. So I gotta be honest. Even if I’m only talking to a screen- I feel like it’s a step in the right direction b/c people can read what I wrote- so its not a secret anymore. Anyway- I was going to go back to work and I did end up doing that b/c I had to charge my phone. But I felt this incredible urge to get more weed and fucking BINGE. I probably will end up getting some weed so I can sleep and because I’m an addict. I feel like its necessary to say that as much as possible. I’m an addict, I’m an addict, I’m an addict. B/c I need to understand why I do this- it’s a disease and the only way to cure it is to abstain from it. And being an addict doesn’t make me a loser. It doesn’t make me a bad person. It just means I’m sick. But- anyway- the binging part is what’s going to make me wake up hating myself tomorrow. I’ll feel sick and going to work will be really hard for me. So why? Why do I feel the need to hurt myself? Why can’t I accept good things and closeness? Is it b/c Janis Joplin was right- Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. I think I feel like if I have nothing to lose than I’ll be free. Free from my fucked up mind. I think maybe I equate closeness with suffocation and enmeshment and eventually abandonment. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I hugged the leader of the meeting tonight. I asked her if I could hug her first. She said of course. She has the kindest spirit. She’s older and so unbelievably cute. And you can tell she prides herself on still being active. Anyway- I asked her- right- she said yes- so that’s healthy right? I mean I wasn’t pushing myself on her. Was I? I guess that’s me guessing at what normal is b/c my family didn’t really provide me with that definition. However- they fucking locked crazy down for me- and knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you want.
I know now that I have to leave my house. I can’t stay there and that’s really hard to accept bc financially right now its impossible to leave but in the near future it will just be very financially burdensome to leave. But I gotta go. I put in all the work I can to make that place more bearable. But I just can’t do it. B/c its not me anymore. I don’t belong there. I say that with a sense of guilt b/c I feel like I’m abandoning my ma. But my friend said that I’m not abandoning her I’m making a conscious choice to take care of myself. She chooses her when she drinks. I have to choose me. Guilt fucking BLOWS.
Wow- I feel so much better. I’m gonna try my best to keep writing when I feel crazy instead of hurting myself. I deserve it. Maybe that’s like the addict thing- maybe if I keep saying it I’ll start to actually believe it- I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it. I believe it now more than I ever have. That’s a really good thing
Replies
I ended up bingeing that night and the next night which brought me to the journal entry on December 16 \"bingeing etc.\"
Why you think you\'re \"crazy\" I have NO idea. What you wrote just now is incredibly insightful!
SHAME! Take care of that, because YES it can and will do what you say it\'s doing to you right now! And it\'s not even YOUR shame!
GUILT?! For what? What exactly?What are you doing wrong? Other than beating yourself up all the time.
Please look up Codependent No More- Beattie has great road maps and common sense approaches to getting rid of that undeserved shame and guilt. I keep her books handy for intense moments, and they offer incredible relief. Also, please look up the definitions of \"shame\" and then \"guilt\".
I also noticed that you \"noticed\" the relief you felt when you went to your ACOA meeting. That\'s because you were accepted unconditionally and supported - that\'s what it feels like. Nice, huh?
And NO! Asking someone for a hug isn\'t crazy - it\'s very appropriate. That\'s all about respecting someone else\'s boundaries - good for you!