The Last few days have been HELL ....
I know there's a saying that goes something like... " It can only get better from here on out. " I sure hope, and pray, that saying will apply to my life... NOW.... NOT LATER... But RIGHT NOW !!!!
I need things to take a sharp turn for the better for a change, rather than continuing to go down hill constantly.
I can't stand this contant level of HIGH stress !!!!
It's going to sooner - than later - cause me to have a heart attack, I'm afraid. Am I reading too much into nothing ? I don't think so.
Because lately every time these stressful situations have happened I can feel my heart racing at least 5 times faster than normal, and my chest hurts like someone's stabbing it with a very long super sharp blade !.. Over and Over.. and Over again !!!
All of that simply can't be normal !
I've tried to explain to " him " what these situations have been doing to me, but he's more concerned with how things affect " him " than anyone or anything else around him.
The way he's been during the last few days it makes me wonder about the future. I'm scared. I'm scared for my future.
I'm wondering if I should have tried harder to stick to NOT adding Cable TV to the bills. Yet, the way things were I highly doubt that that would have been possible. He would have continued to push, and push, and push some more, about adding Cable TV.
The thing is... with a probable rent increase coming up very soon, without " his help " there's simply NO WAY I'd be able to pay the monthly bills ! Even as it stands... with JUST my SSD - with a probable rent increase - I'd probably have to BEG for help from Joanne every month in order to just BARELY pay my bills !
One - out of several - of the things that bothers me about the way the last few days have been, has been the way he's turned to me to " say something ", and I have no idea what to say !?
After all, what can I say to someone with a rage that fills every fiber of there being, and is barely controllable - if at all !?!
How do you talk to someone that's raging like that ?
HOW ? Especiallyl when they even tell you... " Nothing you say to me will change my mind about this ! "
He looks at me for answers, and yet he won't let me even try to give me any answers !
That is SO DAMN FRUSTRATING !!!!!!!!!!!!
Then to top is off.... he'll take ONE LOOK that I give him, and he'll ASSUME that I mean a certain thing by it, when I don't mean ANYTHING even close to what he assumed !!!!!
How fair is to basically blame someone for a situation, when they have NO CONTROL of it whatsoever !?!?
It's not fair at all !
Of course when I ask him.... " Are you trying to blame me for all of this ? I guess you're saying it's all my fault ? "
He'll say.. " Oh No ! I'm not blaming you at all ! "
It's not rocket science to look in someone's eyes, and see them looking back at you with pure critical judgement.
Sure the other person can deny it all they want, but the look is still there in their eyes regardless.
The thing is... I have " options "... IF I want to look at them like that, that is.
The problem is that those so-called " options " aren't workable at all without a LOT of help from OTHERS !
WHERE I would get the " OTHERS " to help ?.... I have NO DAMN CLUE !!!!
It's SO DAMN EASY for Others to suggest things when they have the money, and the transportation, to do it.
BUT they forget that it's NOT so easy for me to find the means - ( money, transportation, help packing ) - to do what they assume would be very simple for me !
So I get sick and tired of them offering their so-called helpful suggestions ! HAHAHA !! .... They have NO CLUE that they're NOT being helpful at all !