The frightening thing about it just being me.....
Hmmmmm
So, I've been on my own for nearly 8 months
I've not really liked looking at myself. Without the distraction of a partner, I've had to look closely at how low I feel at times, how anxious and trapped. How I feel pushed and pulled by life. It's funny that when I have a partner I feel that I'm at my best....I feel I'm fun, intelligent, lively, positive, outgoing. On my own I can barely be bothered to make any effort for myself. I have worked hard on it this summer, eating well, keeping fit, seeing friends but these past two weeks I've felt tired and just decided to let myself have a rest.
Ptownjohns journal entry made me think. Now again, his entry is 'his' and I respect that. But what it meant to me was this....as soon as I have a man interested in me, I feel better. I feel I've got myself sorted. The reality is that I haven't... I've found a distraction again. I kid myself and just say I'm lucky and I've met someone nice and lucky me. But each time it's not worked out like that in the long run. So this time I think I'm keeping myself away from any possibility of a man because I know that the time has come to work on me.
I had a big discussion about how long you should not date when you come out of a relationship. I heard alsorts of funny amounts of time. My sister came out of a 12 year relationship and within 3 months she was in another serious one. I've found 6 months works for me, enough time to respect what you thought you had. But this time I will need so much longer and even longer to find no 'a man' but 'the man'. I read the road less travelled, which really affirmed my own value system.
I really like being loved, I miss being loved, I miss male company. ... But I'm tired of the chaos the men I chose bring to my life.
I'm in the process of applying for quite a few international jobs. I want my cv to be the best piece of work I've ever done, so it's a long process. Friends have lent me theirs to look at and I really want it to reflect my experience positively.
Amelah....I think I would love the Washington job and it's great to know I have a friend close by, thank you. I'm sure the job will have hundreds of applicants and a single mum doesn't always rate highly...but I will apply and keep on applying for others too. My experience is that around 200 people go for every teaching post....so luck is a factor too.
I've slipped into some negative thinking lately and it's time to now turn it around. I am grateful for:
My lovely daughter, so fun and teenage like!
Her fun Halloween party next week
Having a nice place like Shrewsbury to visit at the weekend
Having a warm cozy house to live in
My best friend
My lovely dog who keeps me fit and never seems to stop wagging his tail
And the big one.....all my great friends on here, who's support lifts my spirits and pushes me forwards to a better life xxxxx
So, I've been on my own for nearly 8 months
I've not really liked looking at myself. Without the distraction of a partner, I've had to look closely at how low I feel at times, how anxious and trapped. How I feel pushed and pulled by life. It's funny that when I have a partner I feel that I'm at my best....I feel I'm fun, intelligent, lively, positive, outgoing. On my own I can barely be bothered to make any effort for myself. I have worked hard on it this summer, eating well, keeping fit, seeing friends but these past two weeks I've felt tired and just decided to let myself have a rest.
Ptownjohns journal entry made me think. Now again, his entry is 'his' and I respect that. But what it meant to me was this....as soon as I have a man interested in me, I feel better. I feel I've got myself sorted. The reality is that I haven't... I've found a distraction again. I kid myself and just say I'm lucky and I've met someone nice and lucky me. But each time it's not worked out like that in the long run. So this time I think I'm keeping myself away from any possibility of a man because I know that the time has come to work on me.
I had a big discussion about how long you should not date when you come out of a relationship. I heard alsorts of funny amounts of time. My sister came out of a 12 year relationship and within 3 months she was in another serious one. I've found 6 months works for me, enough time to respect what you thought you had. But this time I will need so much longer and even longer to find no 'a man' but 'the man'. I read the road less travelled, which really affirmed my own value system.
I really like being loved, I miss being loved, I miss male company. ... But I'm tired of the chaos the men I chose bring to my life.
I'm in the process of applying for quite a few international jobs. I want my cv to be the best piece of work I've ever done, so it's a long process. Friends have lent me theirs to look at and I really want it to reflect my experience positively.
Amelah....I think I would love the Washington job and it's great to know I have a friend close by, thank you. I'm sure the job will have hundreds of applicants and a single mum doesn't always rate highly...but I will apply and keep on applying for others too. My experience is that around 200 people go for every teaching post....so luck is a factor too.
I've slipped into some negative thinking lately and it's time to now turn it around. I am grateful for:
My lovely daughter, so fun and teenage like!
Her fun Halloween party next week
Having a nice place like Shrewsbury to visit at the weekend
Having a warm cozy house to live in
My best friend
My lovely dog who keeps me fit and never seems to stop wagging his tail
And the big one.....all my great friends on here, who's support lifts my spirits and pushes me forwards to a better life xxxxx
Replies
Well I have to admit, I haven\'t liked looking at myself lately either. I have made so many changes in the way that I deal with ALL the relationships in my life that I\'ve found myself stuck with ME now for a change. When I get in a bad mood about it all I see myself trying to project onto DH,or anybody I can, and I have to stop myself from doing that.
I met DH in 2008. We met exactly 1 year after I had left an 11 year marriage. I made the commitment to myself not to date for one year. I did meet a few people after about 9-10 months but they were all wrong for me and I knew I really wasn\'t ready to date at that time. I kept wondering when would I be ready and my friends kept telling me to get out of the house and just meet people for the experience of it, not to make a commitment.
So that\'s what I was doing when I met DH. Just getting out of the house, meeting people, having new experiences. He was also 1 year out of his previous marriage. Admittedly, I don\'t think either of us was truly ready for another relationship yet we both fit exactly what we each wanted.
About a month before I met DH, when I really started thinking about dating again, I wrote a list of about 20 qualities in a guy that I considered imperative if I were to meet someone again. I didn\'t trust myself to pick the right guy so I made myself a check list. lol. I was extremely nervous about ending up with Mr. Wrong, again. DH fit every single criteria on my check list and it actually scared the heck out of me.
DH was truly a gift in my life and I remind myself of this all the time. I also think about how funny it is that when we are focused and really know what we want, we do sometimes find it.
I don\'t usually ramble on other people\'s journals like this but I could really, really, really relate to what you are talking about. It wasn\'t that long ago that I had to think about dating and all that goes along with it.
You are ahead of the game from where I was 4 years ago. DH and I have been married two years and here I am finally starting to get my head on straight. I started trying to do it years ago and I guess it\'s been a long work in progress.
I hope my ramblings are at least interesting, lol. I believe you\'ll set yourself on the right track :) I\'m excited for you actually :)
Oh no, my post is on here twice. Sorry about that. I hope you are able to erase one of them.
I also wanted to add that I know what you mean about feeling your best in a new relationship... and then you have to face yourself again...
I think it was a 10 year marriage actually. Not 11 years. Ok, I\'m done. Sorry for cluttering your page.
Hi, thank you Buttercupprincess for sharing your story with me. I loved hearing it. I think we might be kindred souls and I can certainly learn a lot from you!
I think I have some serious work to do on my self esteem and find some inner peace before I can consider a relationship - in a way, it\'s as much to be fair on that person.
I too had a check list for my possible future boyfriend. But what I learnt was people don\'t always tell me the truth.
I have a need for excitement and I\'m drawn to people who suffer ..or \'was\' I need something balanced and normal now.
It\'s a bit pityful really but I wish I was loved properly but I guess that comes from having parents who didn\'t know how to love their kids properly.
I haven\'t got any real balance yet in my life, I\'m trying but I need to do a proper over haul and put 100 percent effort into it....
Hi Gbt and BCP
I have a small suggestion i recently learned about for working on yourself. Write down all the qualities you really want in a partner, details are important: personality, looks, behaviors, etc. Really think about this. After you get this list finished look at it and that is what you need to be working on to be yourself. There will probably be some things that you already are or have but usually there is some you need to work toward.
Anyway...worked pretty good for me. Give it a try...what\'s the worst that could happen?
Hugs to both of you and tgb...tx so much for your hug
rick
You\'re welcome and perhaps we do have kindred souls - I definitely understand what you are saying about working on yourself and your inner peace. I had so much inner conflict when I met DH because I knew I wasn\'t as ready as I wanted to be and I didn\'t think he was either but I did know he was the right person. We have learned a lot and grown a lot together. (Not without our fair share of conflicts with each other as well as within ourselves!)
I am told we\'ll never have it all figured it out. I sure keep trying! I hope you can find someone with whom you can learn and grow. Only you can determine the right timeline for all the things you want to do. I set a timeline for myself as well many rules when I first started dating. DH enjoyed breaking most of the \"rules\", lol. In a good way overall but I sure was rattled by it at first.
(((HUGS)))
Good suggestion Rick. Thank you!
Rick, that\'s really good and I\'ve just recently started doing that. I recognise that creativity is a \'must\' in my life. So it\'s up to me to make sure I include this in my life through art, music, film.
I have to be the person I want in my life.
Hard work....no pressure!
ButterCupPrincess, you are more alike to me than you\'ll know at this stage. I think it\'s great you have a wonderful partner. You make me feel positive. Rick, whoever you find in the future will be so lucky to have you....I hope she cherishes you xxxxx
I\'m glad to know I have someone like me out there :-) I thought I was the only quirky and confused soul muddling through the way I do :-)
We will get the confusion figured out. I suppose the trick is to let go and enjoy ourselves doing it?
18 years and no relationship. And still no self-esteem. I\'m doomed.
And if I wrote out who my Mr. Right is, should I like that I \"Look\" like him, too? LOL. I don\'t think that\'s quite what arbe meant when he explained the exercise. I think I need to re-read that part.