The more things stay the same...

Of course his move on Friday was pushed to today/tomorrow. Many of them were so typicaly I'm not sure it matters if they were real or fiction, not that it matters. I watched him on the patio doing drugs and it's a good reminder that nothing is ever going to change with him--not that I thought it would. But it's a good thing for me to remember if I start getting sad or mushy... I'm so tired of all this. It's kind of good that this is getting dragged out so much because it's making it so much easier to be strong. I should probably be meaner and yell at him for not getting out yet, but the reality of it is, and if you knew him you would know, but it wouldn't help move things along. FIghting with him tends to just make things worse... I'm so ready for to just rip the band aid off and start moving on. I'm kind of glad because I think otherwise I would be all sad, upset, etc.  I feel like my world has become completely different in the last few years with me. I wonder if I'll ever be able to completely trust again. I went from being a girl who never even questioned my boyfriends/dates and who never got the girls who went through their boyfriends' phones, etc to being a girl who has spent almost the whole last two years watching him more and more closely trying to figure out just how badly he was self destructing. I know that addicts don't quit before they're ready. I guess the sad thing is just I was never important enough to him to make him want to quit badly enough. I mean, that's really the reality of it all, and I think that's the thing that we have to latch on to, you know?  We've all been through tough life experiences; we've all lived through obstacles and challenges that we had to fight our way through. Sure, their addiction is a disease, but it's also something that can be caught and controlled. We've all had the strength and capacity to voercome difficult things and they have the capacity to overcome this addiction. I've studied the neurobiology of all of this and while I understand the role of the brain and triggers and chemicals, etc, etc there is always a choice to give in. If they haven't gotten clean, and especially if they haven't even really tried, I think we all have to stand back and walk away. IF we aren't important enough, if we aren't more important than the drugs, than how much do we really matter?