the dynamic of being or choosing

When I come home from work, and I have nothing doing except for the responsibility of taking care of my charge (my brother's dog) it seriously has given me good insight into my days/life.

I am not so successful at relationships. But that being said - this is what I realize I am doing.

It's like I recognize or choose a 'pro forma' that lies ahead - an aesthetic if you will - and then I try and fulfill it.

I am ok at doing a job. For example, I am ok at doing the job I have to do at the market...but I don't know how good I am at establishing and nurturing relationships. I feel as though I got the job in the first place, because the hiring manager felt bad for me. But that being said, I really tried to show them (the powers that be at the market) that I could do the work and that I was grateful and responsible about what I was given.

Now on the home front, at home after a week's worth of work, I realize I kind of do the same thing when home alone. I am not so great at relationships in the after hours (maybe I am being hard on myself) but I realize I tend to choose an idea or a plan in a way to have fun after work - in so doing, it's like I choose a cool idea or an aesthetic do fulfill - but don't really consider the relationships of friends or cohorts that I'd do "that something" with - instead it's like I look for something to fulfill - an image in my head - and then do it.

I know I can do better or at least I know after this week's eye opening responsibilities after work - that there is more to life than just fulfilling my own vision.

It's a good thing to realize and I think I can do it. I mean I think I have more to me, than I knew there was to fulfill

and I am feeling like a little bit of blindness has been lifted.