the in between and power of two!

I went to work today, worked hard and did good work.

My mind evolved with different ideas and I questioned myself

as I worked. I can't help it really. My mind interjects, invasive thoughts

and it's like I try to understand 'where I am' and 'what I am doing' - in my head.

When some comfort is achieved, a thought undercuts and I have to deal with

and live with that. But Today I wondered to myself...what if I just accepted this

splintered mental state...and still carry on with doing good work and being professional

and talkative to coworkers and customers (as much as I do..)

I drove home and the acceptance persisted. But I felt mighty fallible at home..

no focus and just 'downtime' made me realize "I need help." But I couldn't turn

to my Dad... I need to 'own this' I concluded...and I tried to just keep strong and so I did.

I texted my Dad an apology for being so erratic with him lately. I decided to write my psychiatrist as well.

Just a note about what I am doing and that I have been erratic lately and that I am looking forward to

seeing the new therapist he recommended.

I realize that I would like to hear from my Dad a response where he forgives me or understands.

But I realize too he must be busy- and he's not always able to find the time to respond.

That's something I have started to realized or reckon with. That you can have your state of grace

your sense of knowing about what you would like to achieve or express but there's 'two people' involved.

We all have different ways about us. And so it's like what I hear at work, like I am doing here...is people making

sense of the 'in between' with each other. Dealing with each other's actions and humanness foibles or moments of

brain farts that might make us say "Why did they do that!??" "Can you believe it!!??" I think I may see myself in

a different light now - how I'd like to be ...sure....but also how I am...which I can chose to try my best and be accepting about.