the morning brings hope, the morning brings gifts

I have to say, this morning I woke up - and just felt amorphous. Not a tragedy, nothing pending,

no kind of stressors ahead.

I just felt as though I had nothing really too meaningful to attend to - I was alone with my cat - felt balanced

and didn't have any delusions about myself. I just woke up, and decided to get a coffee drink

and so I made my way to the shop - I wasn't trying to fill any destiny - I wasn't living in grace

as that fantasy can be so much of just that..No real spirit of esteem or brightness - not fulfilling

anything - just average.... solitary and so empty.

as the morning sun had not come up - and here I was sitting by my computer, coffee slurped down

and starting to feel unsettled by the sense of meaninglessness...and so I searched for some meaning....

what truth ought I seek? What could I learn? What would the early morning miasma produce?

My view went global and existential.

Was my solitary existence leading me or telling me to find meaning or inspiration and pleasure in 'my way of doing things?'

Is it pretense? In so far as a validation?

Would I then, in relationship, connect with others honestly and significantly by melding our two ways of seeing life?

'Your way' and 'My way'

'My fantasy' and 'Your fantasy'

Would it come down to the joy of living in 'survival making' together?

And so the sun started coming up...The streams of sunlight shone into the room

and the reminder that family was expecting me at their house was on my horizon...

Finding meaning in the basics of helping out with their move - being of use...giving to them the way I can...

It stirred hope within me...

I struggled to sort this out, tortured a bit and the question 'Am I being unreasonable with myself?'

came up - just what kind of emotional excavation am I trying at here? A worthwhile

birthing of art whilst the day is forming? and evolving after the void blank of a night and sleep?

Will it strengthen my direction in life?

The hope that was stirred by the sunshine, grew into a sense of well being and the day ahead started to

bring promise and new things.

At times I feel and have felt so at the whim of life and it's momentum and the chaos within me ...and then daring to wish to be the master of my own life seems dark... to dare to achieve..

but then the reminder of half crazy/half worthwhile came to me, the morning and the day brought shape. Perhaps 'digging into'

that uncomfortable processing which bring challenge and reward and maybe resolution.

At times I might think I want a higher mindedness about things but perhaps life down in the mud

and between the air up in the clouds is where we find ourselves.