The long weekened is here, almost.
Boy, what a week this has been. Everything is good now. Been going on such extrem, lifes ups, and downs. First had one of those, " My life is really fucked now, " periods. And it was for about two days. I made a really horible, at least I thought, decisions where I quit work to do some other work, and then after was overwhelmed that I had really made a tragic, hasty decision. One moment I seemed to have everything going for me, and the next I was heading towards a very scary place that I don't ever want to be. I was overwhelmed with fear. I thought now I'm out of work, winter is comming, only enough money perhaps for a month. I had canceled my welfare because of work, so I wouldn't be able to have an income for awhile. All the bad thoughts started to come to mind. How will I pay the next bills and my rent? How could I do anything without money? Would I finally lose this apartment, and my cats? How would I pay for my expensive prescriptions now? Would I lose my computer and phone, and my friends on D.S.? So many things just came at me. I couldn't sleep, eat or anything because of the worry and fear I felt, but I knew in my mind that I had to hold onto whatever I could. I really needed God's help. Even thoughts came to my head that perhaps this is the time to check out. If all those things happened I know I'll be on the street. I've fought that tooth and nail. I don't want to have to sleep in shelters, and eat in soup kitchens everyday. That has been a big fear of mine. Liveing on the streets. I see that everyday. I've had to stay at the hostile before, and it can be nasty. The people there seem to accept that way as being normal. Not to me, but sometimes I wonder about the differance between them, and me. To me, that's not acceptable, and I have vowed to never go there again. The others there seem even happy most times with that way of life. They look foreward to the soup kitchen meals, the welfare, going to places for donations. To me that's humiliating. I've been accused of perhaps thinking I'm better than them, but that's not it. I just don't accept that way of life, and in that regard, yes, I do think I'm better. Am I wrong or what. I've often questioned myself about this. Anyway, after two days of emotional, and mental hell I got another call out of the blue wanting me to work for a company I knew nothing about. So in a nutshell everything is good again, and back on track. It's late now, so I can't go on. Have to work tomorrow. I'll have to get back about this. Thank you so much, Lord. Really, thank you.