THE DEEP, DARK, HOLE...

Tues. eve., 12-09-08:  I think I am once again emerging for the "Dark Hole".  We all seem to visit there, on occasion.  I have been pretty much stuck there since late September. Fall is hard for me!  So many birthdays, holidays, etc.  So many "in my face" reminders of Scott not being here. (and Melissa)  We were always big on celebrations.  There were always birthday parties, then family dinners.  Holidays were huge.  Sunday dinner was special.  And, Scott would always make a point to be OKAY at those times! (Yet another reason his death was so shocking as it happened on Father's Day.)  He would NEVER have been messed up on that day, on purpose!  Now, there is always the empty chair.  And here we are at Christmas, again. We set the tree up the other day.  I still have boxes of things, to finish decorating.   Normally I would put the boxes back up in the attic.  This year I am putting them in Scott's room.  As soon as Christmas is over I want to be able to pack things up without having to wait for Craig to get in the attic. (I used to do it all....bad knees, now.)  Anyway, it troubles me that I am storing these boxes for the next couple of weeks in his room.  Mixed emotions about the whole thing!  Reality is, no one uses that room....it just sits there.  Heart is another thing....it is still, and always will be, Scott's room and I would NEVER store things in there if he were here.  Obviously!  So, after 18 months, I still contradict myself and feel crazy. I finally called and scheduled an appt. with my counselor.  I go tomorrow.  I have not been in a couple of months...maybe three.  I just need to talk this out.  Also, I have been remembering the dark side of Scott...the addicted side, the broken, battered part.  He had been hurt physically so much....three major car accidents, ??? minor car accidents, two major assaults, two major back surgeries from two of the accidents, and concussions...one of them just five months before he died. And two overdoses, I know of, that did not kill him  All of these things occurred when he, or someone he was with, was using. I dealt with this activity for 4 1/2 years.  It is time for me to face those demons.  None of the above ever made me love Scott less.  In fact, I think I loved him more.  He needed me so much and I was always there.  As my oldest son said in Scott's eulogy,"He and our mother were very, very close.  They would get angry at each other sometimes, but she was his shelter from the storms of his life  She was the one person he trusted completely.  He would confide in her and she would keep his secrets.  If you were around them together, you could see and feel that special connection."  That could be written about any of my sons.  But, it was written about Scott.  That said, I gave my heart and soul to all my sons.  I still do.  The last 4 1/2 of Scott's life, he was the primary receiver.  I guess in a way, my care-giving, was a lot like an addiction.  Now that I am no longer able to do that, I often find myself lost.  I knew as long as he was here there was hope.  Now, hope is gone.  I don't know where to put that energy. A friend of mine just called.  She is not a close friend, although I have known her for several years.  She is a friend that I chat with when we run into each other somewhere.  Occasionally, if we are having a cook-out, she and her husband, will come over.  Anyway, she called to make sure I was ok.  Apparently she has been having dreams about Scott/me.  She had some interesting messages and/or perspectives.  I am taking what she said to heart.  Her call is almost like a confirmation of this whole journal.  Amazing. Once again, I feel blessed to be loved and cared about by so many.