The lies we tell ourselves.

I’ve been feeling pretty good (symptomwise) this month. This is noraml for me. I’m in full summer mode now, and I do a pretty good impersonation of a “normal” person this time of year. In light of this, I start thinking that maybe I don’t want to go through the hassle of getting the anti-depressent this fall. I start thinking, Is it really worth it? I mean, I’m doing good right now, right?
This is where I have to have faith in my plan. It’s a little too easy to believe the lie: that because I feel good now, I’ll always feel good. I know that’s not true, but, because I don’t really remember how bad I felt in the winter, it’s an easy lie to tell myself. (It’s more an abstract rememberance of the pain. I remember being depressed, but it’s hard to recreate the feelings.) The lie is seductive, because I want to believe it. Because I don’t want to go the doctor in the fall, and, because, I don’t want to be a person who needs anti-depressents to get through the winter.
Unfortunately, though, I am, and I do. So, I will entertain the lie, but I will stick to the plan. I feel good now, but I know in a few short months, when it’s time to go to the doctor, the bad feelings will be lurking; waiting to envelop me. And then I will remember how godawful I feel in the winter (because it’s starting to happen again), and I will be glad I set the doctor’s appointment back in February.