The Loss of A Friend
I wrote that going to Compassionate Friends did not offer me anything...Wow was I wrong. I learned a very profound thing that never even entered my mind concernting the loss of my son Kenny. When the director ask my name and about Ken, whatever I said between tears, I heard her say,"you not only lost you son, you lost your best friend". And she was so right.
I not only lost a son, I lost my best friend. I really never looked at Ken as my best friend, but who was the first person I called when something happened, Ken, who was it I could tell anything to; Ken. Who did I share everything with; none other than my Ken. And likewise Ken with me. So going through this horrible pain I feel, now I understand is two-fold, my son, my friend gone in a sec of a time. How I miss my son and friend.
I feel like I am back to square one or worse. My heartache seems to be neverending right now. I don't know how to break this cycle I am in. The loss of Ken and my best friend is making me so depressed. I know I can't change things, I just don't know how to change what I am feeling. I know I can't bring Ken back, but I don't know how to let him go. I want to talk to him so much that my head aches from the pain of knowing I can't. Life can be so cruel.
It's intersting that I believe in Heaven and that when one dies our spirit, our soul goes to Heaven something I have always believed. So why is it bothering me so much right now where my Ken is. I was telling my sister last night, it's like when you child is expected home and is late you start worrying that something has happened to them. I think that is what I am feeling. I need to know where my son is. I need to see he is okay. I ask myself what do I do with myself. Is this normal that I seem to have gone into this horrible feeling of depression. That I feel I have no one to talk to. I need something. I need to know it's okay. Is this grief, is this what the pain of grief feels like this overwhelming hurt and pain.
I know when Ken died and up until I got sick, I talked about him a lot, tried to figure out what happened, why he had to die and I cried a lot. This feeling is different and I really don't feel I can take the pain, the hurt, the unknown, the depression. I really feel I am losing it. Is this how grief feels....I don't know. I need to change. I need to do something about myself but what. I don't know and I think it is something I have to figure out on my own cause I lost my son and my close friend.
Love you Ken my son and close friend forever., Mom
I not only lost a son, I lost my best friend. I really never looked at Ken as my best friend, but who was the first person I called when something happened, Ken, who was it I could tell anything to; Ken. Who did I share everything with; none other than my Ken. And likewise Ken with me. So going through this horrible pain I feel, now I understand is two-fold, my son, my friend gone in a sec of a time. How I miss my son and friend.
I feel like I am back to square one or worse. My heartache seems to be neverending right now. I don't know how to break this cycle I am in. The loss of Ken and my best friend is making me so depressed. I know I can't change things, I just don't know how to change what I am feeling. I know I can't bring Ken back, but I don't know how to let him go. I want to talk to him so much that my head aches from the pain of knowing I can't. Life can be so cruel.
It's intersting that I believe in Heaven and that when one dies our spirit, our soul goes to Heaven something I have always believed. So why is it bothering me so much right now where my Ken is. I was telling my sister last night, it's like when you child is expected home and is late you start worrying that something has happened to them. I think that is what I am feeling. I need to know where my son is. I need to see he is okay. I ask myself what do I do with myself. Is this normal that I seem to have gone into this horrible feeling of depression. That I feel I have no one to talk to. I need something. I need to know it's okay. Is this grief, is this what the pain of grief feels like this overwhelming hurt and pain.
I know when Ken died and up until I got sick, I talked about him a lot, tried to figure out what happened, why he had to die and I cried a lot. This feeling is different and I really don't feel I can take the pain, the hurt, the unknown, the depression. I really feel I am losing it. Is this how grief feels....I don't know. I need to change. I need to do something about myself but what. I don't know and I think it is something I have to figure out on my own cause I lost my son and my close friend.
Love you Ken my son and close friend forever., Mom
Replies
Sandi, it is perfectly normal for our faith to be severely shaken after the death of our child. Before my son died, it was very easy to believe in heaven and afterlife and thoughts of peace and happiness. I never had a reason to desperately believe it before! And coupled with the fact that as moms, we always needed to know where our kids are (\"Call me when you get home, okay?). Now where they are is an unknown to us. This goes against everything we did to keep them under our protective wings for all of their lives. I guess in the end, all we can do is keep the faith. Give Compassionate Friends some more chance and keep journaling. And by all means, see a doctor if necessary. I am concerned about you. Hugs, Belinda
Oh Sandi, I too believe that I know some of what you are feeling. I don\'t have any advice for you sweetheart. I can only commiserate with you.
I too lost my daughter and my very best friend 5 months ago. I want to pick up the phone all the time to tell her her show is going to be on twice tonight, or to tell her how angry I am at someone. Or to laugh...or to tell her how sad I am about~~~Her. My baby, my girl, my grown woman daughter, my best friend. Is gone. But I will see her again.
For some reason, even though I\'m having trouble believing in God, have always believed with all my heart that there was a heaven. When Tara Lynn took her last breath, I knew that that was where she was going. So why do I hear myself thinking and asking out loud; Tara Lynn, where are you?
The only thing I can think to tell you is as plain as the nose on your face. My therapist (not because of what I just told you) told me that I sometimes in that famous DENIAL. So maybe you\'re not doubting that Ken is in Heaven. But literally wondering, despite what you logically know, where you living, loving boy is.
My heart is with you,
Gale Sue, Tara Lynn\'s mommy
Sandi, you\'re in my prayers.
Julia