The Loss of A Friend
I wrote that going to Compassionate Friends did not offer me anything...Wow was I wrong. I learned a very profound thing that never even entered my mind concernting the loss of my son Kenny. When the director ask my name and about Ken, whatever I said between tears, I heard her say,"you not only lost you son, you lost your best friend". And she was so right.
I not only lost a son, I lost my best friend. I really never looked at Ken as my best friend, but who was the first person I called when something happened, Ken, who was it I could tell anything to; Ken. Who did I share everything with; none other than my Ken. And likewise Ken with me. So going through this horrible pain I feel, now I understand is two-fold, my son, my friend gone in a sec of a time. How I miss my son and friend.
I feel like I am back to square one or worse. My heartache seems to be neverending right now. I don't know how to break this cycle I am in. The loss of Ken and my best friend is making me so depressed. I know I can't change things, I just don't know how to change what I am feeling. I know I can't bring Ken back, but I don't know how to let him go. I want to talk to him so much that my head aches from the pain of knowing I can't. Life can be so cruel.
It's intersting that I believe in Heaven and that when one dies our spirit, our soul goes to Heaven something I have always believed. So why is it bothering me so much right now where my Ken is. I was telling my sister last night, it's like when you child is expected home and is late you start worrying that something has happened to them. I think that is what I am feeling. I need to know where my son is. I need to see he is okay. I ask myself what do I do with myself. Is this normal that I seem to have gone into this horrible feeling of depression. That I feel I have no one to talk to. I need something. I need to know it's okay. Is this grief, is this what the pain of grief feels like this overwhelming hurt and pain.
I know when Ken died and up until I got sick, I talked about him a lot, tried to figure out what happened, why he had to die and I cried a lot. This feeling is different and I really don't feel I can take the pain, the hurt, the unknown, the depression. I really feel I am losing it. Is this how grief feels....I don't know. I need to change. I need to do something about myself but what. I don't know and I think it is something I have to figure out on my own cause I lost my son and my close friend.
Love you Ken my son and close friend forever., Mom
I not only lost a son, I lost my best friend. I really never looked at Ken as my best friend, but who was the first person I called when something happened, Ken, who was it I could tell anything to; Ken. Who did I share everything with; none other than my Ken. And likewise Ken with me. So going through this horrible pain I feel, now I understand is two-fold, my son, my friend gone in a sec of a time. How I miss my son and friend.
I feel like I am back to square one or worse. My heartache seems to be neverending right now. I don't know how to break this cycle I am in. The loss of Ken and my best friend is making me so depressed. I know I can't change things, I just don't know how to change what I am feeling. I know I can't bring Ken back, but I don't know how to let him go. I want to talk to him so much that my head aches from the pain of knowing I can't. Life can be so cruel.
It's intersting that I believe in Heaven and that when one dies our spirit, our soul goes to Heaven something I have always believed. So why is it bothering me so much right now where my Ken is. I was telling my sister last night, it's like when you child is expected home and is late you start worrying that something has happened to them. I think that is what I am feeling. I need to know where my son is. I need to see he is okay. I ask myself what do I do with myself. Is this normal that I seem to have gone into this horrible feeling of depression. That I feel I have no one to talk to. I need something. I need to know it's okay. Is this grief, is this what the pain of grief feels like this overwhelming hurt and pain.
I know when Ken died and up until I got sick, I talked about him a lot, tried to figure out what happened, why he had to die and I cried a lot. This feeling is different and I really don't feel I can take the pain, the hurt, the unknown, the depression. I really feel I am losing it. Is this how grief feels....I don't know. I need to change. I need to do something about myself but what. I don't know and I think it is something I have to figure out on my own cause I lost my son and my close friend.
Love you Ken my son and close friend forever., Mom
Replies
my son, yaakov, was a rabbi, he died at the young age of 43. He wasnot afraid of death, he loved G-d and had perfect faith that his soul would live on with his father, his King. this brings me much comfort. He knew he would be alright as sure I am that your son, Ken, is alright. No more pain and struggle. they are with their Father, their King.
I remember many times thinking that I was going crazy...I had never experienced anything that messed my thinking, my heart, my life sooo completely. I am better...I hope that you know you can be too...love and hugs...Karen
All the pain, hurt, and unknown can make you feel as though your going crazy. The truth is your experiencing the first stages of grief. There aren\'t words to comfort you now. But there will come a time when the pain lessson\'s and is more gentle. Always in my prayers, Pat
Sandi,
I am wishing you peace and comfort and hope that your pain will ease.
Dear Sandi, I too felt that as an adult my son & my relationship had evolved into a friendship. It is such a loss. Child, son, best friend. At times during this awful process I felt I was losing my mind. I am in counseling, take Zoloft for depression & Ativan for anxiety.I became anxious, worrying about Eddie, but I must believe as our friend said, that our children are with their Heavenly Father, their King. God made our children in His image. Kenny was a believer. Yes our faith may waiver, but we hold onto our belief as best we can. Trust as best you can. Ken is with his Lord. Try to rest in faith. I am praying for you. Tight hugs, Linda
Ditto on all the things posted above.....I think this is the worst feeling a person can have...It is horrible and touches every facet of our lives. I understand what you mean about us knowing where they are but somehow we still expect them here. It is maternal and natural...and devastating. I pray you will feel some peace soon. It is different for each of us and there is no time line. God\'s speed....love, dale..brandon\'s mom
Perhaps seeking some professional help would make a difference. Sometimes medication does offer a temporary helping hand. You sound so very sad, I hope you can overcome the depression, if not alone then with some intervention. hugs...
Jeff was my best friend too. I just don\'t know how I go on and on without him. Love & hugs to you. Colleen
HI Sandi,.. Have you gotten into any counseling yet,.. not a group one, but a one on one session, someone thru your health insurance??? It has helped me alot,. just gave me the feeling, that some of the dicsions I am making, are normal, and very, very much, people have been down the road I am on,.. More than anything, I guess to sum it up,.. he helped me,.. help myslef,..just by listening, and sharing his insight,.. Hard to just \"give it up\" to a total stranger,.. but I was in a place, where I didnt care about that,.. as it turned out, it was a good thing for me,..because he was a unknown, i just let him have all my worries, ( I wrote them down before I got there,..) without even thinking, about what he thought,, thats why I was there,.. anyway, It helped me,.. at the very least, it was time well spent,.. wishing you a good day, your friend, Dave
Jay, too was my best friend. We shared a lot of times together. I think there is a special bond between mother and son. And as well between mother and daughter, it is just different and special. Your grief is normal and the more we talk about how we feel the better we are supposed to get. I\'m not there yet either. And I do wonder where he is...I am not especially religious. And I don\'t feel his presence like some mothers do..
Hugs to you... Pam
I understand how you feel. I wonder all the time where Cindy is. It is very heartbreaking to lose your best friend, it leaves a hole in your heart the size of the Grand Canyon & we have to live with this for the rest of our lives. My therapist suggested I walk, so I do 2 miles a day & it has helped aliitle, but nothing will stop it completely. Love & Hugs Susan
so true. my son and I were just beginning to have a friend relationship that I so looked forward to. there just wasn\'t enough time.
THat\'s the thing about losing a dear friend -- when he\'s gone HE is the one you want to talk with about it! And to not be able to share life\'s ups and downs. Too sad. We\'re here for you Sandi. Hoping that there will be something in tomorrow to comfort or soothe. Something to make you smile, just enough to want to be here even with the sorrow.
Love, Sarah
I understand my friend as my anth was the closet person to me please find someone to talk to about your feelings let your doctor know I found grief counseling and medication helped me a lot I know everyone is different but for me it helped me out of the dark hole sending you my love and understanding
I agree with rcoco, see your Dr talk to him about depression. It helps you cope its not a cure just a something to help you get through.
My son and I talked alot about everything, either face to face or on the phone. When he needed help with dealing with his sister or Tara. He inturn would help me when his Dad was being a pain and his sister. We were a good team.
Sending hugs Penny