The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with..
A lot has happened recently.
Back in October (2013) my nanny was diagnosed with cancer. She was given 18 months to live, if she chose not to intervene. Her health decreased very quickly. She lost a lot of weight. She was scheduled for surgery to remove the cancer in January (2014), unfortunately the day of her surgery during a routine pre-op scan, they found that she had pneumonia & were unable to complete the surgery (she was also diabetic & in her 70's).
I would spend a week at her house, helping as much as I could with whatever needed to be done, I would come home for a few days & go right back to help again.
On my return home, she became a lot worse. Her sugars wouldn't go up no matter what they tried. An ambulance was called. While being loaded into the ambulance, she started to slip into a diabetic coma. She was transferred three times to three different hospitals. She was finally stabilized & was admitted to the ICU. At this point, we were given three months before she passed away. They were unable to intervene with surgery.
She spent less than a week in the ICU. She was transferred upstairs to a shared room. She seemed to be getting better. She requested to go home. That was not possible. However, she was transferred to the hospital closest to us.
She slept more. Ate less.
She was seemed to be getting better, but not enough to leave the hospital.
Finally, she was transferred to a private room in the palliative unit of the local hospital. Our family is fairly large, this was good. The nurses were amazing.
Thursday February 20th, she was up & talking. She reminisced about her childhood & told stories for hours before nodding off for the night. We went home to sleep.
The next day, she did not wake up. She was half awake, half comatose. She would make noises to let us know that she heard us when we spoke & squeezed our hands. We were told it would be any day before she passed away.
Friday February 21, she had trouble breathing. The doctors gave her medication to help her, it kicked in very quickly. She became less & less aware. We spent the night at the hospital.
Saturday February 22, when we woke up that morning everyone came to visit & reminisce about all the great times we had with her. Her sense of humor, laugh & smile could light up the world on the darkest of days. It was a waiting game.
A little after 3pm that day, my mom dropped my aunt & I off at home to shower while she went to get coffee. I was just about to get in the shower when I got a call, it was my mom. She had gotten the call that we needed to return to the hospital right away. It was the longest 5 minute drive of my life.
When we arrived at the hospital, a family friend who had been there everyday met me in the hall outside the palliative unit. My nanny had passed away at 3:35pm.
I feel like I have been living in a very twisted nightmare. I'm still waiting to wake up & have my nanny cracking jokes, go shopping, take roadtrips & teaching me how to bead.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so guilty & selfish for wanting to leave to take a stupid shower. It could have waited. She was more important. I feel like I didn't get to say goodbye.
I told her every day that she was gorgeous, that I loved her, that she would make it through this. I would remind her that she had seven kids with no painkillers, I told her that beating this would be a breeze. I knew, & she knew, that I was only trying to make her feel better. My little white lie made both of us feel better & breathe a sigh of relief. It was too soon. She got sick too soon. She left us too soon. It's too soon to move on & try to remember the positive moments I had with her.
I could've listened to her all day, singing, telling stories from when she was younger. All her adventures, her struggles & how she overcame them. I could've watched her & my granddad tease each other, finish each other's sentences, marvel over all the new technology. I could've watched her walk in to any room & light it up with just her presence. She could make friends with just about anybody. I loved watching & listening to her talk with old friends, switching between broken English & perfect Mi'kmaq. She always tried to teach her grandkids & great-grand kids her first language, she never got frustrated when teaching us. She took her time & loved every minute. She was so proud of each & every one of us. I am so proud to have her as my grandmother. I only wish I could've had children of my own & have them meet her & remember what an amazingly strong, funny, beautiful & courageous woman she was.
I'm still waiting to wake up...
Back in October (2013) my nanny was diagnosed with cancer. She was given 18 months to live, if she chose not to intervene. Her health decreased very quickly. She lost a lot of weight. She was scheduled for surgery to remove the cancer in January (2014), unfortunately the day of her surgery during a routine pre-op scan, they found that she had pneumonia & were unable to complete the surgery (she was also diabetic & in her 70's).
I would spend a week at her house, helping as much as I could with whatever needed to be done, I would come home for a few days & go right back to help again.
On my return home, she became a lot worse. Her sugars wouldn't go up no matter what they tried. An ambulance was called. While being loaded into the ambulance, she started to slip into a diabetic coma. She was transferred three times to three different hospitals. She was finally stabilized & was admitted to the ICU. At this point, we were given three months before she passed away. They were unable to intervene with surgery.
She spent less than a week in the ICU. She was transferred upstairs to a shared room. She seemed to be getting better. She requested to go home. That was not possible. However, she was transferred to the hospital closest to us.
She slept more. Ate less.
She was seemed to be getting better, but not enough to leave the hospital.
Finally, she was transferred to a private room in the palliative unit of the local hospital. Our family is fairly large, this was good. The nurses were amazing.
Thursday February 20th, she was up & talking. She reminisced about her childhood & told stories for hours before nodding off for the night. We went home to sleep.
The next day, she did not wake up. She was half awake, half comatose. She would make noises to let us know that she heard us when we spoke & squeezed our hands. We were told it would be any day before she passed away.
Friday February 21, she had trouble breathing. The doctors gave her medication to help her, it kicked in very quickly. She became less & less aware. We spent the night at the hospital.
Saturday February 22, when we woke up that morning everyone came to visit & reminisce about all the great times we had with her. Her sense of humor, laugh & smile could light up the world on the darkest of days. It was a waiting game.
A little after 3pm that day, my mom dropped my aunt & I off at home to shower while she went to get coffee. I was just about to get in the shower when I got a call, it was my mom. She had gotten the call that we needed to return to the hospital right away. It was the longest 5 minute drive of my life.
When we arrived at the hospital, a family friend who had been there everyday met me in the hall outside the palliative unit. My nanny had passed away at 3:35pm.
I feel like I have been living in a very twisted nightmare. I'm still waiting to wake up & have my nanny cracking jokes, go shopping, take roadtrips & teaching me how to bead.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so guilty & selfish for wanting to leave to take a stupid shower. It could have waited. She was more important. I feel like I didn't get to say goodbye.
I told her every day that she was gorgeous, that I loved her, that she would make it through this. I would remind her that she had seven kids with no painkillers, I told her that beating this would be a breeze. I knew, & she knew, that I was only trying to make her feel better. My little white lie made both of us feel better & breathe a sigh of relief. It was too soon. She got sick too soon. She left us too soon. It's too soon to move on & try to remember the positive moments I had with her.
I could've listened to her all day, singing, telling stories from when she was younger. All her adventures, her struggles & how she overcame them. I could've watched her & my granddad tease each other, finish each other's sentences, marvel over all the new technology. I could've watched her walk in to any room & light it up with just her presence. She could make friends with just about anybody. I loved watching & listening to her talk with old friends, switching between broken English & perfect Mi'kmaq. She always tried to teach her grandkids & great-grand kids her first language, she never got frustrated when teaching us. She took her time & loved every minute. She was so proud of each & every one of us. I am so proud to have her as my grandmother. I only wish I could've had children of my own & have them meet her & remember what an amazingly strong, funny, beautiful & courageous woman she was.
I'm still waiting to wake up...
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