The Darkness won
I just could not fight it anymore. I've been under so much stress and the night terrors have gotten worse. Body memories consume me as I lay in bed at night before I go to sleep. I'm sad to say I fell into temptation. I acted out. the morning after is the worst, because I know the dark side of this world is laughing at me. I'm not sure what I feel right now. I just needed to control the pain by making a real present pain.
I plan on going to church this morning, but I wil go with a broken heart. I broke my 3 month record I'm so dissapointed with myself, but it has temporarily removed the constant ache of body memories. Was it worth it? I'm not sure besides dealing with my own guilt I need to face God on this and repent for hurting this body He gave to me. I feel like such a failure.
I am so tired of myself. I know I have a lot to look forward to, but the changes and required energy for them is exhausting me in this constant struggle for my soul.I am feeling a little suicidal today. Would love to escape from all this chaos! At times like this I feel so alone as with the darkness breathing in my soul.
I plan on going to church this morning, but I wil go with a broken heart. I broke my 3 month record I'm so dissapointed with myself, but it has temporarily removed the constant ache of body memories. Was it worth it? I'm not sure besides dealing with my own guilt I need to face God on this and repent for hurting this body He gave to me. I feel like such a failure.
I am so tired of myself. I know I have a lot to look forward to, but the changes and required energy for them is exhausting me in this constant struggle for my soul.I am feeling a little suicidal today. Would love to escape from all this chaos! At times like this I feel so alone as with the darkness breathing in my soul.
Replies
Your not alone. My beliefs are somewhat different than yours. I am cherokee and what spiritual beliefs I have dervive from my mamaws cherokee teachings. I am open minded about others beliefs except I don\'t believe a loving and merciful god will send you to hell for acting on your pain. I do wish you could find another way to escape it. I don\'t want you to hurt yourself when you have obviously been hurt too much already. I don\'t know you nor you me. Doesn\'t mean I don\'t care. Its hard to tell you hang in there things will get better when I\'m struggling to believe that myself so all I know to say is I care
It\'s ok and don\'t give yourself a hard time. It\'s past now and you can move forward from this. I can\'t criticize because I was doing the same thing 3 days ago and I did not have a 3 month gap in between. That is good and you can still be proud of that. Everyone hits bumps in the road and faces pain that is too great. I know. I keep trying to use these new tools from my T and now also I am supposed to call her if all else fails. I didn\'t even do that. I made a conscious choice to do what I did. So I will start again from now and not beat myself up over it. This is an immensely tough journey and frankly I\'m surprised I\'m still here.We are all brave. And like eigie said, we don\'t know each other, but I know some of what you are feeling and I am with you. Be kind to yourself now.
I fall short all the time so don\'t feel alone. Just get back up and try again. You did what you did to seek relief from unbearable pain and I am sure God understands that.
Thank you for your support. I know God is not a puinshing God. His mercies are new every morning. Though we do have to face our consequences. Standing up again with a load of tormentiing monsters in my head sucks! I fell apart in church today crying out to God for some sort of releaf. I know He hears my cries, but I have a hard time forgiving myself.
We all fall short. That is why Jesus had to come to begin with. If we could do it ourselves, then there would be no reason for HIS suffering. But because he did take the suffering, we can quickly be restored. Repentance is a glorious gift that allows us to be sure we are always secure in Jesus, even when we mess up.