the inner circle
I went to therapy today and talked about how difficult it is to deal with depression and then try to deal with people's ignorance/misunderstandings regarding it as well.
My therapist suggested thinking of myself within a circle - and the only other things within my circle are my fiance and the positive things I want in my life. The circle's line is a boundary. I can choose to accept things that I want from outside but leave the rest out there - like the negative opinions of others. I think it's a good idea to picture it this way.
Another interesting thread is that my mother keeps trying to get me to have a relationship with my father who was both physically and emotionally abusive to me, my siblings, and basically everyone around us. It's the string she attaches to providing support to me. My therapist said it makes sense that my mother would keep trying to push a relationship on me since if my father and I got along now, it might in her mind, erase what's been done in the past. Thinking of it that way, I realize it's just my mother's way of coping and I try not to feel as exasperated/exhausted by it.
My therapist says to take in the support and leave the strings outside the boundary. It's good advice. I just have to remind myself that everyone has their own reasons. I have my reasons for leaving my father way outside the circle and my mother has hers for trying to drag him into mine.
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I got up about two hours earlier than usual today - still not what some might consider morning, but at least the hour fell into what is technically considered morning time. I didn't feel quite as miserable as usual when I got up. I checked email, wrote an entry and then went to therapy before going on a walk with my fiance. He tried to entice me into choosing food for myself, but nothing seems good these days. I'm not sure if it's the depression or the meds. Probably both. I hardly get hungry these days and even when I do, nothing in particular sounds good.
This may not seem like a big deal, but I love food and cooking. I have even been known to contribute to a food blog. So the lack of interest in food is really kind of weird. We live in an area where I can eat any kind of food I want pretty much any day of the week...and I am subsisting on bananas, rice and eggs, scones (when my fiance picks them up for me) and toast.
Between the new dosage, caffeine this morning and the Nuvigil, I haven't been in bed again today. I also haven't necessarily felt the super strong urge to go back to bed so that must be something good. Other than some dizziness and that slight buzzing feeling, I haven't gotten any other side effects from the higher dose (yet). I hope I don't get the nausea again. I also hope having gotten up earlier today will help me be able to fall asleep easier tonight.
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I talked on the phone with my sister for a bit. It was nice to hear her voice (for some reason I thought she was mad at me) and to hear about her family. I like hearing about my niece and nephew, even if they're getting themselves into a little bit of trouble at school. My sister recalled having been through at least two bad bouts of depression since she got out of college. I remembered her first one, but had forgotten about her second. It was reassuring to hear her remember how hard it was to get going, how hard it was to get out of bed and to count the hours until she could go back to sleep. It's not that I am glad she was depressed, it's that I'm glad she can relate to what I've been going through. She really does understand so I have to try really hard and listen when she gives me advice on pulling out of depression. Some of it is waiting for the meds. The other hard part is getting back out there and interacting with the world on my own. I told her how I've been going for walks with my fiance and she thinks that's good, but the next step is to be able to take some of those walks by myself she says. I know it's true. I used to go and do things by myself all the time. I used to enjoy it. Just walking around a museum or window shopping. When I used to live in New York, I even used to enjoy just walking around, soaking up the energy, with no where in particular as a goal.
My biggest struggle is to climb back on the work horse. I know I need to go back to work. Why am I so scared? I feel like if I schedule work, I might freak out and need to cancel at the last minute. So I don't do it. And then I feel guilty. I am trying not to feel guilty because rationally, I know it's pointless. The guilt will not help me go back to work. It occurs to me how unhealthy it is that guilt is one of my huge motivating factors. I learned it at an early age. Thanks mom and dad.
My therapist suggested thinking of myself within a circle - and the only other things within my circle are my fiance and the positive things I want in my life. The circle's line is a boundary. I can choose to accept things that I want from outside but leave the rest out there - like the negative opinions of others. I think it's a good idea to picture it this way.
Another interesting thread is that my mother keeps trying to get me to have a relationship with my father who was both physically and emotionally abusive to me, my siblings, and basically everyone around us. It's the string she attaches to providing support to me. My therapist said it makes sense that my mother would keep trying to push a relationship on me since if my father and I got along now, it might in her mind, erase what's been done in the past. Thinking of it that way, I realize it's just my mother's way of coping and I try not to feel as exasperated/exhausted by it.
My therapist says to take in the support and leave the strings outside the boundary. It's good advice. I just have to remind myself that everyone has their own reasons. I have my reasons for leaving my father way outside the circle and my mother has hers for trying to drag him into mine.
*********
I got up about two hours earlier than usual today - still not what some might consider morning, but at least the hour fell into what is technically considered morning time. I didn't feel quite as miserable as usual when I got up. I checked email, wrote an entry and then went to therapy before going on a walk with my fiance. He tried to entice me into choosing food for myself, but nothing seems good these days. I'm not sure if it's the depression or the meds. Probably both. I hardly get hungry these days and even when I do, nothing in particular sounds good.
This may not seem like a big deal, but I love food and cooking. I have even been known to contribute to a food blog. So the lack of interest in food is really kind of weird. We live in an area where I can eat any kind of food I want pretty much any day of the week...and I am subsisting on bananas, rice and eggs, scones (when my fiance picks them up for me) and toast.
Between the new dosage, caffeine this morning and the Nuvigil, I haven't been in bed again today. I also haven't necessarily felt the super strong urge to go back to bed so that must be something good. Other than some dizziness and that slight buzzing feeling, I haven't gotten any other side effects from the higher dose (yet). I hope I don't get the nausea again. I also hope having gotten up earlier today will help me be able to fall asleep easier tonight.
**********
I talked on the phone with my sister for a bit. It was nice to hear her voice (for some reason I thought she was mad at me) and to hear about her family. I like hearing about my niece and nephew, even if they're getting themselves into a little bit of trouble at school. My sister recalled having been through at least two bad bouts of depression since she got out of college. I remembered her first one, but had forgotten about her second. It was reassuring to hear her remember how hard it was to get going, how hard it was to get out of bed and to count the hours until she could go back to sleep. It's not that I am glad she was depressed, it's that I'm glad she can relate to what I've been going through. She really does understand so I have to try really hard and listen when she gives me advice on pulling out of depression. Some of it is waiting for the meds. The other hard part is getting back out there and interacting with the world on my own. I told her how I've been going for walks with my fiance and she thinks that's good, but the next step is to be able to take some of those walks by myself she says. I know it's true. I used to go and do things by myself all the time. I used to enjoy it. Just walking around a museum or window shopping. When I used to live in New York, I even used to enjoy just walking around, soaking up the energy, with no where in particular as a goal.
My biggest struggle is to climb back on the work horse. I know I need to go back to work. Why am I so scared? I feel like if I schedule work, I might freak out and need to cancel at the last minute. So I don't do it. And then I feel guilty. I am trying not to feel guilty because rationally, I know it's pointless. The guilt will not help me go back to work. It occurs to me how unhealthy it is that guilt is one of my huge motivating factors. I learned it at an early age. Thanks mom and dad.
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