The Never Ending Cycle After Rape

**** TRIGGER WARNING ****

So I don't really know where to begin with this.. life is just a total mess sometimes and I just really really need some support. As you may know from my previous journals I was in a sexually abusive relationship for almost two years where he practically brainwashed me, trapped me, cut off all of my connections and repeatedly raped me. I managed to get out of this two years ago and since then I have gradually found myself working over the anxiety, depression and PTSD. I moved in with these two guys that I met who looked after me and practically saved my life. One became my best friend and the other became my boyfriend. They both really helped me and together the three of us started up a business together. I definitely jumped into the relationship way too soon but at the time I was so exhausted and he was there willing to be there for me and look after me and I just wanted everything to be okay so we began dating. 

Over the past six months or so I started to realise I wasn't in love with him the way I should be. I really really cared about him but I just didn't feel the way I should. I kept bringing up that for me it felt like something was missing etc and he would tell me that there's not, it's just that I'm getting triggered but things that remind me of my previous relationship so am shutting off. I kept telling myself that this was the case until suddenly it was really apparant that it wasn't. I just didn't love him. 

I was so terrified as after everything that happened two years I didn't really know how to live without him but I knew I couldn't be with him any longer. So, last week I tried to end it. He wouldn't listen to me and kept saying that he thinks I just need therapy. The next day he kept trying it on sexually and I said to him I'm just not in the mood. He kept coming closer and putting his hands on me and around my neck and I kept slowly pulling them away and saying I just don't think it's right to do this right now and that I wasn't feeling. He just kept sitting there watching me saying how sexy I looked etc and I just felt so trapped. I was telling him I didn't want to but unless I actually shouted no it was almost as if it was adding to the excitment of it all. After two hours of not giving up with this and just keeping on and on and on at me, he started doing stuff to me - we hadn't even kissed but stuff was being done to me. I was still saying it didn't feel right but I just felt so frozen like I didn't know how to stop this. The worst part was that he said how wet I was.. and it just felt like once again my body had betrayed me. My mind was feeling and thinking one thing and my body and words were saying another. I just felt like after all the strength I had worked so hard to gain, I had lost it all in that moment. 

He eventually turned me around and we started having sex and the panic just burst out of me and I burst into tears and had a full blown panic attack. In that second, he stopped as he finally realised what he had done and was really sorry. After that I just turned off I laid on my bed and I just couldn't move, I felt exactly back in that place two years. It was as if my body had just lost every ounce of energy it had. Even breathing felt exhausting. My muscles were so tired where they had been so tense for so long before. I know my boyfriend didn't mean to but it just broke my heart. The fact that he has seen me break down about what happened before. I've trusted him with all of my thoughts and emotions and I just felt like I shouldn't have to spell it out to him. He should have picked up on the fact that I wasn't into it. It completely broke any trust we had and has now made me doubt everything that happened in my previous relationship, cause all I've been questioning is what if it is all my fault. 

The next day I said I 100% do not want this relationship and he said that I needed therapy (which i'm sick of being told everytime I tell him something he doesn't want to hear) and that I have issues etc. after he cooled down he apologised and I told him how the other day made me feel and then he explained how sorry he was but since then I just can't bare to look at him now. We live together and share a business and he wants to be friends but I'm just not sure I can even bare that. I just feel so disgusted with him over it. I just don't know how to be around him.  But I'm scared to lose everything I've worked for. It's just a horrible situation :( 

Any thoughts on this?