The Home and a Hypothetical Sibling

I've mentioned before that I'm an only child. I wonder how different life would have been had I had siblings. As things are now, walking into my house feelsl ike stepping into a different world from the outside. A world wheere I"m dominated by these two figures, my parents. Outside rules don't matter here. It's a world no one but I can enter. A world for a three of us. Horribly twisted. 

A world where twisted things are normal. A world where no one bats an eye at fear and hatred. A world where pain is accepted and deserved. 

A world no one else will ever see but us. A world that will die with us. A world that only I will ever understand. And if I had a sibling, would I have had someone to share this world with? Someone closer to my age and my perspective? Would I still be the only, lonely, young and "whitewashed" member of my twisted household? Would I still be lonely? 

Even now this world in me will not die. Walking into my house is switching into a different mental mode. I stopped feeling safe here long ago. Now I'm wracked with paranoia in the same place that keeps me safe and provides me shelter. I work and eat and sleep in a place where the walls revertebrate stress and fear. It feels so wrong. 

I shouldn't be okay with what happens. I turn into a different person. I never snap at people and use my horrible child's tone with anyone but my parents. I never use that icy cold tone with anyone but them. Outside the home, I try so much to be a kind a considerate person. Inside my home, I'm cold and distant. If my dad even looks at me, I snap at him because I know he'll judge me. When my mom uses that cold tone, I use it right back twicefold. I don't stay long with them in the same room. I isolate myself. Maybe it's just the remnants of that resentment and hate I used to hold strongly. 

Maybe I try outside the home to make up for who I am inside the home. 

I'd say I'm my worst verson of myself every day from 6:30 PM till night, when my parents are home. 

So I sigh, typing this in my office, at home, at 5:30 PM. 

My ex used to berate me as if I was the one causing problems in the home. He said I exaggerated what happened and was unnecessarily rude to my parents. That hit deep! I'd think, here is someone who actually, truly believes I am the source of the problem, as if everything is my fault! It hurt raw and bloody. I think now that he was just saying what he saw. I did exaggerate because I felt I had to to make people listen, and I was rude because I felt defensive whenever they were around. Like I said, my home self is my worst self. I don't do those things anymore, at least. Instead of being rude, I'm just distant. 

Oh, I'm deathly lonely, deathly deathly lonely lonely. So I continue on through every second of this uncertain life. 

About the sibling thing. It's me wishing I had someone who could truly understand everything that goes on in this house. Instead I feel like I try to go out and tell people who don't completely believe me. Or it's too distant from their lives to care. I'd feel reinforced knowing I shared this burden with someone else. We could go to therapy together. We could talk togetehr and fill in each other's gaps. People will tell me that having siblings is a blessing and a curse. But I really am wanting a sibling now... yet knowing I'm only seeing the positive side. 

So I'm TIRED, LONELY, HOPELESS, SLEEPY, SAD, LONGING, ANXIOUS, and is that all? What else you got for me, huh? Have I not hit every piece of crap out of the ballpark yet? Still existence wants to shoot more tennis balls at me? You know, like those tennis practice machines? 

No one has it together. Absolutely no one. It seems almost every person is struggling in some way. Together, people try to struggle to find some higher purpose or goal, but we're inherently flawed and so are our hypotheses. Why do people will a god to give the world order? Because people have no inherent order. We aren't perfect. We're made to keep on living, and that's all. 

I suppose I'm fulfilling my evolutionary purpose, then! Ha 

Again, I'm surprised at all this pessimistic snarky crap coming out of me now. Bujeezus. I'm also getting hit with self doubt in posting this journal. Who knows, maybe I'll feel better having posted this. Maybe it's just the first step in becoming a horrible loathing and hopeless character. I'd prefer the former, thank you very much. I'll end it here.