The Next Chapter...

The last couple of days have been rough... like really rough!  My boyfriend, of a year, broke up with me last Friday night.  It was devestating and there was a lot of crying from both of us... It was really hard to let him go, but deep down I knew this was the right thing to do... 

It's been a lot of back and forth since Friday.  I find myself thinking about him, mising him and our time together and it makes me sad.  I try to come up with things I can say or do to help change his mind and the situation.  But reality strikes, telling me "No, that isn't healthy and that isn't the right thing to do.  You HAVE to let go..."  When I feel the tears bulding up, I fight back and remind myself of all the reasons why going our separate ways is better for me.  It seems to do the trick...until the cycle starts again.  

Because of trust and abandonment issues, I have ALWAYS put everyone else before me.  My parents, my sister, my extended family, my friends, my boyfriends, my job, EVERYTHING!  I thought, "Oh, if I am always accesible to them and doing anything and everything they want or need, there is no way they will ever leave me!"  Sadly, I learned the hard way that it is most definitly not the case...  Whenever someone left my life, I would always put the blame on myself.  "I didn't do enough". "I'm not good enough". "I should have done X,Y,Z..."  No matter what the situation was, I always connected the dots back to me.  With each experience, there has been someone telling me, "You need to love yourself before anyone else can love you" and "You need to learn how to put yourself first; it's okay to be a little selfish."  At first, I didn't understand what that meant or maybe I was too stubborn to admit that was the case, but then I understood.  For a while I knew that was the issue, but I was reluctant to set any action plans that will allow me to do just that.  I said I would try, but I never did.  It was becoming debilitating, not putting myself first, and what was worse was I knew exactly why! 

So in light of things, I encourage myself to view this break up as the beginning of my next chapter: Chapter 26: Self- Discovery! By doing so I find myself excited about learning the answers to questions I have long since avoided like "What makes me happy?" and "What do I want?" 

There were so many things I would think about, but it would always be in terms of the relationship.  I didn't realize until recently, but that was holding me back!  I didn't approach my boss about taking on more responsibility because I thought after summer we will both move out of the city or state.  I didn't get my Barre instructor certificate because I didn't want to give up a weekend with him.  I am now realizing that these actions sacrificed my wants and needs.  As part of my road to self- discovery, I am going to put these on the top of my list and the list doesn't stop there!  I want to paint again...start yoga...attend acting classes...take dancing lessons...spend more time outdoors hiking and kayaking with my dog!  

I also really want to work on not being so co-dependent.  I find myself doing things only if other people are available to do it with me.  If they aren't, I (again) sacrifice my own wants and needs.  So! In order to jumpstart my independence, I booked a solo trip to Seattle and Portland! 

This is all so scary but exciting, nerve wrecking but thrilling! I could not have stayed strong and found clarity without the support and guidence of my friends @rcurtis1010, @Timster, @StarBrightGal, @Leeann33 and @Carolin57! <3  Thank you for being my companions on this journey of becoming healthier and happier!  I know there are trying times ahead, but I also know that with y'all by my side, everything is going to be alright :D