the holidays rings new ideas

I wrote an email to my therapist yesterday about what I was doing after work, and what I was reacting to as well.

Part of what I was recognizing was the poignancy and intensity of the holiday and how that we're all in good

company with experiencing what that 'stirs up' within us.

I've been without significant other relationship for many many years now - but I have good friends

and my 'challenge' has been a driving force in me finding other things to fill up my sense

of joy on my holidays. I do have a very close family - and yet - the struggle I have

with mental issues has made 'so variable' that very often I am just too randomized to 

set firm roots in some ways.

Today though I am thinking about this differently. I had a conversation with my Pop yesterday,

which nearly always makes me spin after it - for the intensity and strength in most of our chats.

And likewise I very often associate my identity with the last person I spoke to and can obsess. Sounds strange

but it'll help make sense of what changes I found today.

After he and I spoke, I tried to think again about getting back to my own routine of the day - 

cleaning, chores, tv news, meds etc... and that helped me feel an ownership, though vague, start

to the intense holiday weekend. I thought about what my therapist said in terms of "feelings are not facts"

..."they change"....and so I tried to incorporate this perspective and outlook into my day.

It left me feeling very very vague - but determined and propelled by will power to accept the vagueness

and keep on going with the little things I do to keep my life going. Life after all is about taking care of life

and keeping it going. Ultimately I took my meds and went to bed. I woke early this morning.

I cuddled with my Blue and then showered and dressed and went to Starbucks for Christmas Eve morning

hot cocoa. Then I made my way back home, I was still feeling vague and yet I started to accept it.

The vagueness of my life was front and center ...and yet here I was valuing my life and making it happen. Not contingent

but independent. Things are good. I think the acceptance for vagueness in my life may very well

prove to be something that invites a potential loved one 'in' but also - maybe more importantly - accepting

the vagueness is helping me accept myself, as is, with all the ability to make my life, happily

if humbly. I listened to the KUSC.org broadcast of the Christmas lessons and carols today from the UK.

Then I started to watch some other shows. I went grocery shopping for the week and bought

my parents some things they want me to bring over to their place, when we all gather later today.

Things are good. Blue has been an angel if but a crazy angel who scratches and bites when

I get a little annoying. 

Sending peace and good vibes. Prayers for everyone this Christmas.

Mark