The last two days...

The last two days have been emotionally charged for me. I tend to be a closed in person to the people in my life. No one really knows how I'm feeling because I am really good at smiling my way through life. Actually while having a conversation with another mom at my sons school today I was told I must generally be happy because I am always a delight to have around and I never seem angry. I was told this on a day where I am feeling so sad on the inside. I must have a really (I mean REALLY) good poker face because only a hour before I was told this I was bawling my eyes out. 

Here's some history...

My husband and I were together since January 2000 and we married in August 2001. We had plenty of good times and we hit rough patches off and on through the marriage. I never gave-up trying but it came to a point where I was the only one trying. So I agreed to divorce back in October (he'd been telling me for awhile he wanted a divorce and I wasn't ready to throw in the towel). For the sake of our kids we took things slower than most people would. He eventually moved out in February and we finally filed our papers a week ago. It was very difficult but we made a promise to each other that we would continue to remain friends for the sake of our kids. Overall we do very well sticking to this arrangement. However, last Friday I discovered my soon to be ex had a guest staying at his apartment with him. This guest happened to be a lady friend he found on FB when we were going through a rough patch. When I confronted him on this I went nuts on him. Him and I have never been vocal and we rarely fought but I had to let it all out. I understand he is entitled to live his life the way he chooses and we are in process of getting a divorce but I had to let everything out. I was finally able to get him to hear me out. Why I agreed to the divorce, how I perceived our marriage and how everything we went through has affected me. At first he was very defensive and didn't want to hear it. But soon he started to listen and I could see he really heard me. I don't like name calling but I called him a liar (I hate liars). I told him everything that I have been feeling and how I am broken on the inside. After our argument he apologized and admitted his faults. It felt good knowing he finally heard me. I appreciated it so much. Later I texted him and told him how much I appreciated his awareness and was grateful for his apology. We exchanged a few more texts and all was well between us. However, emotionally I was a wreck. I work every Sunday in retail and volunteer at a hospital on Mondays. Work at both places is very independent and while I'm doing my tasks I have a plenty of time to dwell and think about my situation. It hurts so much knowing I've been so easily dismissed and now replaced.