The Morning

Has anyone ever had to hide yourself for so long, then opened up to someone, then felt so much conflict shutting back down again after you've been hurt and noticed the change? It parallels with the journal post before this one. I hate when people make me feel sicker by all the sudden treating me differently. Here's the sick bastard girl, lets walk on egg cartons and avoid the crazy girl. It just makes me feel so much worse. I don't judge my friendships by how fucked up someone is or by how perfect they seem. Maybe I'm the only one that's a ride or die for a friend. If you fall hard and even if you blame it on me, I'm still grabbing your wrists before I ever let you fall down. Anyone else understand me? I'm so disappointed in the way people walk away from the wounded. They treat us like we're contagious when we're just looking for someone who stays 100% consistent and can just be there like we would be there for them. Walking away from someone or handing them off to "professionals" isn't always the best solution. While pills and therapy can leave us a smile from happy days, taking away that friendship only throws us back and makes trusting even harder. I wish someone could see that. How about asking what we need instead of assuming what's best. Some only need to know they are loved, while others need a bit more AND love/care.
Three things still echo that have been said to me and they don't make me angry but they do still make my stomach drop in sadness:
"I guess I shouldn't have been her sounding board or friend"
"I'd rather you talk to her (talking about a 'professional'" (said twice)
Feeling like:
A burden - Sick - Betrayed - Lied to - Forced - Trapped - Emotionless - Buried - Confused - I'm failing - I need weed - I need understanding!