The Ol' Wheelie Dealie

  I suppose if I'm meant to be writing for myself, I'll do it some more and as I need it. 

The old anxiety school cycle... Go to school and stress, come home and stress so I don't do hw, stay up later doing hw, sleep late, wake up stressed and tired, go to school and everyone else is stressed. It's hard to bring up problems in school, even with some of my friends, because everyone has their own to deal with, some who roil over them in their minds day and night, and some are too busy to even listen. Constant waking worry. It brings up the question of why I bother going through a day if there's nothing there, nothing interesting, not even the feeling of having accomplished anything. Work just faded into a big wheely cycle, goes round and round but never really stops. I'm not very good at just going through the motions. I want something interesting. I want some spice. I want some difference. Not just this everyday. If life becomes so boring and dull then what's the point? 

It's just this anxiety keeping me from accomplishing so many things, my work, my dreams, my responsibilities, my SO, my friends, my personal happiness. I don't know where to start on making it "go away". I've been taking my medicine, and that stops the physical symptoms (expcept for the tingling pins and needles in my back, which appear now whenever I'm startled). Which, thank heck for that, because there's nothing more day-interrupting and horrible than an anxiety attack. Maybe I shouldn't have expected them to, but they don't stop the mental symptoms. Ah, I feel as if I'm so busy I don't have time for myself, just to brood, doodle, play games and listen to music while staring at the ceiling. But then I tell myself, "you have no time because you're always wasting it by being anxious and being less productive or procrastinating." It's confusing. Does that mean I should decrease my workload or take steps to be less anxious? It's just that I've been choosing the latter for a while, and it hasn't worked out. Because of my mistakes or because it just doesn't work out for me? 

Made it through another day, and got some stuff done.