The long process begins...

Well I've done it.  Wednesday, I finally get to see a lawyer about filing for divorce.  5 pages of paperwork to fill out before hand, but I'm one step closer.  Though I am, I feel kind of bogged down and really sad by it all.  I had to find out where she lived, so I had a mutual friend of mine find out for me.  Turns out, she is living with someone, and that is alright.  I expected her to move on and all that, and even to be with someone serious by now.  I'm baffled though why she hasn't filed for this yet, and it bugs me that I'm the one who will wind up doing it.  
I however need to be free of it all.  21 months, 9 of which have been waiting for her to do what she said she would.  The first year, nothing could be done sadly, due to me moving, and her moving back with her folks.  I get that, and well I know I shouldn't be bothered by it but I am.  She was so sick of me, tired of cleaning up the mess I was, didn't love me anymore, and all that jazz.  So what could possibly delay her in doing it, is what my mind wonders, and I suppose it will be a mystery.  All I know, is that I'm taking that step, for myself, to finalize her decision.  It feels morally wrong, to me, but it is something I feel I need to do.  So do it I shall.  
In other news, I saw my neuro again for the 3 time, and still no treatment ideas.  After his big scare with the steroids, he doesn't trust my body to handle anything.  I don't get why they are so scared, but such is life.  Basically, I feel like I go there to tell him, yep, I'm still sick.  Debating finding another doctor, but I'm so tired of dealing with it.  None of them want to help me, and because my body doesn't agree with the first 2 meds, no other treatment options seem available out of fear.  I guess I'm supposed to live with this forever, untreated.  I'm disgusted with it, but I feel like that is just how my life is.  No help in sight, and if I want it done, I best do it myself, because if I don't, no one is going to be there to help me anymore.  I just want to cry...