The monster I have become!

Oh my I have not written since January. Partly because I am ashamed that I had found out once more H was talking to her. I told him to leave but he wouldnt leave because he knew that I had enough. So he parked his ass on the couch and each day that went by he sucked me back in. I make myself sick!! Well the make up honeymoon is over. I have lost 48lbs because of his affair and have lost most of my mind! The thing that is scary is how much of myself I have lost and how much new I have discovered about me. I dont know who I am anymore...I feel destroyed and reborn as someone I dont know:( Traumatic experience is a complete under statement. Dreams where shattered and stolen from me. I am becoming the person who dont care anymore. Which is not a good place to be but like I said I dont care..The resentment I feel wont leave. Anytime he pisses me off I have to think with what hes done why would I want him? He has no ambition to look for work. Any mention of a divorce by me and I get holes in my walls with fits of absolute rage. Lets not forget the attempt to make me feel he will kill himself without him actually saying those words. Sometimes I think hes bi~polar !! I did meet with a lawyer. Everything looked to go good for me but I just dont have the money for it... Speaking of the devil, he just walked by and kissed me on the back of my head.  I love him but feel that I am to damaged. I have overwhelming feelings of having a affair myself. I feel like a monster but its as if my give a damn is gone.. To go from happy loyal cookie baking wife to what I have become is scary. I want to go out with friends and party. I want to flirt with men. I want to kick my husband in the head when I think of him and that whore!!! lol I do feel guilty when I think of leaving him because I can see the pain in his eyes...the desperation when I mention it. I know the pain of loosing half your life which is what they stole from me. It was not just a affair... That word is so simple. The way the A has affected me is insane. My world and everything I believed in was crushed. The rock I stood on has crumbled to sand... Well I guess most people here on DS already have experienced this themselves. I just wanted to give a general update since it had been awhile. Wishing you all the best in this crazy world we live!!  Dawn