The Feeling of Lonely

I always get down at the holidays.   Maybe its my expectations.  Maybe it's because I compare myself to others.  Or maybe it's because of the huge let down after Christmas.  All that busyness and then suddenly it's all quiet.  I don't like to sit still and ponder on how I'm feeling because that means I would have to deal with it.  I'm scared to deal with my feelings.  I'm scared they may overwhelm me.  So I get busy.  Busy doing means no time to think. The holidays make me feel more lonely than any other time of the year.  Because I guess it highlights what I think is missing in my life.  My family disappoints me year after year and this year is no exception.  There are not cousins and big family gatherings and joyous celebrating, there is just bickering and complaining and using every ounce of your energy not to throttle someone.  Then there's New Years.  Very hard for me.  This is when you are supposed to have a special someone, a great party to go to or at least some seriously fun plans.  I'm going to be at home with my 11-year-old son and his friend waiting to pick my 16-year-old up from a party. It makes me feel like I'm a loser.  It makes me feel like I have no one.  This seems to me to be such whiny, pathetic thinking but this feeling boiled down is undeneath a lot.  I feel like there has to be something OUTSIDE of me to make me happy instead of relying on the inside.  that people's expectations and what they everyone else is doing is sooo important.  I am working toward better thinking but I am still on shaky ground.  I am still so easily swayed. I feel so down and teary and sad and I don't know why.  I have great kids and had a wonderful Christmas with them so why do I feel so alone? Just need a healthy dose of DS support to get me through this little bump.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I feel the exact same way. I have a 3 year old daughter and her father is not around. I had a wonderful christmas with her and yet last night I cried myself to sleep. I hate being alone, I feel like I have no one. I feel selfish saying that because I have my daughter...but I want some adult companionship. Some adult interaction, and I have none. I know what you are feeling girl, I am feeling the same things. I look at myself and I ask why do I feel like someone else is going to make me happy....I guess right now I\'m not doing a very good job of making myself happy. I wish I knew how...
pageo
pageo

Arat, I used to go through that empty lonely space.

Feeling with out is certainly not my favorite place to be. Thing is it takes a lot of change in the thinking department ... a lot of brain unwashing to realize That life is not only more than the typical spaces built to hold the typical experiences such as new years ad all the conditions. It is a heavy load of conditioning on women to have a mate because if you do not it is a statement on your worth as a person. This is age old stuff. I mean 100\'s +++ years old.

Fact is if you have kids and support yourself and children you are doing GREAT! That is a major achievement. Getting a man is relatively easy if ya think about it. Maybe not the one you want...but men are every where.

I dared myself to be single because I wanted to deconstruct the programming. I have been working at it steady now for 2 years. I actually like it at this point and do not feel lonely. But, that is not the point. The real point is how did this happen for me.

One of the changes was that relationship with other took on second position and relationship with self has taken front seat. As women we are raised to be in relationship with other and we look to our mother as role models. Father teach sons independence but daughter remain conditioned through the mother. Men split off from the mother although they have the ability to relate in that matter as well but they also relate to the world as independent individuals. Females on the other had do not. I was just reading about this the other day.

So my experience now is through the connection I create with myself and it doesn\'t require another person for my happiness. I sure do enjoy companionship but I have a whole other life with myself.

I was in a store the other day and I heard the most pathetic lyrics of a song playing. the young woman was singing that...I need you so I can feel myself again...now how messed up is that. If you have never gotten a chance to self develop which include your relationship to yourself and your individuality maybe it is time to do so.

I have now been through I don\'t know how many christmas + new years alone. I enjoy the things I love to do that do not need another person.

I figure that most women really need to reclaim their individual self or develop this. It is like a missing part. Sometimes people say..oh that is just what it means to be a woman , a nurturer. Well, I might have believed that at one time but not now. I wil go to the extreme to say that in many partnerships the woman makes the man her whole world and the man keep part of his individual world alive. The woman is saturated with the spouse or BF and if there are children, those as well and their own personal identity apart form the world is starving and remains either underdeveloped or non existant.

My therapist is a man and he did for me what a father could have done. HE exampled and taught me individuality. He taught me to hear my own voice so I didn\'t need any one else around to enjoy myself.

This is not to say that I do not hit points where I would like to have a male companion. I do but it doesn\'t hit only the level of self. I don\'t feel empty because of it. If I feel empty it is because I can not find myself.

A good strong relationship with a developed self means that I enjoy other people so much more and can see where others end and I begin. If that doesn\'t exist then no man is going to do the trick. A man is only a temporary fix.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I hate that DS constantly stops sending me notifications when friends post a journal entry. SO FRUSTRATING.

I really think the holidays have the same extreme and unrealistic expectations built in our minds as the mythical prince that is going to come charging up on his white horse and save us.

I have ceased having expectations for the holidays. There are no little kids in my family and I recently found out that there is no Santa Claus ;) . I now think of Xmas as just another day. I always celebrate it with either family or friends and have a nice meal, but I have stopped thinking it is going to be a magical day that is going to fill my heart with warm memories.

I don\'t know if that helps. I always thought my core issue was \'i am not good enough\', in therapy, I have discovered that what really lies in my core is: I am not lovable. When you don\'t feel lovable, you constantly make decisions that reaffirm that, i.e., you get what you expect.

Once we learn to love and accept ourselves completely then everything else will fall into place. I think that is what Pageo is trying to say also.

I love you just the way you are and I celebrate YOU!
pageo
pageo

Yes it is about love and self acceptance but it is also about autonomy and empowerment.

The difference acts like this.

I walk into a room and ask...I wonder if I am looking attrative tonight. Then measure all the people who are paying attention to my attractiveness. The point I am writing about is walking into a room and thinking, are there any good looking men at this party? One is me taking the initiative and the other is looking for others to make me feel attractive and worthy/deserving. It is a head lock. It locks ones powers up and grants every one else the power.
arat38
arat38

I knew I just needed a reminder of what I\'m striving toward. Thank you guys!!! It is so hard to get my head into a new space but with time I know I will do it.

I am working hard on being good with me. I avoid looking in the mirror because I am so afraid of me. It is hard for me to believe I am good company because I am still sending myself messages of unworthiness and not measuring up. I am good company and need to remind myself no one said you always have to be with someone.

I was at a dinner at my mother\'s house and a family friend whose wife had died two years ago had started dating. I commented that it was weird (what I meant was it was weird to see him with someone else when I had seen him with his wife since I was a kid) and my mother says that I\'m just JEALOUS that he has someone after two years and after being divorced from my husband for 10 years I still haven\'t found someone (total narc comment). I told her she was more upset that I wasn\'t with someone than I was. And its true. I\'m sick of this pressure on people to be a twosome. Why isn\'t one good enough?

Susy is right. I am still stuck in the fantasy, not just of the perfect guy coming along (although that one is slipping) but of the perfect Christmas and the perfect New Years, the pefect family and the perfect life. Reality is what I need to look at more closely. Maybe fantasy is avoidance for me?