THE DEEP, DARK, HOLE...
Tues. eve., 12-09-08: I think I am once again emerging for the "Dark Hole". We all seem to visit there, on occasion. I have been pretty much stuck there since late September. Fall is hard for me! So many birthdays, holidays, etc. So many "in my face" reminders of Scott not being here. (and Melissa) We were always big on celebrations. There were always birthday parties, then family dinners. Holidays were huge. Sunday dinner was special. And, Scott would always make a point to be OKAY at those times! (Yet another reason his death was so shocking as it happened on Father's Day.) He would NEVER have been messed up on that day, on purpose! Now, there is always the empty chair. And here we are at Christmas, again. We set the tree up the other day. I still have boxes of things, to finish decorating. Normally I would put the boxes back up in the attic. This year I am putting them in Scott's room. As soon as Christmas is over I want to be able to pack things up without having to wait for Craig to get in the attic. (I used to do it all....bad knees, now.) Anyway, it troubles me that I am storing these boxes for the next couple of weeks in his room. Mixed emotions about the whole thing! Reality is, no one uses that room....it just sits there. Heart is another thing....it is still, and always will be, Scott's room and I would NEVER store things in there if he were here. Obviously! So, after 18 months, I still contradict myself and feel crazy. I finally called and scheduled an appt. with my counselor. I go tomorrow. I have not been in a couple of months...maybe three. I just need to talk this out. Also, I have been remembering the dark side of Scott...the addicted side, the broken, battered part. He had been hurt physically so much....three major car accidents, ??? minor car accidents, two major assaults, two major back surgeries from two of the accidents, and concussions...one of them just five months before he died. And two overdoses, I know of, that did not kill him All of these things occurred when he, or someone he was with, was using. I dealt with this activity for 4 1/2 years. It is time for me to face those demons. None of the above ever made me love Scott less. In fact, I think I loved him more. He needed me so much and I was always there. As my oldest son said in Scott's eulogy,"He and our mother were very, very close. They would get angry at each other sometimes, but she was his shelter from the storms of his life She was the one person he trusted completely. He would confide in her and she would keep his secrets. If you were around them together, you could see and feel that special connection." That could be written about any of my sons. But, it was written about Scott. That said, I gave my heart and soul to all my sons. I still do. The last 4 1/2 of Scott's life, he was the primary receiver. I guess in a way, my care-giving, was a lot like an addiction. Now that I am no longer able to do that, I often find myself lost. I knew as long as he was here there was hope. Now, hope is gone. I don't know where to put that energy. A friend of mine just called. She is not a close friend, although I have known her for several years. She is a friend that I chat with when we run into each other somewhere. Occasionally, if we are having a cook-out, she and her husband, will come over. Anyway, she called to make sure I was ok. Apparently she has been having dreams about Scott/me. She had some interesting messages and/or perspectives. I am taking what she said to heart. Her call is almost like a confirmation of this whole journal. Amazing. Once again, I feel blessed to be loved and cared about by so many.
Replies
I\'m sorry for the dark place. The holidays seem to remind us so much of our kids and the shared time together with them. I sense that many mothers are heading to that dark place. We will get through as we did last year. I\'m happy you had such a loving bond with Scott. I know that it\'s bittersweet but try to take some comfort knowing how much you loved him and he truly knew you were there for him. That says alot when we lose a child to know that our kids knew they were loved unconditionally. I think we do have Angels here to help us and you had one tonight when your friend phoned. That really is amazing. Take care friend. Lots of love. Robin
Oh how close to home all of this hits me.It was so the same with my youngest son,Paul. For so many years his addictions ran my life just as they controlled his. After he died, I told him that he could rest now,all his demons were destroyed and all jis dragons were all slain, and he was free fromm all of life\'s pain. I guess that his older brother must have felt kind of the same. Steven was 5 yr. older than Paul, and he spent all of his life taking care of hiss\"baby brither.\" For so many years all of our lives centered around those addictions. When Paul died I still had Steven to focus on. All Steven felt was guilty that he was alive and Paul was gone. I was in too much pain and too wrapped up in my own grief to see the downwasrd spiral that my older son was in. I finally realized it and I got him all the help that I could. I could only do what he would let me do. When your kid is 38, he is still your child, but you can no longer able to force them to take medication or go to the counsler.After Steven first attempted suicide, we did manage to get him on antidepressants and to go to a counseler.He had a very bad reaction to the first medicine, and he ended up having a very manic event and got arrested.He was never manic, only depressed, the antidepressant caused the mania. He had no insurance. and the county mental health would not even see him even after 3 of us called the doctors.Steven\'s half sister,Karla, and my husband and I got him to a real doctor and counseler. He was on probation from the incedent when he was having mania as a side affect. We thought things wer going better. There were a lot of difficult things going on in Steven\'s life. His job was slow, and their hours cut back to 32 a week.He was an electrician, and construction is down. He also had $100 a week child support to pay for his daughter. He never missed that and he never complained. I was proud of him. So many dead beat dads. Steven never missed a payment. Steven raised his son alone (My husband.James and I always helped)The grandson moved out and that just broke Steven\'s heart. DEC 10,2007Steven took his own life. Tomorrow it will be 1 year. So my life was my boys and my boys were done. I was devestated. Ny whole family was both of my sons left behind 2 kids each. Steven\'s son is 20 now and his daughter is 15. Paul\'s daughter is 16 and her little sister is n0w 11.These hildren and my husband James have been the light in my darkness. Sometimes I could barely stand. but I could see those 5 glimmers of light and I had to stand up and keep standing.I was going to grief counseling for a while and it helped me sort through some of my feelings, I learned not to feel guilty. I do have many regrets and things I might could have done diffrently, but I am not guilty . All I did was to love my sons with all my heart.That is what a Mom does. On August 21,2008 we had another great tragdedy. Steven\'s half sister (they had the same father, but I was not her mother. She called me mom.For the past 5 years Karla had lived right here on our street with her kids.)Karls shot and and she died from a gun shot wound to the head. I have faced so much and I have thought that I would just go crazy.I have looked to my husband and family for support.They have all allways been there. My grandchildren have been down a rough road for just children. They have shown remarkable courage and love.I have learned more from them than I taught them. Those kids are the greatest gift from God above that anyone could ever have. This month of December holds a horrible time for my family. WE face the 1 year date since Steven\'s death, and we must try to have Christmas. I am able to get up every mourning and get through everyday, thanks to GOD, FAMILY,and FRIENDS. I pray for everyone of us here on DS that face Christmas with our hearts broken(for what ever reason.)May the Lord give us all help and comfort in this difficult time of the year.Peggy
Thank you for sharing Scott\'s story with us! It must have been painful, yet cathartic for you to do so. We mothers have been through so much with our sons, you have, Peggy has, and I have. So much hurt centers around addictions.
My son had a problem with alcohol and that was his \"go to\" for relief of emotional pain. When his marriage fell apart he went to detox on his own. But it was always there, a crutch he leaned on whenever he couldn\'t make it on his own. Yet during that time, he was the same loving, caring, gentle person he always was. He was responsible, a good worker, concientious and kind--always worked, but would stop counseling and AA. Then the spiral again... His father is alcoholic and even though I would like to blame him, (part of it, is his fault because it was the only way he related to his son,..as a drinking buddy) Jamie actually told me once that he didn\'t know what a father was until my husband stood by him and was there for him, and (his words) \"the man never, ever, let me down\" We know that something happened to him,...we will never know what, but we do know that his fiancee was out with another man --only 2 wks after Jamie was buried.
I\'m sorry, Hon, this is about your post and I got carried away.
I have a feeling that the call from your friend was meant to be a sign or message for you, and a way for Scott to send comfort and love to you! Tight Hugs! Judy
So sorry you are in a place none of us want to be. Just take one step at a time. Maybe talking to your counselor will help. Hope that you will try and have as good a day for christmas as you can...Love & hugs, Connie
I know what you mean. I have been soooo sad the last few weeks. I miss Justin so very much. I also was the one that Justin could confide in and I was always trying to fix everything. I found out I could not bandage everything. I still try to be supermom to my surviving son Brandon (27) and my daughter Paige (18). Brandon needs me sometimes, Paige needs me very little .... and I feel so lost sometimes when I don\'t have anyone to need or fix. Makes me even more sadder than I already am.
Thanks for the words about Scott. I know it helps to write about them, but sometimes is also painful. I see similarities. I\'ve already been crying at my desk today at work and want to go home.
Take care and remember you are not alone.
Love, Kelly
I am sorry for the darkness you are in. As I am a addict of painkillers myself I can relate so well to this. I have lost a friend to overdose. I have been there myself too. Then I know the pain of losing a child. So I can see from your point of view to. We don\'t set out to be this. We don\'t mean to hurt the people that we do. I guess I\'m just trying to say I am sure that Scott didn\'t want to do this to any of you. The addiction is so strong. You want to be better, you want to be who you once were, you don\'t want to be in pain, and it\'s like a big circle. I\'m so sorry for what happened to Scott, to you, to your family.
I will be keeping you in my prayers and hoping that you will find the light again. It\'s there...... Hugs Candice
its a hard, hard journey. you are doing a very BRAVE and healing thing to face the crises you had with him. you will see, it will help your healing. lots of love, jan
I think you are doing so good...sharing all of this with us...your going through all of it for yourself...and sharing it with us. There have been times lately that I have looked at Alex more critically. He had faults...he was not perfect...I,like you loved both his perfection and his imperfections. I am proud of you...facing it all...love to you...Karen
You are and have been in a place where we all go, you just share it with us. Good thing I haven\'t looked closely at John\'s faults because he had just go himself back together and then died. Maybe I am afraid to. Love and hugs Cathy