The List
Things are...meh. What can I say? Almost normal despite my constant internal struggle. Still so lost. He says he does everything possible to make me trust him but really, he can't undo what he already did. That's the only thing that could work. I've never been a person who gives trust easily. Childhood family issues. I finally have another IC session coming up but since it's been so long between sessions I've started a list of things to talk about since I don't want to forget and feel disappointed afterwards.
1. Waiting room lady; there was a woman in the waiting room of the therapists who matched H description of OW very well and she would attend that therapist as that is who the company (they work for the same company), would have sent her to as it's covered by insurance. I wanted to stab her...and him. He claims it wasn't her, how would I know? It could be anyone. I feel like I can't leave the house without looking my best in case we see her or someone who knows what happened. Like I have to prove that I'm better than her.
2. Lying about cigar; he claims to have quit smoking which he was doing in secret and lying about as well as the affair & porn etc. I caught him in a lie trying to say he hadn't smoked when his mouth reeked of it. I told him I'm not an idiot and forced him to admit to it. I was obviously way more pissed about the lying than the cigar itself.
3. "Sleeping Around"; his words when I confronted him and told him I knew. Not I slept with her (as I already knew they had apparently just gone for coffee together but apparently didn't know the extent of it), I feel it implies he slept with more than just her.
4. Everybody hates him; H says he feels as though everyone hates him now even though the only people who know are my family and one friend of mine. He feels like anyone associated with me hates him. Projecting maybe? The stupid part is I feel sad for him that he feels that way. He didn't consider my feelings, why am I so worried about his?
5. Trip; My mom has offered to take me on a trip to St. Lucia for my Christmas gift. I still have to pay a portion of it but less than half. I'm going. H is not invited and I think this plays into his feelings of everybody hating him and trying to push him out. In all honesty I do feel as though my mom wants me to take this trip so I can clearly think of where I want to go with my marriage. Decide once and for all if this is what I want. If he is what I want now. Also my stepdad said that even if my friend Lacey can't go to pay the other half they won't accept him coming as he feels that's rewarding him for his garbage behavior.
6. Brother's affair; My brother had a very nonchalant weird reaction when I told him what had happened and when he saw my H for the first time after finding out acted like nothing happened and just joked with him etc. I was hurt. As someone who had no real father growing up & he's my older brother I expected more....something at least. Anyways him & his wife have a terrible marriage (I know I'm one to talk but I can honestly say that before finding out about the affair I thought my husband and I had a really fun, compatible and physical relationship...he's just an idiot), and she recently discovered he's been texting back and forth with a girl at his work with flirty msg's. He claims it's innocent etc...obviously. She believes him. I can't say I do. It would explain his extremely over the top forgiveness & rug sweeping of what my H did. Plus my brother is 100% miserable in his marriage and his life in general. Definitely susceptible to an affair. If he has I'll be crushed and feel like there are no good men out there. Irrational but true.
7. Lack of sex; my husband and I used to have a very active sex life. Before the affair, during the affair, after a period of time even after the affair. Not so much now. The therapist says that he's a sex addict because of his copious secret porn usage and subsequent affair. Cop out. He's since stopped the affair and the porn usage and has no access to internet anymore. He says he's tired all the time, work, dealing with grumpy bedtime babies, etc. Or is it that something new is going on? Maybe with no porn or OW around to inspire him I just don't do it for him anymore...who knows. Obviously he says that's not the case and that he wants me all the time but then it seems like when I bring it up he immediately tries to get it on...frankly no bigger turn off than feeling like you've guilted someone into sex so that ends those times before they start.
8. Unsure what to do; Exactly that...what do I do? I feel young enough to completely start over if I wanted to but I don't know what I want. I know that I can't live with this level of insecurity for the rest of my life. I love my H still but am unsure if I'm in love with him anymore. He says he's doing everything he can think of to try and repair us but really...I don't know if it'll ever be enough to overshadow what he did. I have full access to his email, phone & facebook, he sends me texts and pictures of him at work about every 1/2 hour to every hour. He has a tracking device on his phone for when he goes somewhere for long without me so I can see where he is. He no longer has access to the internet without me entering a password when I'm with him...I still feel like despite all of that if he really wanted to he could be seeing her. They were sleeping together when he'd leave work early or say he had to work late or was going to a friends...despite everything, if he wanted to he'd find a way to see her.
So that's it...my laundry list of issues. Pathetic, ridiculous & depressing. This is my marriage. This is my life...this is what I've come to.
1. Waiting room lady; there was a woman in the waiting room of the therapists who matched H description of OW very well and she would attend that therapist as that is who the company (they work for the same company), would have sent her to as it's covered by insurance. I wanted to stab her...and him. He claims it wasn't her, how would I know? It could be anyone. I feel like I can't leave the house without looking my best in case we see her or someone who knows what happened. Like I have to prove that I'm better than her.
2. Lying about cigar; he claims to have quit smoking which he was doing in secret and lying about as well as the affair & porn etc. I caught him in a lie trying to say he hadn't smoked when his mouth reeked of it. I told him I'm not an idiot and forced him to admit to it. I was obviously way more pissed about the lying than the cigar itself.
3. "Sleeping Around"; his words when I confronted him and told him I knew. Not I slept with her (as I already knew they had apparently just gone for coffee together but apparently didn't know the extent of it), I feel it implies he slept with more than just her.
4. Everybody hates him; H says he feels as though everyone hates him now even though the only people who know are my family and one friend of mine. He feels like anyone associated with me hates him. Projecting maybe? The stupid part is I feel sad for him that he feels that way. He didn't consider my feelings, why am I so worried about his?
5. Trip; My mom has offered to take me on a trip to St. Lucia for my Christmas gift. I still have to pay a portion of it but less than half. I'm going. H is not invited and I think this plays into his feelings of everybody hating him and trying to push him out. In all honesty I do feel as though my mom wants me to take this trip so I can clearly think of where I want to go with my marriage. Decide once and for all if this is what I want. If he is what I want now. Also my stepdad said that even if my friend Lacey can't go to pay the other half they won't accept him coming as he feels that's rewarding him for his garbage behavior.
6. Brother's affair; My brother had a very nonchalant weird reaction when I told him what had happened and when he saw my H for the first time after finding out acted like nothing happened and just joked with him etc. I was hurt. As someone who had no real father growing up & he's my older brother I expected more....something at least. Anyways him & his wife have a terrible marriage (I know I'm one to talk but I can honestly say that before finding out about the affair I thought my husband and I had a really fun, compatible and physical relationship...he's just an idiot), and she recently discovered he's been texting back and forth with a girl at his work with flirty msg's. He claims it's innocent etc...obviously. She believes him. I can't say I do. It would explain his extremely over the top forgiveness & rug sweeping of what my H did. Plus my brother is 100% miserable in his marriage and his life in general. Definitely susceptible to an affair. If he has I'll be crushed and feel like there are no good men out there. Irrational but true.
7. Lack of sex; my husband and I used to have a very active sex life. Before the affair, during the affair, after a period of time even after the affair. Not so much now. The therapist says that he's a sex addict because of his copious secret porn usage and subsequent affair. Cop out. He's since stopped the affair and the porn usage and has no access to internet anymore. He says he's tired all the time, work, dealing with grumpy bedtime babies, etc. Or is it that something new is going on? Maybe with no porn or OW around to inspire him I just don't do it for him anymore...who knows. Obviously he says that's not the case and that he wants me all the time but then it seems like when I bring it up he immediately tries to get it on...frankly no bigger turn off than feeling like you've guilted someone into sex so that ends those times before they start.
8. Unsure what to do; Exactly that...what do I do? I feel young enough to completely start over if I wanted to but I don't know what I want. I know that I can't live with this level of insecurity for the rest of my life. I love my H still but am unsure if I'm in love with him anymore. He says he's doing everything he can think of to try and repair us but really...I don't know if it'll ever be enough to overshadow what he did. I have full access to his email, phone & facebook, he sends me texts and pictures of him at work about every 1/2 hour to every hour. He has a tracking device on his phone for when he goes somewhere for long without me so I can see where he is. He no longer has access to the internet without me entering a password when I'm with him...I still feel like despite all of that if he really wanted to he could be seeing her. They were sleeping together when he'd leave work early or say he had to work late or was going to a friends...despite everything, if he wanted to he'd find a way to see her.
So that's it...my laundry list of issues. Pathetic, ridiculous & depressing. This is my marriage. This is my life...this is what I've come to.
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