The First Two Christmas Is Very Hard!!!

 
Sending all you moms lots of Love and Hugs for what ever year you are in for the christmas holidays! I noticed a few moms going through their 2nd christmas holidays without your precious Son/Daughter..This will be my 6th christmas without my Ryan. The 1st christmas I managed to put up a christmas tree. After I put the lights on I only put a couple of bulbs on. It took every bit of energy just to do that..I managed to shop for my daughter Erica and had all I could do is to avoid the mens department. The christmas music made me feel like I was walking in slow motion, everything I was in a bad dream, not real. My mind was flashing with visions, like a slide show, of all the younger years when Ryan was little. The pain was so intense, I had to make myself focus on my daughter. At that moment I happened to see this hugh 4 foot purple christmas stocking, it was deep purple, big & fluffy, with some satin on the top of it, AND,,, it was the only one they had hanging in a spot where I would automaticly know Ryan had something to do with it, lol, I believe Ryan led me to it, so I would buy it for Erica..SO I BOUGHT IT!!...Since that moment ,I held on to that thought, I felt Ryan was still with us through the rest of the holidays. Being a single mom, it was just the two of us. That christmas stocking got us through the 1st christmas...After Erica and I opened presents, I noticed she was taking over Ryans position, I could see him, I could feel him, working through her, Erica's physical being was so much like Ryan was...I know you moms know what I'm saying, I see Ryan in her, especially now that she is older..As each Christmas goes by, we learn so much more and feel so much more love and beautiful moments and memories...The hardest and worst part is all the days around the christmas day/holidays itself...SOOO, I made it through my 1st christmas...And you will too!! Promise!!
The 2nd christmas, reality sets in, just like most moms had said before me. My heart was shattered and my soul in my stomach was ripped wide open. You know, that big black hole in your soul felt beyond repair, I was in despair. My daughter & nephew were into trouble, doing drugs and partying with their friends, it was too much to handle and to much to cope with...I couldn't get out of bed, between work and going home, I couldn't do anything but crawl into bed, it was my way to forget about everything I had to do ... The last few days before christmas I managed to get out, pick up a few gifts for Erica, thinking I'll wrap them later, Christmas eve they were still left in the bags. I still hadn't gotten a christmas tree either. So the fake 1 and 1/2 foot christmas tree I  bought for the hair salon at the retirement home.  I grabbed it and put it on my kitchen table.. Perfect! I stuffed Erica's presents in her 4ft purple Christmas stocking and what I couldn't fit in it, I handed her the rest of her gifts in the same shopping bags..  I apologized for not wrapping her presents. She was perfectly Ok with it... I worried my self sick, thinking I was the worst mother for not decorating or wrapping her gifts. It ended up ok, so I worried myself for nothing...SO, All I can say is to be easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up... Like some of the moms say be gentle with yourself, do what you can do. If you can't do it up like you use to, everyone will understand...If they don't, TO BAD...Now I know what it means to be gentle with yourself...I couldn't wrap my head around how to be gentle with myself,lol....
The 3rd christmas was better and we did it up different then ever, we decorated a palm tree instead of a christmas tree.. It was a fun and different, so as time goes on we try to change things as we go, it has been easier each year since... Hang in there!! As a matter of fact, I need to get up and start decorating today.. .I find the last minutes of getting it together works out better, lol, hopefully it will work again this year, lol, It Is What It Is......
My heart is with all you moms who are having a hard time on there first & second christmas... You will get through it, Promise...Love you all, Kelly