The Miserable Update
So I guess I have this habit of disappearing off this site every few months, but I always find my way back. To update you, not sure who you is but whoever might give a shit, I finally graduated university in June. I never found a job by graduation (that was my father's deadline if I wanted to stay in Canada) so my parents made me return "home" (middle east). If you've read some of my previous entries, you'd know I hate it here. It never felt like home to me. In fact it's more of hell for me. I can never feel like myself, I never feel comfortable, and my anxiety worsens whenever I'm here. It's mostly the environment, the people, the lifestyle, my family plays a role, but only because they've become so accustomed to this life after settling here for 10 years. I've been gone for 8 of those years, and the two years that I was here, I hated the fuck out of this place. I love my family with every fibre of my body, but the people they've become, the habits they've adopted, the changes they've made to their personality and lifestyles bothers me. It's like they've been molded into these people to fit in to this world, and I understand why, but that does not mean I am okay with it. I was talking to my aunt who also lives here the other day and somewhat came across this point, and she said, with time, you too will adapt and become the exact same. That comment terrified me. That made me want to leave even more. Because the one thing worse than living here with people I don't understand and habits I believe are ridiculous, stupid, and make no sense, is becoming one of these people who begins to believe this is right! I never want to be this person. My parents were educated, they studied in the US. They lived there for 15 years, they had a life of their own, and when they moved here, things changed, they changed, and if I hadn't known them prior to this move, I would never believe that they are people who have seen the rest of the world. That they are people who have experienced normalcy. But after all this time here they've adapted to what is okay here, which to me might not be an acceptable matter. I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to be brainwashed 5 years from now thinking oh yeah this is acceptable when I truly believe that it's not. So that's one fear I have of this place.
So now when I was forced to come back, knowing how much misery and change, for the worse, and all the double standards, and horrible expectations, and no future in this place, I can't help myself not to feel so messed up. I tried, I know people think that I hate this place because I haven't given it a chance or time, and that the two years I spent here were different, I was fat, I had no friends, I had no life. Well, it's not that much different now. They claim that being here, working here, having a car, having "friends" will change everything. But what they don't understand is that I never feel like I belong when I'm around people here. People here are so closed minded, and I can't blame them, 90% of people have never left this messed up bubble of theirs. It's not their fault, and I'm not saying I'm better than them because I've been out and around, but I can't really feel comfortable around them. I never feel like being myself is allowed. I can't be honest with them because they won't understand. I know what you're thinking, okay what about that 10%, the ones that aren't so closed and complicated and may understand, and whom I may possibly feel comfortable around, well then we have a problem with my parents. Those 10% aren't going to be complicated and closed and have parents who will nag the fuck outta them before they go out, or give you a curfew when ur fucking 22. I'm not saying I want to be coming home at 5 in the morning every night but I also don't want to be REQUIRED to be home at 10 or 11 'cause my parents are home. Why not just get my own place, right? Wrong. A female who's not married in this world living alone is a BIG ASS NO. A girl lives with her family until she is married or moves away. SoMething that I have NEVER understood.
I really tried giving this place the benefit of the doubt. My dad told me that if I didn't find a job by graduation in Canada, I have to come back, and when April came around and I wasn't getting anything I thought my dad would think is worth letting me stay, I began to accept that oh maybe it would be okay. My dad has connections in this part of the world, he'd be able to hook me up with a decent job and so on. That was his claim "Come back and you'll be working in your field the next day, literally." And I was stupid enough to believe that. I was stupid enough to think yeah maybe he is right. I told myself that okay I'm going back to my version of hell, I'm going back to a life of rules and a shitty ass social and personal life, but at least I would be working on my career. I'd have the job, I'd save up and in a year or two I'll pack my shit and leave. But then I came here and realized saving is not an option because in the best of cases, the best case scenario I make about $800 a month, wtf is that going to do for me when I'm going to have expenses to deal with? save $100-200 a month I'd need YEAAAARS to save something decent enough to get me out of here. And the career and experience itself, is crap here! There are barely any real HR jobs, most of them are plain secretary work, not like other places where it's at least partially actual HR and partial admin work. No, HR personnel don't really exist in most organizations, they only exist in bigger organizations, but the problem is even those organizations don't have an office in this country. Most of them are in the UAE and that for some reason stopped becoming of interest for my father the moment he brought me back. Although prior to that Dubai was the place he said I can go to. That is somewhere that I wouldn't mind living in. Two days ago, he makes a comment saying that even if I was offered $3000 for a job there and an $800 job here, he'd make me go for the one here. Why the fuck would you do that? He did admit that the benefit to the Dubai job would be the actual experience and knowledge I'd gain from work, because it basically is nonexistent here. That night I of course had the worst panic attack I've ever had, wanted to die, and cried myself to sleep. The next day was even worse, I spent the entire day having panic attacks, so I faked a migraine attack and locked myself in my room all day. Back to what I was saying, I'm here now, I'm not going to have the experience, the social life, the personal satisfaction, the money or basically anything else. I have no benefits. No positives. So how am I supposed to be okay with being here? How am I supposed to accept being here. There's no progress, no growth, no future. I don't see how I could or even should stay here.
I've thought about running away or standing up to my dad. I've imagined it so many times. I've imagined how it would happen. 99.99% of the time, my dad stops talking to me or would tell me I have the option to leave, but on the condition that I never come back or talk to him. And every time that gets me. Every time I weaken at that moment. That's what stops me from going through with it. I love my family so much and I can't put myself on top of them and their expectations and their wants and their desires. I always have that need to satisfy them to please them to make them happy. And me being here somehow makes them happy. I know they want me to be happy and I think that puts them in denial and that's why they probably don't see how miserable I am or avoid that I'm so depressed. Whatever it is that prevents them from seeing what's going on is the same thing that's killing me. I'm so fucked up and so messed up that I'm so miserable that I have to be miserable here to please my parents and then complain about how miserable I am.
I'm so fucked up. I want to cut so bad. I've been itching so bad lately. It's so hard to fight it when I'm feeling like this. I look at my scars and I've been clean for a good while and I don't want to do it again but that want to cut again is eating me up inside. It's so overwhelming. It's so strong. So difficult to fight. and that's not it, I constantly feel like I want to get drunk and get high and be out of this place. I want to get out of my head. It's less of a want and more of this really strong craving. And I'm terrified that as things are getting worse I'm gonna get weaker and actually give in. And if I ever get drunk or high while I'm here and my parents find out that there's even the slightest chance that I do, they will NEVER let me leave again.
This is so messed up and I don't know how to deal anymore. I don't know how to act, react, say, do or anything else. I feel so lost so messed up and so out of place. I really hope I figure shit out soon.
So now when I was forced to come back, knowing how much misery and change, for the worse, and all the double standards, and horrible expectations, and no future in this place, I can't help myself not to feel so messed up. I tried, I know people think that I hate this place because I haven't given it a chance or time, and that the two years I spent here were different, I was fat, I had no friends, I had no life. Well, it's not that much different now. They claim that being here, working here, having a car, having "friends" will change everything. But what they don't understand is that I never feel like I belong when I'm around people here. People here are so closed minded, and I can't blame them, 90% of people have never left this messed up bubble of theirs. It's not their fault, and I'm not saying I'm better than them because I've been out and around, but I can't really feel comfortable around them. I never feel like being myself is allowed. I can't be honest with them because they won't understand. I know what you're thinking, okay what about that 10%, the ones that aren't so closed and complicated and may understand, and whom I may possibly feel comfortable around, well then we have a problem with my parents. Those 10% aren't going to be complicated and closed and have parents who will nag the fuck outta them before they go out, or give you a curfew when ur fucking 22. I'm not saying I want to be coming home at 5 in the morning every night but I also don't want to be REQUIRED to be home at 10 or 11 'cause my parents are home. Why not just get my own place, right? Wrong. A female who's not married in this world living alone is a BIG ASS NO. A girl lives with her family until she is married or moves away. SoMething that I have NEVER understood.
I really tried giving this place the benefit of the doubt. My dad told me that if I didn't find a job by graduation in Canada, I have to come back, and when April came around and I wasn't getting anything I thought my dad would think is worth letting me stay, I began to accept that oh maybe it would be okay. My dad has connections in this part of the world, he'd be able to hook me up with a decent job and so on. That was his claim "Come back and you'll be working in your field the next day, literally." And I was stupid enough to believe that. I was stupid enough to think yeah maybe he is right. I told myself that okay I'm going back to my version of hell, I'm going back to a life of rules and a shitty ass social and personal life, but at least I would be working on my career. I'd have the job, I'd save up and in a year or two I'll pack my shit and leave. But then I came here and realized saving is not an option because in the best of cases, the best case scenario I make about $800 a month, wtf is that going to do for me when I'm going to have expenses to deal with? save $100-200 a month I'd need YEAAAARS to save something decent enough to get me out of here. And the career and experience itself, is crap here! There are barely any real HR jobs, most of them are plain secretary work, not like other places where it's at least partially actual HR and partial admin work. No, HR personnel don't really exist in most organizations, they only exist in bigger organizations, but the problem is even those organizations don't have an office in this country. Most of them are in the UAE and that for some reason stopped becoming of interest for my father the moment he brought me back. Although prior to that Dubai was the place he said I can go to. That is somewhere that I wouldn't mind living in. Two days ago, he makes a comment saying that even if I was offered $3000 for a job there and an $800 job here, he'd make me go for the one here. Why the fuck would you do that? He did admit that the benefit to the Dubai job would be the actual experience and knowledge I'd gain from work, because it basically is nonexistent here. That night I of course had the worst panic attack I've ever had, wanted to die, and cried myself to sleep. The next day was even worse, I spent the entire day having panic attacks, so I faked a migraine attack and locked myself in my room all day. Back to what I was saying, I'm here now, I'm not going to have the experience, the social life, the personal satisfaction, the money or basically anything else. I have no benefits. No positives. So how am I supposed to be okay with being here? How am I supposed to accept being here. There's no progress, no growth, no future. I don't see how I could or even should stay here.
I've thought about running away or standing up to my dad. I've imagined it so many times. I've imagined how it would happen. 99.99% of the time, my dad stops talking to me or would tell me I have the option to leave, but on the condition that I never come back or talk to him. And every time that gets me. Every time I weaken at that moment. That's what stops me from going through with it. I love my family so much and I can't put myself on top of them and their expectations and their wants and their desires. I always have that need to satisfy them to please them to make them happy. And me being here somehow makes them happy. I know they want me to be happy and I think that puts them in denial and that's why they probably don't see how miserable I am or avoid that I'm so depressed. Whatever it is that prevents them from seeing what's going on is the same thing that's killing me. I'm so fucked up and so messed up that I'm so miserable that I have to be miserable here to please my parents and then complain about how miserable I am.
I'm so fucked up. I want to cut so bad. I've been itching so bad lately. It's so hard to fight it when I'm feeling like this. I look at my scars and I've been clean for a good while and I don't want to do it again but that want to cut again is eating me up inside. It's so overwhelming. It's so strong. So difficult to fight. and that's not it, I constantly feel like I want to get drunk and get high and be out of this place. I want to get out of my head. It's less of a want and more of this really strong craving. And I'm terrified that as things are getting worse I'm gonna get weaker and actually give in. And if I ever get drunk or high while I'm here and my parents find out that there's even the slightest chance that I do, they will NEVER let me leave again.
This is so messed up and I don't know how to deal anymore. I don't know how to act, react, say, do or anything else. I feel so lost so messed up and so out of place. I really hope I figure shit out soon.
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