The monster I have become!
Oh my I have not written since January. Partly because I am ashamed that I had found out once more H was talking to her. I told him to leave but he wouldnt leave because he knew that I had enough. So he parked his ass on the couch and each day that went by he sucked me back in. I make myself sick!! Well the make up honeymoon is over. I have lost 48lbs because of his affair and have lost most of my mind! The thing that is scary is how much of myself I have lost and how much new I have discovered about me. I dont know who I am anymore...I feel destroyed and reborn as someone I dont know:( Traumatic experience is a complete under statement. Dreams where shattered and stolen from me. I am becoming the person who dont care anymore. Which is not a good place to be but like I said I dont care..The resentment I feel wont leave. Anytime he pisses me off I have to think with what hes done why would I want him? He has no ambition to look for work. Any mention of a divorce by me and I get holes in my walls with fits of absolute rage. Lets not forget the attempt to make me feel he will kill himself without him actually saying those words. Sometimes I think hes bi~polar !! I did meet with a lawyer. Everything looked to go good for me but I just dont have the money for it... Speaking of the devil, he just walked by and kissed me on the back of my head. I love him but feel that I am to damaged. I have overwhelming feelings of having a affair myself. I feel like a monster but its as if my give a damn is gone.. To go from happy loyal cookie baking wife to what I have become is scary. I want to go out with friends and party. I want to flirt with men. I want to kick my husband in the head when I think of him and that whore!!! lol I do feel guilty when I think of leaving him because I can see the pain in his eyes...the desperation when I mention it. I know the pain of loosing half your life which is what they stole from me. It was not just a affair... That word is so simple. The way the A has affected me is insane. My world and everything I believed in was crushed. The rock I stood on has crumbled to sand... Well I guess most people here on DS already have experienced this themselves. I just wanted to give a general update since it had been awhile. Wishing you all the best in this crazy world we live!! Dawn
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call the police every time he punches a wall and he will be removed for you.
one day he will punch you. I would fear for my life living with a person like that.
If your children are seen this violent behavior he will be taken out even faster.
he needs to go and you will feel better. hugs
Nice to hear from you. I\'ve wondered how you\'ve been coping since your last entry a few months ago where you shared the devastating discovery that he was still talking to the whore. Don\'t feel ashamed for the decisions you have made and for how you feel. We have all been there. We have all felt that way. I too went through that phase where I wanted to flirt with other men and have an affair myself but then I got over it. The thought still crosses my mind at times when I remember what he did to me and when I think of them still being coworkers. I still at times even feel like I hate my H. Hate him for hurting me the way he did and for sharing our time with that whore. I sometimes I wish I can destroy her life somehow like she tried to destroy mine. But then again what is there to destroy, she has 2 kids from 2 different men, is divorced, is 6 yrs older than me and I look better than her, from what I heard it even sounds like she was molested as a child...so all in all she has a pitiful life and so there\'s nothing to do that hasn\'t already been done. She clearly is a miserable person and a low life. That\'s what I tell myself when I\'m feeling down. But then it quickly dissipates b/c I can\'t help but think, my H still wanted her! So obviously she must\'ve been good enough and that kills me. Anyway, sorry for venting but it\'s hard not to conjure up these feelings of hatred...I\'m glad to hear from you and I\'m sending you a hug and lots of strength.
You need to have an escape plan. Plain and simple. You need to contact your county about abuse advocacy and they might be able to set you up with a lawyer who can help regardless of the money. There are resources out there.
Get out of that situation..if not for u do it for ur children. Call the police next time that he gets violent and have a plan. Good luck to u. Big hugs