The end of an era
The end of an era- half my life over- a heart broken- words unspoken- things better left unsaidIt was always you- others came but the fantasy of you remained-until tonightA part of me died - despite my show of pride Acting like this was rightAn end to the 15 year long fightWith myselfMy heart- true to you versus my brain- averse to pain. So love won and wounds stung and yet still the saga continuedDespite my best efforts toward the contrary- you've always been my adversaryForced to fight when all I wanted was to love you -its no longer an option of mine. - The pain is intense But at least I'm not on the fence- and I know time will heal my soul. Goodbye my friend. -------------------------------------------I wrote that last night.
I've been crying for hours. I think I'm ready to process some of it now. Its different- the pain this time. Its pure and I don't even want to escape it. It feels more real than pain has in a really really long time. I feel like 15 years of pain is leaving me on tear at a time.My ex came by my office last night to ask for some legal advice for him and the mother of his 2 fucking children. That's right- 2 children. And the woman he stays with- the mother of those two children- that's his woman. That's a person you take seriously. That's a person that actually matters in your life. Unlike me.
Last night the reality of my life with this dude became undeniably clear. I was his first love. That is something that means a lot to someone in their life. Kind of like an early milestone. Something you never forget. You know what trumps that big time? Having fucking 2 kids with another woman. Yep- that knocks first love right out the water.
Last time we met- in september- we had sex. Incredible sex. And of course, he didn’t call afterwards. Come to find out last night HE WAS LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AT THE TIME. Yes. That’s right, living with another brod. Special. Awesome. There wasn’t even a chance he’d call me. There wasn’t even one little iota of hope. He did not have one intention of calling me last time. Not one. He’s a liar and a cheat. And I was the whore he cheated with.
Like I previously said- He was my first love. I dealt with a few others before him but to be honest- I barely remember their names. He started it all. This emotional roller coaster. My path of self destruction over the past 15 years just trying to get back to being someone’s girlfriend again. I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know when I stopped believing I was worth less than being someone’s one and only. You know what- as a matter of fact- I think do I know- I’m pretty sure I know. His name is Steve- my first. Steve broke my heart. And I lived with my father at the time. My whole family lived there. When he saw me crying at the kitchen table, kind of like I’m crying now- the type of crying that has no end in sight- when he saw it he immediately made fun of me. “Aw what’s the matter? You upset b/c Steve pissed on you?” Those were his words, verbatim. The first time he caught me drunk I belligerently yelled out- “I bet he’s fucking her.” This was in between our relationships when I found out he was with another chick. In response my father said- “He probably is.” Now I don’t hate him for the last one. But the first statement- the one about Steve pissing on me- that was repeated many many times throughout my teenage years and throughout my 20s. The name changed, but the phrase stayed the same.
Here was the subliminal message that was relayed to me from him saying that to me time and time again- feeling sadness makes you weak. When things end- you’re stupid if you cry, you’re weak if you feel sad. You’re pathetic and everyone that sees you will know how pathetic you are.
The above paragraph is the one of the many reasons I have embraced escapism in the ways I have. That’s the reason I haven’t been anyone’s girlfriend- because I’m scared of feeling how one feels when their heart is broken and having someone make fun of me- but here’s the best part- no one has to make fun of me anymore. My father’s voice is already lodged in my head so I make fun of myself. The thought of all of that was too much- so I just gave up.
I gave up on finding something new. I gained about 100 pounds. I was on the wrong path and I doggedly followed that path and it got me to exactly where that path lead to- here. 100 pounds over weight. Alone. Crying my eyes out over someone who isn’t mine anymore and who hasn’t been mine for 15 years. All of that seemed like it was my life. Like there was no way of escaping it, it was just my reality. Until last night.
It broke last night. I realize I’ve been living my life in fear of something that already happened. No one in my life will ever say those words to me again- even though my family (mother and brother) is dysfunctional- when they see me crying they tell me they’re sorry, they hug me and they tell me its going to be okay. That voice is just my past. I can let it go now. I am letting it go. My life just isn’t as bad as it used to be. I’ve been escaping reality so much b/c I’ve been living in the past and the past was absolutely horrible. But it broke last night.
That’s it for now. I know this isn’t the last of this.
I've been crying for hours. I think I'm ready to process some of it now. Its different- the pain this time. Its pure and I don't even want to escape it. It feels more real than pain has in a really really long time. I feel like 15 years of pain is leaving me on tear at a time.My ex came by my office last night to ask for some legal advice for him and the mother of his 2 fucking children. That's right- 2 children. And the woman he stays with- the mother of those two children- that's his woman. That's a person you take seriously. That's a person that actually matters in your life. Unlike me.
Last night the reality of my life with this dude became undeniably clear. I was his first love. That is something that means a lot to someone in their life. Kind of like an early milestone. Something you never forget. You know what trumps that big time? Having fucking 2 kids with another woman. Yep- that knocks first love right out the water.
Last time we met- in september- we had sex. Incredible sex. And of course, he didn’t call afterwards. Come to find out last night HE WAS LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AT THE TIME. Yes. That’s right, living with another brod. Special. Awesome. There wasn’t even a chance he’d call me. There wasn’t even one little iota of hope. He did not have one intention of calling me last time. Not one. He’s a liar and a cheat. And I was the whore he cheated with.
Like I previously said- He was my first love. I dealt with a few others before him but to be honest- I barely remember their names. He started it all. This emotional roller coaster. My path of self destruction over the past 15 years just trying to get back to being someone’s girlfriend again. I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know when I stopped believing I was worth less than being someone’s one and only. You know what- as a matter of fact- I think do I know- I’m pretty sure I know. His name is Steve- my first. Steve broke my heart. And I lived with my father at the time. My whole family lived there. When he saw me crying at the kitchen table, kind of like I’m crying now- the type of crying that has no end in sight- when he saw it he immediately made fun of me. “Aw what’s the matter? You upset b/c Steve pissed on you?” Those were his words, verbatim. The first time he caught me drunk I belligerently yelled out- “I bet he’s fucking her.” This was in between our relationships when I found out he was with another chick. In response my father said- “He probably is.” Now I don’t hate him for the last one. But the first statement- the one about Steve pissing on me- that was repeated many many times throughout my teenage years and throughout my 20s. The name changed, but the phrase stayed the same.
Here was the subliminal message that was relayed to me from him saying that to me time and time again- feeling sadness makes you weak. When things end- you’re stupid if you cry, you’re weak if you feel sad. You’re pathetic and everyone that sees you will know how pathetic you are.
The above paragraph is the one of the many reasons I have embraced escapism in the ways I have. That’s the reason I haven’t been anyone’s girlfriend- because I’m scared of feeling how one feels when their heart is broken and having someone make fun of me- but here’s the best part- no one has to make fun of me anymore. My father’s voice is already lodged in my head so I make fun of myself. The thought of all of that was too much- so I just gave up.
I gave up on finding something new. I gained about 100 pounds. I was on the wrong path and I doggedly followed that path and it got me to exactly where that path lead to- here. 100 pounds over weight. Alone. Crying my eyes out over someone who isn’t mine anymore and who hasn’t been mine for 15 years. All of that seemed like it was my life. Like there was no way of escaping it, it was just my reality. Until last night.
It broke last night. I realize I’ve been living my life in fear of something that already happened. No one in my life will ever say those words to me again- even though my family (mother and brother) is dysfunctional- when they see me crying they tell me they’re sorry, they hug me and they tell me its going to be okay. That voice is just my past. I can let it go now. I am letting it go. My life just isn’t as bad as it used to be. I’ve been escaping reality so much b/c I’ve been living in the past and the past was absolutely horrible. But it broke last night.
That’s it for now. I know this isn’t the last of this.
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