The fog
The weight of this mystery illness has been demoralizing on my life. I never thought I would be in this position. I never thought, as a grown man, I would break down at so many moments and just weep.
The stress and guilt of trying to be 100% for my young son is overwhelming at times. To hide my misery. To hide my sadness. "Daddy, you are sad", he said today. It broke my damn heart. I quickly "put the mask on" and hugged him and said, "oh son, you make me SO happy....see, Daddy is happy now."
This guilt. This fatigue. It can be crushing. Focusing on God's grace and taking it minute and hour at a time can get lost in the fog of despair.
I am just so frickin' overwhelmed and sad right now.
Replies
Keep on trying to find the light and joy with your son, and lift your spirits naturally doing simple things with him!
Oh, I get through 80% of the time just admiring him, loving him up and praying prayers of thanksgiving.
Its that other 20%. Those scary times where you dont understand why the blessings you've been given don't get you through. Thats where the guilt comes in and takes you down the spiral.
It was an extremely tough early half of the day. A reminder that I have a long path to go down and have to continue doing the work and fortifying myself spiritually.
Hi, Dbl.
I admire how you comfort your son. And children have a sweet intriguing way of bringing out the absolute faith we parents need to grow instinctively stronger as parents. Thinking of him more than of your own tough moment, unselfishly, that's love! When I was a kid, pulling on my mother's skirt tail, asking questions, which I need to know about, I was only told to get back and sit down somewhere :-).
So I do kudo you for not passing off the moment to comfort your son. Of course, at some gentle point, it will be a good idea to educate him on feelings or what it generally feels like to be sad. Being sad is normal and he may be old enough to understand this is a natural feeling. And on the other hand, it may give him a feeling of knowing his own strength and just what you've been carrying around as heavy burdens, which he will grow to admire you for it.
M-hm..., thinking further, let me tell you this, you may already be interested in developing ways that he should depend on you to educate him on the symptoms of fright and fear. Thing is, our children have radars and antennas to deep feelings anyway. I encourage you to help him to support by gently informing him of what you are carrying around that hurts, Dbl. Kids love to put bandaids on parents too :-). They are little helpers. God bless them!
Best of prayers!
@Remiah
"Of course, at some gentle point, it will be a good idea to educate him on feelings or what it generally feels like to be sad. ">>>
Yes! I didn't mention this in my post, but yes, he IS getting to that age where I am explaining to him in my best toddler know-how, that sometimes we all get sad and that it's okay to feel sad sometimes. And it's okay to cry- we ALL have "big feelings" sometimes. :)
It certainly is a challenge though. To push back against the feelings that tend to build over the anxiety of my breathing issues, the isolation we have in our lives right now, and our lack of help. But Ive taped up on my kitchen cupboard: "When we trust in our feelings and emotions, we can lose track of God's promises and our faith in that."
I will look for those moments to teach him about fear and a little about the weight I am bearing. He knows a little, as I tend to use a nebulizer if I am feeling weary. I am praying about the appropriate amount to share with him.
Thanks for these wonderfully supportive comments. Today has been a much better day (especially once I got outdoors to breathe and take in the winter wonderland!)
Dbl, your common sense coupled with God is keen :-) My best to you today, and the height of the day to your little toddler as well.