The Dread that Follows
I posted this on the Self Injury Group, but I needed to post it here too just to log it in my journal.
I fell into the same old trap. You would think after 6 months of not acting out would have sustained me from ever acting out again, but it didn’t. I hate myself today for hurting myself again. In the moment the memories and over powering urge gets so overwhelming that to interrupt it and take control seems to be the only immediate way to escape from it. My body is trembling today. I have some obligations to fulfill tonight and I’m not sure how I am going to handle it. My therapist is upset with me for not showing up for our session. I hate to disappoint her. We’ve been making some real progress with my issues. I’m so sad that I did this.I want to run away and hide, but no matter where I go I will always take me with. Even my personalities are tired. I pray for God’s grace.
I fell into the same old trap. You would think after 6 months of not acting out would have sustained me from ever acting out again, but it didn’t. I hate myself today for hurting myself again. In the moment the memories and over powering urge gets so overwhelming that to interrupt it and take control seems to be the only immediate way to escape from it. My body is trembling today. I have some obligations to fulfill tonight and I’m not sure how I am going to handle it. My therapist is upset with me for not showing up for our session. I hate to disappoint her. We’ve been making some real progress with my issues. I’m so sad that I did this.I want to run away and hide, but no matter where I go I will always take me with. Even my personalities are tired. I pray for God’s grace.
Replies
Hugs, hugs, embrace, embrace. We are more than our mistakes. We are human and we fall. You are not alone in spirit. The fact that you wrote about it, shared, reached out for another heart is a tremendous positive step toward loving and accepting yourself, even the parts of you that do things that in retrospect, bring you more pain and you wish you had not done. This life, this is such a classroom, such a learning process, what an experience. I am grateful for the grace of this moment just to send you loving energy, and offer you the suggestion of embracing yourself and saying \"I will love me and I will not abandon myself no matter what. I forgive me and I accept myself no matter what. I deserve love and respect no matter what.\" I just hugged myself and said those words for myself. I need that message. Now, I thank you for the opportunity to share that message and pass it forward to you. Will you consider hugging yourself and saying those words with me? There is more power in the intention of two of us than just one alone. Peace be your journey today, toward self-love.
It is so ironic that when we really mess up in some part of life and badly need to receive support from the therapists and whomever is in our lives, that we frequently feel judged instead. I understand she wants you to be safe and well, but obviously if you were all ok with that you would not need her. I hope you will be ok. I am sorry you ended up hurting yourself, but glad you are alive to work on it some more. Next time will be better. I believe that for you.
Thanks for the insight you teo! I have to admit my heart is heavy today, but the tears will not come. I feel ike I\'m over flowing with sorrow, but switching causes me not to deal with it. I\'m simply frustrated with all of me!