The Feeling of Lonely
I always get down at the holidays. Maybe its my expectations. Maybe it's because I compare myself to others. Or maybe it's because of the huge let down after Christmas. All that busyness and then suddenly it's all quiet. I don't like to sit still and ponder on how I'm feeling because that means I would have to deal with it. I'm scared to deal with my feelings. I'm scared they may overwhelm me. So I get busy. Busy doing means no time to think. The holidays make me feel more lonely than any other time of the year. Because I guess it highlights what I think is missing in my life. My family disappoints me year after year and this year is no exception. There are not cousins and big family gatherings and joyous celebrating, there is just bickering and complaining and using every ounce of your energy not to throttle someone. Then there's New Years. Very hard for me. This is when you are supposed to have a special someone, a great party to go to or at least some seriously fun plans. I'm going to be at home with my 11-year-old son and his friend waiting to pick my 16-year-old up from a party. It makes me feel like I'm a loser. It makes me feel like I have no one. This seems to me to be such whiny, pathetic thinking but this feeling boiled down is undeneath a lot. I feel like there has to be something OUTSIDE of me to make me happy instead of relying on the inside. that people's expectations and what they everyone else is doing is sooo important. I am working toward better thinking but I am still on shaky ground. I am still so easily swayed. I feel so down and teary and sad and I don't know why. I have great kids and had a wonderful Christmas with them so why do I feel so alone? Just need a healthy dose of DS support to get me through this little bump.