The first bad day

My husband left with our son a week ago. I spent the first day in shock. I didnt cry, i wasnt angry. I didnt feel anything. The next day I spent cancelling my phone, my Whatsapp, my Facebook. I changed my email address. He took my cellphone, so I had to do all of those things. The following day, New Years Eve, i was surrounded by people who didnt want me to be alone but I was petrified. I was scared to do anything, for fear he could use it against me. New Years Day i slept, until i saw my son for the first time at my scheduled visit. Then i slept some more. The next day, i saw a lawyer and filed for divorce. I was angry that day, determined to not allow my husband to bully and manipulate me anymore. Yesterday, i was happy. I missed my son, but it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

Today is a different story. Today I want to cry. I want to breakdown. I have no energy for anything. No appetite whatsoever. I keep telling myself I can't afford to fall apart. Get up, do something. Or should I allow myself this one day? I am sitting here thinking about what my husband has done. He took my son away, has served me with a protection order and has granted me two weekly visits of two hours each to my son. 

I think of the abuse i have endured over the years. The emotional and verbal abuse that drove me to the point of suicide. The physical abuse that was always somehow my fault. The times I should have left him, should have been the one to get a protection order against him. And then he does this to me. He accuses me of abuse, of abusing our son, of being an alcoholic. He says I drink daily to the point of being so intoxicated i cannot look after my son. I think of how he can lie so much and get away with it. My life is on pause now because of him. I get caught in public with an alcoholic drink in my hand, doesnt even have to be mine, and i can get arrested. 

I should get angry again. I should feel determined again to not let him win. 

But today, i havent got the strength. I want this nightmare over. I want my son and my life back.