the logic in the alone time
I come from a place of wanting to know that I can achieve things - that I have some sense
of control and logic to my life.. a kind of mastery..
I struggle with that, as you can probably perceive by what's written in my journals here.
I think we all struggle though, as human beings with taking care of our primal urges and drives
and then also being 'self responsible' about our lives....
When I am alone - I lose context - and I'm writing it our here and now - and it sure is a struggle for me and for many
when dealing with mental health struggles or on a level probably even for most people I think. It's life.
I am here alone at my place.. well I have Blue for sure... and I am trying to figure out what to do with my day...
A familiar scenario I've talked about a lot here.
I don't have a neat picture to present...After some time and doing some errands and eating a meal
I am kind of settling into the day but I want more for sure. I feel bad for when I can't direct myself right
away - but I guess I am becoming ok with that fact that it is eventually coming to me!
I'd like to go to the pub - but it's probably not safe yet - though it is open - and likewise it's not a good
idea to drink right now.. I feel like eating sweets but I won't eat them because I could stand to lose a few pounds :)...(thank you happy covid 19lbs)
I need to find something to do...I think I'll go for a walk... and that I'm glad has finally come to me - I like that idea -
and in all fairness to myself - it's not a good idea to keep myself
alone like I do... I feel bad for "needing" and out of control - but what I am realizing is to question even that sense
of chaos that I get - I need to give to myself even when I feel mental disarray.... and not give up!
Would you keep a friend or loved one alone like this?.... NO -It's not healthy!
I like some time alone but not all the time..
In the spirit of empathy - which I hope to not forget - it's good to give to ourselves after a long day's work or some other project or achievement and when you have time off.
The spirit gives something special to my day and blows away the confusion... it also 'makes sense' and 'makes sense of things.'
I can kind of get caught up in the "knitting and letting go" of wisdom creation...
I have my own perspective and yet then can need to see that perspective in a kind of context -
with others in my life and folks around me (society.) And a cohesive picture even to myself.
Having this place to come and put my thoughts down
about it - help me feel among friends and others and not so pushed into a corner and reactive -
so that it's like I turn my ideas and confusions around like a rubics cube
and finally put some order and resolution to stuff...
Ok I am ready to go out! :) Have a good day folks!! Off to walk the mile to Starbucks!
Argg! Avast there! :-)
Replies
I came back from the walk, stopped by Starbucks along the way,
and though I am glad I went, to be candid it wasn't that great.
Now I am spending time at home - watching a show that I am kind of
getting into - I'm thinking that I would like 'a place to hang my hat'...
but realistically I need to know how to be alone before I merge with another.
Kind of coming to understanding that I lot of things may not be that great
but doing something and not just nothing is the battle.
Peace and namaste,
m
Every pub I've ever been to serves non-alcoholic beverages. I go for the ambience.
The human drive for achievement isn't a problem unless you suppress and/or make it the sole meaning of life. That's why we have hobbies. It's good to have a gentle channel for that drive. Ditto for that craving for structure. Even chaos junkies crave some structure to the madness.
Thanks Arfie
I find that I am so caught up in feeling I have to defend my choices in life - and yet most of the time I am doing what I can handle. For the past half hour or so I have been in so much chaos and turmoil and blindness - I don't blame myself,
it's plenty hard to live with a quiet mind and a sense of peace even when alone with your trusty side kick cat.
Writing here helps me feel like I can give it all some compassion.
I think maybe I should go for another walk...
big ups and big downs. I struggle to find my way and yet I also have to remember that this stuff is what I struggle
with. And so it is...I am getting better at being aware of it - of what I am going through - so I can tell myself and assuage-
and kind of look back at the day and see how I have spent it - trying at times - with some successes and some
struggle time.
Who, precisely, is attacking or judging your choices?
A therapy exercise which seemed silly while I was doing it, but had some good results was making myself an imaginary judge's robe out of a bed sheet, complete with a child's play hammer as an imaginary judges gavel. I proceeded to play tyrannical judge over whatever I was self-flagellating over at the time. I still felt silly after the effects began to accumulate in my psyche, but the feeling of silly was more slanted to the yaddahs I was self-flagellating over. I am my own worst critic. I would never judge another person so harshly as I judge myself.
I never lose. I either win or I learn. ~Author unknown
It's okay to struggle with your lessons. It shows you are paying attention.
thanks arfie