The next day processing...
...after finally studying for my Anthro test, chatting a bit with my cousin on the phone and getting some more sleep (I am liking the more sleep a lot), I wanted to process out a bit more of my meeting/relationship with my brother. I really liked Pageo's terminology of superiority - that perfect suits - he acts superior. After my chat with my cousin, she pointed out that he had always been arrogant and acted like that as far back as she can remember.
He talked a lot about his relationship with my mother (his stepmother, actually) and how much I justify. I told him it was really quite karmic that he called me a day after I had posted on my support group about "My Brother and My Justifications". He has terrible memories of our mother and is extremely bitter that apparently he recently found out that the aunts/uncles on my dad's side of the family had begged to raise him after his mother's death (when he was 5) because they all "knew" he was gay and knew that my mom & dad's religious beliefs would not be nuturing in this situation.
From my side, this all came before I even existed. Growing up my mother and my brother did always fight. Through the eyes of me as a child, it looked like my brother being smart and my mom being mad. That's really how I remember it. As an adult, I can also see that my mom was almost 40 when she had me, that she started through an early menopause after having me, that my dad was working what seemed 24 hours a day, and she was struggling with it all. Maybe because I am almost 40, have always had hormonal issues, and struggle with two kids on my own. Yes, I remember my mom losing her cool and grabbing my brother's hair or chasing him with a fork. I also know that there are times that I am too tired, too stressed, have a headache, cramps, am trying to cook dinner while also knowing in my mind I have 100 things left to do that night before I can relax, and yes, my son will pick that time to do or say the damnedest things! I have wanted to grab him up and seriously put him through the sheetrock!! Of course, I haven't done such a thing because I was also raised in a time in society where we know that's not okay, have a lot of education about the effects on children, and of better ways to handle things.
I understand that one can justify almost any behavior, but that doesn't make it right. The kids' dad still attempts to justify his behavior and that will obviously never make it all right. So, is there a line there somewhere? How much is it just a personal line between what is justified and what's just not right? Is it possible to attempt to forge a new relationship with my brother knowing that there is a huge difference in our feelings about such big parts of our lives?
I am not quite sure, yet. I'm still working on what is okay and what is not okay for me personally. Right now, I know I can't deal with his level of bitterness or his sense of superiority. Right now, it is too triggering and too much when I am heading down a more positive path for myself while also dealing with my kids, my school, and all my other chaos. I think I will not close myself to possibility, but also not worry about attempting to forge a relationship just because "I should" (thank you for that Pageo). In the mean time, it has opened some areas for me consider as far as my tendency to really justify things, how this plays into my own issues, and my own boundaries.
He talked a lot about his relationship with my mother (his stepmother, actually) and how much I justify. I told him it was really quite karmic that he called me a day after I had posted on my support group about "My Brother and My Justifications". He has terrible memories of our mother and is extremely bitter that apparently he recently found out that the aunts/uncles on my dad's side of the family had begged to raise him after his mother's death (when he was 5) because they all "knew" he was gay and knew that my mom & dad's religious beliefs would not be nuturing in this situation.
From my side, this all came before I even existed. Growing up my mother and my brother did always fight. Through the eyes of me as a child, it looked like my brother being smart and my mom being mad. That's really how I remember it. As an adult, I can also see that my mom was almost 40 when she had me, that she started through an early menopause after having me, that my dad was working what seemed 24 hours a day, and she was struggling with it all. Maybe because I am almost 40, have always had hormonal issues, and struggle with two kids on my own. Yes, I remember my mom losing her cool and grabbing my brother's hair or chasing him with a fork. I also know that there are times that I am too tired, too stressed, have a headache, cramps, am trying to cook dinner while also knowing in my mind I have 100 things left to do that night before I can relax, and yes, my son will pick that time to do or say the damnedest things! I have wanted to grab him up and seriously put him through the sheetrock!! Of course, I haven't done such a thing because I was also raised in a time in society where we know that's not okay, have a lot of education about the effects on children, and of better ways to handle things.
I understand that one can justify almost any behavior, but that doesn't make it right. The kids' dad still attempts to justify his behavior and that will obviously never make it all right. So, is there a line there somewhere? How much is it just a personal line between what is justified and what's just not right? Is it possible to attempt to forge a new relationship with my brother knowing that there is a huge difference in our feelings about such big parts of our lives?
I am not quite sure, yet. I'm still working on what is okay and what is not okay for me personally. Right now, I know I can't deal with his level of bitterness or his sense of superiority. Right now, it is too triggering and too much when I am heading down a more positive path for myself while also dealing with my kids, my school, and all my other chaos. I think I will not close myself to possibility, but also not worry about attempting to forge a relationship just because "I should" (thank you for that Pageo). In the mean time, it has opened some areas for me consider as far as my tendency to really justify things, how this plays into my own issues, and my own boundaries.
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