The End of the Affair
You'd think that I would be happy, finding out that my husband's affair has ended and that he expressed interest in going to church with me on Sundays. More than this, he actually DID attend church with me yesterday. I was conflicted. Glad and hopeful that he was attending; weirded out and--dare I say it--disappointed that he did. I feel like such a wicked person saying that. Surely, I don't begrudge him salvation? I guess the back story would prove helpful. He did not end things with the OW because I confronted him. Nor did he end them because he had some "come to Jesus" epiphany about what he was doing and decided to recommit to our marriage. No, the A ended because SHE ended it. What I read in the emails to one another from this past Saturday night, he tried contacting her several times, to no avail. She got angry at his persistence and "tested" him by having her friend answer the phone and having a male friend talk about what sexual things he wanted to do to her in the background for my CS to hear. What followed were an exchange of ugly emails between them. And that was that.
As a result of the loss of his A, I now get more attention and affection. I would be lying if I said I hated it. What I hate is the ease with which I seem to be falling back into old patterns. Making excuses based on doubts. Hoping against hope that this will be the end. But, part of me also expects this to pass, like a quick summer squall. How long will it be before he finds another AP? A week? A month? A year? I don't know. At present, I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel like I've lost any reason to justify leaving at this point, because the affair is--according to the last information I found--over.
I try to tell myself that this is because of the OW. He didn't break it off willingly and, if they had not had a falling out, would most likely still be an item. I feel used. I feel like Plan B. He's now resumed working out in order to get muscular and fit. For whom, I wonder? For me? He claims so, but I highly doubt it. Rather, he probably is trying to get buff to assuage his own self-consciousness, brought on from being dumped by an older AP. And, presumably, also to improve his chances of securing a new AP.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! He cheats on me, lies, does drugs, lives a double life, opens a credit card in my name without my knowledge or permission, secretly gets cash back from another credit card, shows no remorse--and I feel guilty! WTF is wrong with me? I feel crazy. I am so disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger than this. Much, MUCH stronger. Instead, I feel like a guppy tossed ashore and gasping for water. Emotionally, I am dying a slow, aching death. I feel discouraged, judged, alone, helpless, and an utter fool. I feel like giving up and giving in. To Hell with it. What does it matter, anyway? I am stuck. Edna Pontellier's despondency resonates with me.
As a result of the loss of his A, I now get more attention and affection. I would be lying if I said I hated it. What I hate is the ease with which I seem to be falling back into old patterns. Making excuses based on doubts. Hoping against hope that this will be the end. But, part of me also expects this to pass, like a quick summer squall. How long will it be before he finds another AP? A week? A month? A year? I don't know. At present, I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel like I've lost any reason to justify leaving at this point, because the affair is--according to the last information I found--over.
I try to tell myself that this is because of the OW. He didn't break it off willingly and, if they had not had a falling out, would most likely still be an item. I feel used. I feel like Plan B. He's now resumed working out in order to get muscular and fit. For whom, I wonder? For me? He claims so, but I highly doubt it. Rather, he probably is trying to get buff to assuage his own self-consciousness, brought on from being dumped by an older AP. And, presumably, also to improve his chances of securing a new AP.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! He cheats on me, lies, does drugs, lives a double life, opens a credit card in my name without my knowledge or permission, secretly gets cash back from another credit card, shows no remorse--and I feel guilty! WTF is wrong with me? I feel crazy. I am so disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger than this. Much, MUCH stronger. Instead, I feel like a guppy tossed ashore and gasping for water. Emotionally, I am dying a slow, aching death. I feel discouraged, judged, alone, helpless, and an utter fool. I feel like giving up and giving in. To Hell with it. What does it matter, anyway? I am stuck. Edna Pontellier's despondency resonates with me.
Replies
I can completely relate with the way you are feeling. My wife still doesn\'t know that I had access to her pictures to her phone, and was regularly copying them to a thumbdrive - as much as she lied to me about her affair, I was basically watching her cheat on me. I actually got numb to it, and in some weird way, addicted to it at the same time. Just kept thinking that when I was finally ready, I was going to assault her with a slideshow of her lies. But, the same thing happened to me - her AP dumped her. Of course, she did turn to me for a while, started showing me affection for a while...and it felt good...but it felt terrible at the same time. Just knowing that while I was paying all of her bills, bending over backwards trying to be a perfect husband, and show her I could fix all of the things she said I had done wrong to lead her to cheat, I got nothing. I could offer her a cruise where I would walk in front of her the whole time dropping rose petals - and she\'d look at me with contempt. He could burp, and she\'d be having sex with him. I kept feeling this compelling need to have the evidence, to finally get her to see that I was divorcing her because she destroyed us...and I never felt I had enough. And then, he dumped her, and I thought, what now? I can\'t convict her because of her past? I\'m the one saying I can forgive, and so she should forgive me, right? My point is, don\'t let him hurt you again. Don\'t let him think he can do a couple of things and you\'re back to normal. Just because his affair is over (not by his doing) doesn\'t mean you\'re healed. He needs to be doing everything you ask, or you\'re ending it. You have to decide what you\'ll put up with. I hate to say it, but in my situation, the wife started seeing somebody else, and sadly, in a way, it was a relief. I was angry, but not because of more cheating, but because again, she tried to explain it away. It was a wake up call. I\'m not saying your husband will do the same, but what I am saying is that feeling you have, I know that feeling. It\'s a warning sign. If you don\'t feel safe from the pain of another affair, then he isn\'t doing everything you need. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You love him, despite all of his faults...and he took advantage of you. If you were to divorce him today, you would be justified. If he doesn\'t understand that, then he does not have any real remorse for his actions, and does not understand the pain that he has put you through. Have you got him to go to counseling? I hope you\'re holding up. I wish I could tell you some magic trick that makes it easier to handle, but I really didn\'t find any. Reading the Bible helped me in the darkest times.
I should have read more...he still doesn\'t know that you know?
Thank you. I liked the chumplady article. That was me, completely. Every time I thought I was drawing a line, she would cross it, and I\'d draw a new one. Knowing she\'d cross that one, too, and I would just back up, knowing I\'d keep backing up until there was no more room to back up and draw new lines. You sound like you\'ve got yourself together. As good as you can be in this sort of situation, I think you are handling yourself well. I\'m glad you have time to get yourself together before confronting him, because it\'s hard to do when the emotions get in the way. Still praying for you.
Thank you for your prayers and amen to the \"line drawing and crossing\" analogy. It sounds much like me, too. Praying for you as well. Good days and not so good days. Let\'s hang in there and rest on God\'s grace to get us through.