The lies we tell

I think that every time you lie to protect people that hurt you you give a little piece of your soul away. Little by little until you look in the mirror one day and barely recognize yourself. That's why I can't look in the mirror. I don't know who I'm seeing. I haven't in a really long time.

When u lie to protect someone who hurt you its like you're telling yourself that even though you were hurt- you were willing to hurt yourself further just to make sure that the person who hurt you feels no pain. Its saying they are more deserving of love, compassion, understanding, forgiveness than you- even though they hurt you and took something from you in the process. Say it enough (lie enough times) and you believe it- in fact you already believe it when you say it- the repetition just makes it part of your core. And that belief is deep- its beyond the conscious level- it has to be bc if you knew that's what you were doing you never would have. Its fucked.

I've lied to protect everyone who ever hurt me. It took pieces of my soul. Its the reason I felt broken- not bc I was but bc that belief went so deep that I couldn't tell where it stopped and I began- to me it was just who I was.

That's why I've been so self destructive all these years. Its like I was trying to hurt myself bc by lying to protect everyone else I assured myself that that was all I was worth- that I wasn't worthy of love, beauty, success, good things- those people I lied to protect- they were worthy- just not me.

Holy shit. How could I have ever lost this weight, sobered up, and been successful in my career w all that shit going on inside me. I couldn't and that's why I haven't. But its out now. I get it now. I'll never lie to protect someone who hurt me again. I'm worth more than that. I have to forgive myself for ever doubting that I was.

Time to pick up the pieces. I'm gonna be fine.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Yeah, I hear you about the lying thing. That\'s something I\'ve always done - or used to do, much to my own detriment. But how could I have known any better? I was trained to do that from the day I was born?

You and me, will look in the mirror one day and say... My God are we awesome!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Reading your entry makes me so sad. I feel like I wrote it myself. It is a horrible feeling to feel used by someone we love or care about. It\'s true when you lie to protect someone it takes a bit of your soul that\'s why we end up feeling so emply inside. I am trying to make myself whole again you need to do the same. Look at what we have accomplished? we are strong we have done so much but we give too much and that takes so much from us. We are good people but we have to learn to stand up for ourselves and be strong once again we know how we just forgot along the way.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh another spot on post. This is exactly while I feel like the walking dead most of the time. There is so much bullshit in my head that I have (lied) and told myself over time that I don\'t even know who I really am anymore. All lies to protect those who were hurting me. I love how clear you have made this for me. Thank you. And for the record, you are freakin awesome, woman!!!
serenity92580
serenity92580

Thank you all so much for your input. This site is awesome that way- when I wrote that entry I was in pain and b/c I wrote it- something good came from that pain. I\'m so happy to help anyone who reads my post. I feel like I\'m giving back b/c when I came on this site so many other\'s posts did that for me- they still do. It\'s a really really great feeling.

So thank you all so much! You guys are all awesome too! We are all going to be okay!