The hardest thing for me

I am trying.. to rebuild.. my life... my marriage  The hardest thing for me.... is forgiving and trusting again….   I am working on trying to forgive…  and trying to trust…  I know… I will never forget…   How can I?  it is part of me now, a part of my past.....  a part of who I am today,   and yes… I can see "Me" again, maybe not as clearly as I need to, but there is a "me" there again, a "me" I thought ...was gone forever, who didn’t exist anymore, a "me" I thought would never exist again.  But I am working on it....  I am trying to wipe the fog away from the mirror, is kind of what it feels like, if that makes sense…. which may sound stupid to some people, but that’s exactly how it feels, to where I can see myself, but the fog/moisture is still there so you cant see yourself clearly yet, but you are beginning to, as time goes by.  As more air gets through, the mirror is slowly starting to become clear again.   The whole being able to breathe again concept, that I had in my mind and my heart.. was hard to explain, was hard to write, was hard to put into words.. but that’s how it felt.. like I couldn’t breathe anymore.. like I was suffocating  and throughout these months of me.. pushing him out, and not being with him, and praying to god to help me be strong and to help me find myself again…  I was trying to dig myself out a place I couldnt survive anymore.  I didnt know how to start, which way to go, I didnt know which direction was right or wrong,  all I knew is that I needed to do something, before I lost myself completely.  and the more and more I started to stand up to him, and the more and more I distanced myself from him and the situation, the easier pressure and the breathing became.. … I started seeing glimmers of me again.     I started to be able to take in a deep breath and feel alive again.  I know… it hurts still to this day, almost to the point where I feel that breathless/suffocating feeling again … when I think about everything..all the years, months and moments he put me through and I put myself through.. but…then I think … isn’t it supposed to…?    Isnt it supposed to hurt? Isnt that part of healing?  Isnt that part of the healing process? By feeling the pain, feeling the unsures, the whys and the what ifs. Isnt that how a wound starts to heal? By ripping that band-aid off, that protection, u have held so close to the open wound, to make believe in your mind that it stops all the pain from getting in or out?    And If u keep a wound covered all the time, covered with that bandaid, its never going to heal, in order for the scab to form we need to expose it to the air, the threats, the elements and the maybe’s of getting hurt again?Isnt …….that how the bleeding stops, and how u start healing from the inside out, Isnt that how the body heals itself?    Hell yes, its gonna hurt ripping that bandaid off, and feeling the air on the open skin, feeling the pain, but as time goes on, its starts not to hurt so bad, and it gets easier to not think about the what ifs.  You might have that maybe, and what ifs in that back of ur mind, but the pain doesn’t overwhelm u anymore. Russ.. will say he loves me (and truthfully, he has always said that, that has always been a constant) …  and      I still cant say it back.. which makes me feel bad.. but .. I cant truthfully .. in my heart say .. yes.. Russ... here .. here is my heart, my respect, my love and trust …  cause in the end...isnt that what love should mean…?  Love is something that is earned, whether that be by actions, by words, by ..normal everyday life...   I love him.. don’t get me wrong… I am just not in love with him.. Thats a hard thing to explain… …. to people, who dont understand the feeling.    I can say he is growing on me… he is cutting through the tough walls I have built around myself.    I can say he is becoming my friend,   I can say I like spending time with him  I can say I am starting to think about him and miss him when he isn’t around me.  I can say, in the middle of the night I will move my leg over on top of his,  just to feel the warmth of him.  I can say my girls adore the shit out of their daddy, that everything he is putting into them, is changing them for the better….which is the one thing I thank god for everyday.  Trying to figure out how to get all of that back…is hard.... I am not gonna lie..   there are moments, that I become resentful and irritated, and at nothing he has done now, but things he has done to me in the past.... and the only thing I can think of to make that not happen anymore … is time…  and showing me… that this time.. he isn’t just saying or doing all of this.. just to get back into my good graces…  And that That this time.. what he is doing and saying..   that this time.. that  It really means something to him and me… that this time... he is doing it because he wants to,  not because he has to