The Day is Here

Wow, tomorrow is the day. tomorrow is the day I have to walk into a fertility institution and admit there is something wrong with me inside. I have been so nervous all night. I am terrified, scared with a mixture of hope thrown in there too. I get to start the beginning part of what will hopefully make me a mom. I have so much heart and hope riding on this that I am so scared that they will tell me there isn't anything they can do. i am so scared they are going to look at me with that sadness in their eyes and not be able to make my dreams come true. I am afraid of not being able to walk through that door because that means there is something wrong with me.  You get so excited when you find out you are expecting you never think of the down side. You never think that something could be wrong or that something is actually wrong. That is what makes a miscarriage so hard to except and understand. Why do I have to go through so much when there are so many women out there who just look at a guy and get pregnant and give birth without ever having any issues. Why me? Why did I have to look my husband in the eyes twice and tell him "I'm sorry, I lost our baby".  I wish I knew the answer because it would help walking through those doors. I know my husband just wants answers now. He wants to know what is wrong and how do we fix it no matter what.  I am so afraid of letting him down. Deep down inside I know it is me. i know it is me that has something wrong and that is what has caused us pain. My husband so badly wanted to have a child before he turned 40 and I thought I was going to give him that birthday wish. Our first child was due right around mother's day and our second child was due right before my husband's birthday. I mean they both would have been perfect.  I am just so scared about all of it. I have been so close to crying and then I try to talk myself out of crying. Emotionally I am ready to take hte step but with taht next step comes so much fear. It's all a new type of fear but the bottom line remains the same... to one day become a mom...